I need to get some heavy s*** off my chest and thought a thread for others to unload to may be helpful. Three months ago after I had my baby, I had torn, but I didn't see it, I just knew that I got very dizzy when I stood up and was probably bleeding too badly. My mother was induced with drugs two weeks early with me which led to her almost bleeding because they couldn't counteract the drug after I was born. I knew it was because they drugged her but I didn't want to take chances, plus, my roomate was saying that if it was serious, my husband would be very sad. After they convinced me into the hospital they found out it was just an external tear. I calmly asked what would likely happen if they didn't sew it up and they freaked out on me telling me I'd get an infection and a scar and everything would be horrible for ever more. They were also freaking out because my heart rate had something to do with the number 156, which they decided was really bad. I told them if they stayed back I might calm down, but they decided that they needed to "take care of me" pronto before I lost too much blood. They asked if I'd take half a seditive and "see how I felt then." My poor husband got all misty eyed pleading with me to take it so eventually I did. It hit me really hard, harder than I thought it would. I couldn't talk right and the little textured holes in the celing seemed to come down at me. WHen they came back in I was pretty sure I said "no, I'm not ready," but I don't think so now because they gave me the rest of the seditive and took me down. I don't think they'd leagally be able to do that if I was activly saying no. After they got me down there I kept trying to get off the table and they kept telling me not to move because they took the bottom off to get to me better. They ended up sewing me up wrong and now I hurt always. Its not the pain itself that botthers me its that I can always feel it. It ends up working as a constant trigger. That's really me down latly. I know it probably won't ever get fixed with out some surgery to. Great huh? I'm so sick of other people's mistakes and sh** getting in my way. Like this wedding thing on June 10 that I really don't care about. Before me and my husband left to get married I'd hear "you should have given us more notice cause now we can't come." First no one but our mothers were invited, and that was because we thought we needed witnesses! When my aunt said "well you have to have a big wedding so we can all come," I said "If you want to deal with that, go ahead, but I'll have nothing part in it." Well it got passed to my mother under the pretenses that we did want a big wedding, we just wanted to get married before the baby was born. Okay, really, I couldn't give a sh**. We were engaged for three years before that and just haden't gotten around to going. Now my mother tries to take over and sets up a cake and flowers and all this useless waste of money cr**, then dropps it due to finances. Nice job! So now my grandmother, who also thinks we want this big showy pain in the ***, takes over insisting I have see over everything! I don't care! This party is for all you people who for some reason need to see us dress up and make a show of ourselves. She just cannot understand that I really could not care if I wanted to. So now I'm sewing a dress for this and am pressured to put some music together. Sorry folks, deal with it! It's just stress I don't need or ever really wanted. I hope I don't freak out at it and accuse them of being jerks. One thing I really wanted before the baby was born was to be graduated. I had it all setup to graduate a year early. My counciler said "yeah, you have 200 work hrs left." So I came back with 253 or something. "That's great you've taken care of one of them!" she says. "One what you said I needed 200 hrs." "Yeah you need 200 hrs to finish a credit. You have two left." Now, by this time I had been fired due to a series of f****d over events. One of my coworkers was kidnapped by her parents and sent back to Germany or Russia or something. My boss talks to the senior workers and makes a new schedual. One of the days I now work which I had off I was schedualed to take my husband to a nearby town to take his SAT's. I look it up, the trip is reported to take a max of 30 each way. 30 mins there + when SAT starts + 10 min dally +30 min back = 40 mins before I have to work. "Oh," I think, "Okay, so I should be fine either way." We leave. Ride both ways takes almost an hour. SAT's don't start until an hour after they say they did for "prequalification." I explain this, over the phone in SAT parking lot, to new boss. She had just taken over two or three weeks before. The next day I work, my car engin freezes, won't start until I'm fiveteen min late. I call and tell them I'll be there once my car works. "Oh don't even worry about it," says new boss. "That's not fair to you guys." "Well, I need people who are going to be here when they say they will be." Those were the only days I'd had a problem scence I started there six months prior. Well, back to the credit thing. Because that was supposedly all I needed we waited for a few months before turning them in because we'd found out I was pregnant and dealing with the guilt of fight or flighting ever time we try to get some prenatal care. So, when I turn this in I'm basically f***ed good. I've gone in scence then to setup an at home ciriculum and the number has risen to 3.25 credits I need. I have been reading and writing my ***off! This helps with a three month ols baby. She's a great baby, but she is a baby, and babies are needy. So last night/ this morning depending on when you sleep I freaked out, having a break down. I try to get on this site write something like this, only quakier and more desperate with altered content, the comp loggs me out before I send it, deleting 20 mins of typing. Same thing a few min ago. I feel like a fishing bobber with a very heavy sinker, just waiting for a big wave to plunk me under again. Husband and I got a sitter and drove around all yesterday for a break. It was nice, but I'm not sure how much it helped. I feel like I'm headed for another breakdown. I've been poorly escaping guilt. I try hard not to think unhelpful sh**, but the thought is there even if it's not put into words. I feel guilty for the fact that the precice nature of my fear blocks me from help. After those who work are gone I'll ask my spectubular (spectactical+tubular) roomate to watch Kitten (nickname for my kid) and take a long bath. A really long bath with water! Then maybe a nap. Thanks for creating and maintaing this site for me to rant on it!