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Unstable due to a triggering situation

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Rani G2

MyPTSD Pro
This might sound irrational.. if so its due to how I feel after an encounter yesterday at work. This was such a small/ not even worth mentioning incident. There was a patient who stood at the counter and wanted a prescription. I didnt even have to make that prescription, it was my colleague who said "Wait a minute I need to ask the doctor!". The patient had a very specific rude/ arrogant attitude and I wanted to tell her if she could just take a seat in the waiting room because another patient came in. The worse thing was I couldnt...I went silent I feared her, and I felt aggression crawling up in my throat. The patient left and said thanks, so she wasnt even very rude, just the way she looked, her behaviour made me anxious.
Usually I do communicate pretty ok. I can assert myself, but then comes someone like this and I feel my inner cracking. Came home, crying and feeling weak/ stupid/ subjugated. I felt as if I need to submit myself to her...I even googled this person for hours because It didnt make sense to me why I felt so much fear regarding this person.

After so much work there are still people around who have that thing going which makes me feel like a wrack. Its not others, its my distorted view.

I feel very cracked in the inner. And the worst thing is I feel as if this person "should" judgeme and should have mercy. Its as if I want to tell her " look I am a piece of worthless sh*" you should punish me.

Its very hard to come out of this emotional bubble..
 
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I have the same experience sometimes, although it is slowly getting better. I remind myself of what I deserve, and I listen to the voices of others who have told me what I deserve. Sometimes when I have a hard time believing my own voice, I can find relief in believing others words about me. I do this over and over. I also try to not be too hard on myself, because that makes the feeling worse. Slow recovery is good enough--I do not need to have the burden of expecting to be unaffected by such people.
 
So, everyone has people that rub them the wrong way or set them off. When you add in PTSD, that gets magnified. It doesn't lessen the progress you have made or you as a person. I think part of recovery from PTSD isn't that we don't have moments where something triggers us, it's that we have the coping skills and self-acceptance to keep it to a flicker of feeling that doesn't derail us.

I am sorry you got triggered. What can you do to comfort and or ground yourself?
 
@Wendell_R thanks :-)
can find relief in believing others words about me

Is definitely helpful!

think part of recovery from PTSD isn't that we don't have moments where something triggers us,

Yes. When these triggered moments take over I go right into the black/ white dimension. I wasnt assertive = I am weak and stupid/ worthless. Forgetting that there have been so many moments where I have been assertive.

I am having a cold so I am grounding by laying around. Thanks @Muttly
 
Oh I think your intuition plus a big dose of hyper-vigilance and her demeanour or 'look' have stacked the odds against you. It is understandable that sometimes this might happen. Don't be so hard on yourself.

Take care of that cold and yeah you know that you can be professional when you need to be.
 
I know, the bottom falls out. : / It'll fade though. When this happens, I realize how vulnerable I am still. In fact, I'm worse but it's part of healing in a backward way. I never let myself feel this vulnerable but I couldn't really hide it anyway? IDK. I hope you feel better and don't have to dwell on it too long.
 
Take care of that cold and yeah you know that you can be professional when you need

Thank you @blackemerald1

I am not OK. Feel very depressed, more grief/ lost connections/ connections that Dont happen because well life's got its own ways. Tendencies to feel sorry about self/ life/ ppl in general can again be felt as weakness. Do I like people who constantly say that living sucks? I dont mind...I guess.. but people idealize strength/ the suckitup attitude. Maybe I do. But I feel like leaving things behind. I dislike crying like this, its just urghhh..

Ok..so take your cup of tea purusha and Do something. No one will and no one can take you out of here.

Thanks @Mach123
Not the best place to be in... will Do it
 
@PURUSHA - is this a dip in the road or are you hurtling down the hill?

Because it's okay when you have ptsd to not always be at the optimal absolute best you can be every day!!

And suck it up buttercup etc. isn't helpful at all...

Living does f*king suck sometimes.. it really hurts and you are entitled to be depressed about rubbish that comes your way.

You are not in control of everything. I think you are an awesome human being but you don't control everything... or at least not all the time. :hug:
 
Living does f*king suck sometimes.. it really hurts and you are entitled to be depressed about rubbish that comes your way.

Thanks @blackemerald1. :)
Woundedness feels to me..still after so many hours of therapy ..as if I have decided willfully to let others judge over me.."see I bleed and I let the flies settle on my wound". This might not make sense it is originating ofcourse from traumatic experiences.. and I feel there is something deeply hidden and I dont seem to have the keys for it. I still Dont get why I want certain peoples mercy. Yes, again knowing the power play issues... but I feel its getting very powerful, T has focused very much on stabalizing...but maybe we need to dig deeper. There was a situation me being a kid and was with a man for maybe two weeks...and not having any memory.. i feel this is coming slowly to the surface..

Anyways...I must Do some soulrest today. Some Soulfood too...

Thank you..sorry this all got so long.. Just a hint of helplesness
 
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And the worst thing is I feel as if this person "should" judgeme and should have mercy
Its very hard to come out of this emotional bubble

For what it is worth, you are not alone. I have been doing very well and I had a couple of random encounters with men..simply put both hit on me and I just fell into a funk. I was upset with myself for not handling it more assertively....but mostly for the dark funk it left me in.

Simply put it hit me my reaction .... is more than the situations warranted. It hit me I was in an emotional flashback, their was something about the one guy and how he approached me that was just VILE to me. I wrote down all of the situations I have been through historically...it is no wonder I got triggered. I re-read Pete Walker and was able to "arrest" my fall into yuck-land.

Catching this before I went to far and using my grounding, reading Pete.....wow, it made a difference and very quickly. Now I get more of my reaction and it is ok, I've been through some sh*t.

I mention this in hope maybe it gives you an idea about your situation. I am finding these plunges into darkness may be a signal to uncover and purge something.

Its like cleaning a basement, you dread, avoid, procrastinate then finally dive in. Once finished the world feels lighter.

All the best,

Whirlwind
 
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