Unreality

foggy

Learning
I felt a lot like things weren't real. Like I would be in an AA meeting and I could touch the table in front me, but it wasn't really there. I thought this was the side effects of a defense mechanism, like denial or disassociation. That I made my trauma not real to cope, and then this took other stuff with it. I know my other denial is not ideal. It definitely works like this, where the thing I am denying (my trauma) causes me to no longer see people like my abuser. The denial takes other "reality" with it. I'm safe as long as I don't get too close to others then. Not being in denial is what I am doing right now. I am not going to lie, it is miserable. Seeing people as they are and the world as it is, or even worse, making my past real. Eventually I work to see the good and accept the bad. I think is called saying "yes" to evil. Or I still hate evil, but I acknowledge it is there and that is exists. This is not cynical ruminating on the world, my old standby. That was never acceptance, more like obsessive resentful bitterness. Not being in denial is painful and it hurts. But I know it is temporary.
 
Top