Vent- Relationship: What Happens When The Shoe is on the Other Foot?

[FightingLily]

This past year, I have always done well in controlling myself, in analyzing my thought processes, in giving myself reality checks. For those who know me, they know I am pretty strong willed and opinionated despite this illness. I am able to think logically 99% of the time. I am still working on my emotions- on identifying them and letting them surface.

I am writing this because I want out of my relationship. There is so much material here for carers when they feel unloved and disrespected, but there is none here for us sufferers... why is that?

What happens when the shoe is on the other foot?

I am the one with PTSD: I have a billion things going on in my head, its like cable tv: each channel is a thought, or memory, or flashback all playing at once, full volume, demanding attention. I am stretched beyond my limits not only with what is going on internally, but with the normal everyday good and bad stress of the upkeep of my home and care for my children. Normally I am able (with a strong effort) to contain it (the rage), rationalize it, let it go.

And then I have a live in boyfriend who is "not together". To put it bluntly, he's a damn mess. Even after a whole year of living together:

He has no semblance of organization: he is constantly moving things and not putting them where they belong. He knows this drives me crazy..yet does it anyways..
He is not always reliable: thanks to my step dad who taught me self reliance. Just recently I asked him to remind me of a schedule change with my appts and he failed to do so, resulting in my missing an important appt. How can I come to rely upon him, when he fails to remind me, the only time I ever asked?
He asks for attention (code for sex) at the most unrealistic times like when I'm agitated or anxious, then has an attitude about it, takes it personal, reacts childishly...

How many times must I repeat myself???? He has officially pissed me off to the point of wishing bodily harm on him. I am currently keeping myself from throwing his clothes out and aggressively slapping him around by being here and writing this post.

It isn't like I don't actively speak to him about my thoughts in a civilized way and with tact, so why is he not getting it? He chronically fails to see: he needs to be more organized, more reliable, and when I'm stressed, the shop is closed, no candy until I feel better...and when I'm distant, relax, it isn't about you...I cannot tolerate co-dependency, nor will I tolerate his almost toddler like pouting....When I speak to him, he isn't grasping the content, even with a full explanation.... does he just have the emotional and mental range of a teaspoon, or is he so self absorbed, he does not care?

Next questions. I know every relationship has its trials, but I honestly don't see this relationship moving past this... is this(my doubts/criticism) my PTSD taking over? Am I being unrealistic in my desire for him to be the strong logical one for a change? Can I just have anxiety without him becoming a freakin baby? And if I do decide to end it, how can I trust my decision? Is there material on what to do when your "carer" starts doing things that are unproductive? Or is the only choice:termination papers and a prompt ship out?

 

[Nicolette]

Hi Lily

I'm only on a lunch break so can't write much. I did want to say I would not expect any less of a carer than what is expected of yourself. If a relationship does not have reciprocal respect and he is driving you crazy it sounds like you may what to lay things on the line and see if he either smartens up (wants to stay) or doesn't improve (isn't really invested in the relationship).

Good luck.

 

[becvan]

Next questions. I know every relationship has its trials, but I honestly don't see this relationship moving past this... is this(my doubts/criticism) my PTSD taking over? Am I being unrealistic in my desire for him to be the strong logical one for a change? Can I just have anxiety without him becoming a freakin baby? And if I do decide to end it, how can I trust my decision? Is there material on what to do when your "carer" starts doing things that are unproductive? Or is the only choice:termination papers and a prompt ship out?

I'm not sure I can really answer this for you, however, I can tell you what I have learned. I've discovered it takes a certain type of person to be a partner to someone like us. Most people are just not cut out for it, quite frankly. I found that my recipe for a good partner is someone with a lot of patience, reliable, organized, down to earth, a great sense of humor and a very steady emotional state. I require a rock. You have to be grounded and level headed like a rock or it isn't going to work. I require a person I can lean on when I can no longer hold it together, who will do so without bitching until I can get it back together. Anyone who does not fit this criteria doesn't even get a shot with me. I won't waste my time or theirs.

My suggestion would be to sit down and figure out what you really need in a relationship. Then figure out if those needs are being met or not in this relationship. If they aren't, can it be worked on or is it hopeless? Oh.. and don't do this when your angry, do this when your calm so that you know your thinking clearly and rationally.

I feel for ya. Hope it gets better, either way, soon. :Hug_emoticon:

bec

 

[FightingLily]

Most people are just not cut out for it, quite frankly. I found that my recipe for a good partner is someone with a lot of patience, reliable, organized, down to earth, a great sense of humor and a very steady emotional state. I require a rock.

