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Using a diary for EMDR therapy


I'm thinking that I just post here and come back and add to this post for each new entry. If that is not correct, someone please direct me to the right way to do this :)
I'm finding EMDR exhausting. I came home and took a three hour nap and still didn't really want to wake up. We started working on a memory today of when I was three. I don't have a lot of details, mostly just the image of me laying in bed and the feeling of being very afraid of my grandfather coming in the room. I've always known that CSA started before my first birthday, but it has always felt like head knowledge. I didn't connect emotionally to it, and it never felt like it was about me. Today, for the first time, I was starting to get very close to accepting that it was me being hurt. During the processing, I watched the scene from a distance as if it was a small movie. There wasn't a lot to see at first, then the child started to seem more real and then my grandfather showed up in the room. I wasn't expecting that because I was just trying to focus on the child. Then I noticed she looked really scared so I gave her a teddy bear to hold and then a cage came down on top of her bed to keep him away from her. We gave her a lock and key for the cage so that she can get out anytime she wants, but he can't get to her. She liked me helping her. I've never been able to do that before. We didn't have time to go further, so for now she is tucked away in a treasure chest at the bottom of the ocean until time to work on that memory again. I don't feel much right now. Last week the feelings didn't hit until the next day so I'm a little anxious to see how that goes. However, my eyes are super sore and tired. I hope it's like using other muscles and this lessens over time. I think keeping a diary of how things go will be helpful since I forget so much.
I dreamed about my mom and brother last night but thankfully it wasn’t a nightmare. Probably my brain trying to finish processing my session. So far I feel okay today. When I was trying to fall asleep last night I had some body memories that were intense but I was able to remind myself that it was just my brain processing trauma. It came out of nowhere and caught me off guard so I’m happy about being able to tolerate the uncomfortableness of it.
I’ve been thinking about the body memories. It all happened so fast and I realize today that they came on really strong and I had the thought “here we go, this is body memories from processing” and I felt it for about five more seconds and then I have no more memory of what happened. So, I don’t know if it went as well as I thought or if I dissociated. The next thing I remember is waking up this morning. I guess it’s okay if I dissociated as long as I continue to be able to stay present during sessions. It’s a bit confusing because I had convinced myself that I can’t dissociate while taking Naltrexone. Hopefully I can be more aware of the need to ground immediately next time it happens.
Ok, this is harder than I thought it was going to be. Normally I go to church on Wednesday nights but I just can’t bring myself to go tonight. I’m going to have to come up with a plan for better self care for the day after EMDR sessions. I’m not sure if staying home or going is better self care really but I just can’t go be around people right now. That’s probably what I actually need now that I say that but I’ve waited too long to change my mind now. Sigh...
Today’s session was really hard, but I’m thankful that I made a little progress. We started working on this memory 3 sessions ago and finally today the little girl being hurt had a face. And at some point my language changed from using she and her to me and I. I’ve never been able to personalize anything that has happened to me so that was a great step forward. But then my grandfather became more clear in the memory and and started touching her (me) and that was way more intense than I expected. We had to leave it there cause we were out of time so I put him in my container and dropped him in the ocean until next week. I’m feeling okay so far but the aftermath usually comes tonight or tomorrow so in the mean time I’m going to work on some self-care. I absolutely hate it when t refers to the child in the image as the little me. Goodness, my stomach just completely flips and it’s all I can do to tolerate the feelings. I logically know it was but I don’t know if I’m ready to feel her trauma as my own. Baby steps forward...
I've never heard of that idea! Wonderful!

Yes, you're moving faster than you think, and taking baby steps is important.
Yes! I have a treasure chest with chains wrapped around it with lock and key and we sink it the bottom of the ocean then at the start of next session we haul it up with a crane. It has worked surprisingly well! ?