Childhood Unraveling and reconciling the conflict within

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SeanCharles

MyPTSD Pro
Today I had a therapy session which is my second after meeting just a few days prior to this session and the first topic we broke ground on is one that I have been struggling with which relates to Domestic Violence. As a child, I was caught between an Alcoholic biological Father and my mother who I am closer to than I am with the man who contributed to my procreation.

My biological Father and I, at a very critical time for me, at his profession that I could bring him anything, helped me to break the very cycle that I partly hold him and my mom responsible for...
I haven't yet touched this in therapy yet as I only began to break ground which remains surrounding a hole I opened when I uprooted a tree (The Domestic Violence I witnessed) on this very forum years ago. I know in the last couple years I have been silent in part not because this forum isn't meaningful or has a purpose, Rather I have been assessing where I am and for my own self care purposes have been avoiding possible over exposure or unintentional re traumatizing myself. I am writing this post now however for clarity and perhaps introspect on what I am continually dealing with.

When the realization of the lack of power my abusive babysitter had on me after being continually threatened and received empty promises, he was a high school student who's teacher had recommended him (and subsequently his girlfriend later) to my parents so that they could work on healing from the addictions my father had brought into his marriage, I at one point quickly realized that breaking this cycle would not be done by talking to my mom.

In an upheaval, I professed that I didn't want either babysitter to babysit me anymore. In their confusion caused by my outburst my father and I departed as they were originally going out and instead my father and I went out and we stayed out for hours as I opened up to him.

Since doing that, my relationship with the man has been extremely difficult. For those who don't know me, I like a few on here have DID, and so perhaps the emotional entaglement and conflict I feel within is a piece of this. I am currently not on speaking terms with my biological father as the conversation is quite strained for both us. For me, I want to reconnect with the man I once knew while I feel that there is a major wall between us.

Given what I know about his own childhood he had abuse of his own, while I don't know the exact history I have to wonder if perhaps sharing my situation has unintentionally hurt him or perhaps caused hard feelings between us.

While I want to write more on this and will be happy to expand this through replies Thank you for reading.
 

LeahRuth

New Here
Hi SeanCharles
I also have DID caused by childhood trauma, abuse, and family instability. I just want to encourage you to maintain the distance between you and your father. We all suffer horrendous pressure from society to keep these dysfunctional relationships going to our detriment. Keep taking care of yourself and expressing your truth. Peace to you.
 

SeanCharles

MyPTSD Pro
@LeahRuth Thank you for your response! I definitely will be discussing this in my next therapy session on Tuesday as the previous session opened the door. My father is completely different now as he's remarried and is sober, and has even converted his religious system.
We all suffer horrendous pressure from society to keep these dysfunctional relationships going to our detriment.

I am not sure I understand how this relationship is dysfunctional. My parents (he and my mom) divorced when I was 10 years old in part as a result of his changing when he was coming off alcohol and eventually was confronted about the solid (pill) alcohol he was continuing to use after he stopped drinking and continued to pop pills unaware he was still using alcohol until he confrontation. From that point forward he began changing. There is a special part of me who is in conflict while the adult knows why things that happened after their marriage ended makes this difficult to disentangle or otherwise unravel.
 

LeahRuth

New Here
I meant there is so much pressure to keep family relationships going even when they cease to serve us. That's all I meant. Keep taking care of yourself if it means not talking to him. That's all I meant to say.
 

Justmehere

Sponsor
while I don't know the exact history I have to wonder if perhaps sharing my situation has unintentionally hurt him or perhaps caused hard feelings between us.
I am not sure I understand how this relationship is dysfunctional.
I really didn't actually understand how my own alcoholic family was dysfunctional, not really, until I spent time at Al-anon. Then it was like having cold water dumped on my head, because it was so shocking to see.
There is a special part of me who is in conflict while the adult knows why things that happened after their marriage ended makes this difficult to disentangle or otherwise unravel.
The adult you may understand why things were the way they were, but that doesn't make them ok - and that might be what the special part of you is in conflict over.

I am glad you plan to talk to the therapist about reconnecting to him. Tread carefully about any attempts to reconnect. Has he stopped all forms of addiction and gotten help? Addiction involves a lot more than just the consumption of the substance - but there are a lot of behaviors that go with it. People can sometimes get stuck in the behaviors even when the consumption of the addictive substance is gone.
 

SeanCharles

MyPTSD Pro
@Justmehere Thank you! In terms of this man, He is completely devoted to AA! From what I understood he has been a sponsor himself for several years. His life is different now thanwhen he and I had contact which was back in the late 80's a year prior to my high school graduation. I am familiar with all the A programs including Ala teen.

What I find fascinating as well with this situation is how much bias his ex wife (my mom has towards him) My younger sibiling is still and remains in contact with him and has visited with him and his new wife who is severely disabled from what I understand as she has RA and possible other disorders. Awhile back I posted in my Diary a photo that I almost did not take because the site of the statue immediately made me think of my bio father and his wife. We were at a flower garden and there was a memorial statue of the man who created the flower garden for his wife who was confined to a wheelchair. Unfortunately I was not able to see my therapist as they had an emergency arise. What frustrated me a bit was I did not receive notification and rather than having any therapy which I needed in ways I ended up completing paperwork which I was interrupted from completing the initial meeting so they could authorize the billing company which this whole counseling thing to a degree is interesting because my mom does the auditing for the billing company and this therapist is seeing me as a favor in ways and I am glad I am doing this as this is for solidifying my disability case which is awaiting a hearing date before an admin Law Judge! Thankfully, as soon as I resign and email the paperwork back I will have representation at this upcoming hearing! thankfully this post didn't overly become a rant because this is not my diary!
 

SeanCharles

MyPTSD Pro
This scene from NCIS: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RsQgPP4-N-o

The Ellie and Jake breakup... Has me :cry: Now I know why! This song (Say Something I am giving up on you) has been hitting me on several occasions. Just rewatching this scene doesn't ease the pain, In my own way I am accepting that what was...WAS and that was is Over. My biological father has moved on and I too must accept that the man I mourned who passed in 2001 was my "Dad!" Not the biological father I once needed who for reasons which I now understand were his reasons and I had/have no other choice except to put what we once shared behind me in the past.
 
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