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Untranslatable Words

Thread starter #1
The idea of starting a diary is something i've contemplated for a while now, and I think I'm finally at a point in my journey where this will be pretty beneficial for me. I feel like I am at a point in my life where I need to heal, rather then spend the rest of my life running from my Childhood shit, which has always been a massive fear of mine. I'm not sure how much detail I'll go into in this diary, but, even just a little mumbo jumbo, getting things off my chest log seems like a bright idea. Especially if in, say, a few months time when I feel like I'm not making progress, I can look back and see that I have, indeed, moved forward somewhat in my recovery.
That's the plan, anyway.

So, here I am! It's currently 5:55am and I haven't slept yet, which is great, obviously. It's been a rough one, I've had flashbacks bombard me for the majority of the night, which wasn't great. I'm currently in dissociated lala land now though, thankfully, with a f*ck off headache to remind me that this is indeed, still my reality.

I couldn't for the life of me think of a name for this diary, so I looked on good ol' Quora and found that someone had suggested "untranslatable words" on a post I was reading, and I thought that described my situation perfectly, so I pinched it - all rights reserved.

I'd like to apologise for my gawdawful writing skills. I got taken out of school when I was admitted into hospital in year 8 (7th grade for ya'll from the states) and never returned (I'm now 18) so, my intellect has suffered and I'm definately not as literate as I could've been, which is a shame, because I was supposedly a sharp kid. But life goes on.

I'm not sure how much depth I'll go into with this whole diary thing, I hope that one day I can splurge out some of my trauma and feel okay with that, and not have it hurt so much... we'll see.

I've been ghosting about the forums for about a week now, and I've actually found some really useful techniques and information that has already helped me massively. I'm yet to post on any threads yet, I guess I'm worried that I'll just end up pointing out the obvious or making a silly comment that upsets someone - although I really should suck it up and give it a go.

I guess I should mention I live in a placement, 3 hours away from where i grew up (go team!). I'm here because of C-PTSD from CSA and have literally spent the past 2 years building up trust with the professionals around me. My 'home team' (social workers, PA etc) from where i grew up are incharge of this placements funding, though, and they have a problem with me "not making enough progress" and "being so far away from them that they can't support me" which I personally feel is a load of BS.
The expectations they have of me are completely unrealistic. Given the nature of complex trauma, they couldn't exactly expect me to waltz into adult life conpletely symptom-free and able to conquer the f*cking world. In reality, I haven't even started trauma therapy yet.
Their solution is to move me, back down south - aka where my trauma happened and friends aren't and the life and trust I've built up will all go to pot. Placement agrees, so they're trying to help me fight it.
Let's see how that goes.

I had a session with my T yesterday which was actually pretty productive. I made a safe place! Well, I actually made two, one is a forest with an armchair and a labrador, the other is a beach in Austrailia! I was thinking the forest could be for when I want to hide and the beach could be for when I need a breath of fresh air (:

Gosh this has taken me a while to write, I'm honestly pretty out of it right now but I think this is a good a start as any!
Thanks for reading this little ramble (:
 
#2
First, your writing is pretty good. It's clear and conveys feeling and imagery. So I would suggest letting that concern go. Second, journaling is quite therapeutic. It allows us to express those feelings in a safe place. You hit the mark when you said you could go back and read for yourself the progress you have made. That is one of the best things about journaling. I would encourage you to journal even flashbacks, nightmares, even about the smallest symptoms. Writing is very freeing, helps the mind to heal, and, if you're comfortable with it, can be shared with T to give them insight to guide your therapy. Kudos for the decision. Prayers for peace and strength as you move forward.
 

ladee

MyPTSD Pro
#3
Great start to your diary! I happen to love 'rambles' as I do it in my own diary. Get a lot out that way.

Your writing is very good. It 'feels' like you are sharing from a real place and I always learn something from people that write that way.

Take your time, don't worry about upsetting anyone. We are all responsible for ourselves here. It will soon start to feel like another 'safe place' for you.

Hope to see you around the forum. If not, that's ok too. We all have our way of doing this healing thing.

Support and healing for you @Mayalearnstosmile!
 
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