Sharon7788
Learning
I'm thinking that I just post here and come back and add to this post for each new entry. If that is not correct, someone please direct me to the right way to do this :)
I'm finding EMDR exhausting. I came home and took a three hour nap and still didn't really want to wake up. We started working on a memory today of when I was three. I don't have a lot of details, mostly just the image of me laying in bed and the feeling of being very afraid of my grandfather coming in the room. I've always known that CSA started before my first birthday, but it has always felt like head knowledge. I didn't connect emotionally to it, and it never felt like it was about me. Today, for the first time, I was starting to get very close to accepting that it was me being hurt. During the processing, I watched the scene from a distance as if it was a small movie. There wasn't a lot to see at first, then the child started to seem more real and then my grandfather showed up in the room. I wasn't expecting that because I was just trying to focus on the child. Then I noticed she looked really scared so I gave her a teddy bear to hold and then a cage came down on top of her bed to keep him away from her. We gave her a lock and key for the cage so that she can get out anytime she wants, but he can't get to her. She liked me helping her. I've never been able to do that before. We didn't have time to go further, so for now she is tucked away in a treasure chest at the bottom of the ocean until time to work on that memory again. I don't feel much right now. Last week the feelings didn't hit until the next day so I'm a little anxious to see how that goes. However, my eyes are super sore and tired. I hope it's like using other muscles and this lessens over time. I think keeping a diary of how things go will be helpful since I forget so much.
I'm finding EMDR exhausting. I came home and took a three hour nap and still didn't really want to wake up. We started working on a memory today of when I was three. I don't have a lot of details, mostly just the image of me laying in bed and the feeling of being very afraid of my grandfather coming in the room. I've always known that CSA started before my first birthday, but it has always felt like head knowledge. I didn't connect emotionally to it, and it never felt like it was about me. Today, for the first time, I was starting to get very close to accepting that it was me being hurt. During the processing, I watched the scene from a distance as if it was a small movie. There wasn't a lot to see at first, then the child started to seem more real and then my grandfather showed up in the room. I wasn't expecting that because I was just trying to focus on the child. Then I noticed she looked really scared so I gave her a teddy bear to hold and then a cage came down on top of her bed to keep him away from her. We gave her a lock and key for the cage so that she can get out anytime she wants, but he can't get to her. She liked me helping her. I've never been able to do that before. We didn't have time to go further, so for now she is tucked away in a treasure chest at the bottom of the ocean until time to work on that memory again. I don't feel much right now. Last week the feelings didn't hit until the next day so I'm a little anxious to see how that goes. However, my eyes are super sore and tired. I hope it's like using other muscles and this lessens over time. I think keeping a diary of how things go will be helpful since I forget so much.