Unloveable

I know that in the end... Relationships aren't everything. They don't mean that I am less or more of a person, but man am I tired.

I feel like I've tried everything and I still attract the worst kinds of people or the good people that I do attract I end up being too much for. I'm so tired of being unloveable. I find myself completely alone, yet again. I have no idea what a good relationship or friendship is supposed to look like. Honestly, I have no idea. I've never had a relationship where I haven't had to give up parts of myself or pretend to be someone else entirely.

I'm not good with people and yet, I have this need to be needed. I want to feel like someone wants me around, but in truth, I know that I'm too much for anyone to deal with long-term. It's depressing. I hate having this need to be accepted and to feel loved even if it's entirely false. If someone shows me a modicum of kindness a single time I latch onto it. I hesitate to set boundaries because in the past it has severed relationships entirely.

I feel like it all boils down to me. I know that I'm not easy to be around. I know that the cycle of isolation and depression is annoying. I just... I guess I'm not worth it to stick around. I wanna be positive, but my good days are few and far between and it's only getting worse. I'm tired of being so lonely.
 

brat17

MyPTSD Pro
Im sorry you are feeling this way. Why do you feel like you are just too much for long term friendships? Many people latch on to relationships, particularly if you feel depressed, lonely, and isolated. Sometimes I think friendships are better than they actually are. I give too much but the person is too busy when I need something. That really sucks. I chalk it up to being a bit of an emo. I also misjudge people. I have few friends and not much contact, but they could call me in the middle of the night and I could do the same.
 

ruborcoraxxx

MyPTSD Pro
Yeah, it is not so much a question of being lovable, it’s more of how do you distribute love. How to you place your expectations?

I also had the feeling that I’m "too much". Once the friendship is somehow installed, yallah I come with 1000 topics, speak about things, speak about myself and tend to forget that the other person is there for more than chatting, even if there is closeness and exchange. They’re there dancing on one feet. I know they do like and "know how I am" me but can’t fathom me more than a couple of ours, or by bits in a party or something. I’ve improved a lot in the last years and don’t expect them to fill a void that they can’t and shouldn’t fill. All that wasn’t intentional of me.

And I still have the impression of being "too much" and tiring if I let myself be the person I am. My enthusiasm and precision are often perceived as stonewalls. I understand it can, and I’m trying to flex that to make it accessible instead of persisting in the same attitude. Also, for the good people I really really take care of asking them questions on how they’re doing, how they’re feeling, and make them to feel cared for. If they’re cool and nice, they’ll do the same for you.

No one is unlovable in itself. It’s what you do. You might have the impression you’re losing parts of yourself or maintaining a fiction, but the thing is that people cannot have full access to your emotional life, history, needs and desires all at once. They don’t have the power to project themselves into someone else. Some do. But most don’t.

What they know of you is what you show. Taking care of what you show isn’t pretending. You can be depressed as f*ck, you can mention it if you feel comfortable enough. It’s as long it doesn’t hurt their feelings that it’s okay. Also, lots of people feel like they’re compelled to fix something or someone when they say they aren’t doing great.

Some of them would react as people’s fixers, and it’s not the basis for a healthy relationship, and others will disengage because they don’t want to do that.

I think it’s about how you express your truth that it makes the difference. If you present this as a situation YOU are dealing with and this explains your behaviour but don’t ask them to do any more emotional work as in any friendship, and still manage to be of an agreeable company when you’re there.

This is obviously my personal experience. It might not apply completely to what you say. But I hope it helps. If it’s not useful you can just toss it right away.
 
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