You've summed it up right here. He doesn't have the strong and solid emotional state I require...

My suggestion would be to sit down and figure out what you really need in a relationship. Then figure out if those needs are being met or not in this relationship. If they aren't, can it be worked on or is it hopeless?
bec

I know what I want and need in a relationship, I would rather be alone, than to settle for less. No those needs aren't being met and I'm left wondering what ever attracted me to him in the first place... I've always kept him in the loop, but his inability to retain the information makes me think this is hopeless...

 

[pandora]

Could you go to a therapist together to help you with explaining things to him or maybe the counsellor could explain the disease (another persons perspective) into how much his behaviour does not help you and only makes your symptoms increase?

 

[catjudo]

Is there any point in dragging him to a counselor to explain how his behavior isn't helpful if she doesn't feel like he has the ability to be the kind of partner she needs/wants? What would be the point?

Pandora--I'm not attacking your suggestion...merely offering a different perspective. At the moment I'm having trouble thinking of another way to word what it is I'm trying to ask that doesn't sound like it's directed at you. Please don't take my question personally as it's not meant that way.

 

[Marlene]

Question: Have you told your partner how you feel? I find that at times I will get upset with my husband and keep running the reasons why I'm upset in my mind. There they tend to get bigger and bigger. Talking about how I feel helps to make the problem feel manageable and not so overwhelming...at least for me.

Another question: Have you talked to your partner, in very detailed language, about what is expected or what you need? I'm having to deal with this issue of thinking I've told people what I need or want or whatever and it comes back to me that I'm not communicating very well. More along the lines of here's some hints...you figure out what I need. I'm finding that I'm having to make myself speak very clearly about my needs in order to have them met. New stuff...pretty tough.

I agree with Bec that it takes a certain type of person to live with someone with PTSD. Relationships are never easy. Things that are worth it never are. Add PTSD into the mix and it cranks up the difficulty level.

Lily-I'm not trying to minimize your pain or frustration. I've read in other posts about your partner being so helpful to you and loving you, etc. If you think this relationship is worth saving you're going to have to sit down with your partner and figure out a way to change what needs changing. And the reality of that is that you might end up hearing things about you and your behavior that you might not want to hear. Your partner may not be having his needs met and is acting how he is because of frustration, too. Change has to come from both sides in order for a relationship to truly change and succeed.

Prior to making any drastic decisions about your relationship (i.e. packing him and his stuff up and shipping him out) I'd talk first, be really open and ask him to open up as well.

Good luck
Lisa

 

[FightingLily]

Marlene, Catjudo, Pandora,
In the past year, yes he has been helpful,very loving, and very willing to learn with me about PTSD. Because I wanted to make sure our relationship was sound, I had him participate in any exercises my therapist threw my way.. just since the beginning of June, I've seen a change in him and increase of the behaviors that I mentioned above.

This past month he has reverted back to his old self and "ME" mentality. I've always been able to communicate my needs, my wants, but lately, he's been blowing me off when I want to have a discussion.... you know, the rolling of the eyes, the deep breathe that says "what now?" He makes it very clear, he does not want to talk.
I feel like he is playing a mind game: I know what need of his isn't being met and it is purely a physical need, sex. He's voiced it several times. And I rarely ever want to, but I do, just to meet this need unless I am experiencing anxiety.. I feel because this particular need isn't being met by me at this time, he refuses to fulfill my needs and expectations. So, I'm able to bend and compromise, yet he won't? And it's all about sex? Why is sex so damn important to him, when he knows I usually feel used during/after the fact and experience flashbacks? Maybe he needs to be with someone with a healthier sexual appetite... it certainly isn't me.

Ladies, I am so tired of being the diplomat. Being the diplomat makes me feel as if I'm not directing my attention where it needs to be (life's other demands). It is wearing me thin. What other choice do I have? Where else am I expected to compromise? Is this worth saving? All these questions, I will ask later tonight in my last attempt.

Thank you for all your responses. I am grateful I have healthy support within this site and outlet here.

P.S. If you see a fault/flaw in my logic of thinking, please say so and bring it to my attention. I need it sometimes and would really appreciate it.

 

[sweetface]

There is so much material here for carers when they feel unloved and disrespected, but there is none here for us sufferers... why is that?

What happens when the shoe is on the other foot?

I noticed this too. I've been looking around and have been trying to read topics where carers or partners of those with PTSD actually ask for our view and take on things and I don't see anything.