Hey... I'm new here. I'm not sure how this works, but I'm looking for an answer and maybe somebody over here can help me...?
I was sexually abused from the age of 10 up until my late teenage years by my brother. I have C-PTSD, but I've never had recurring flashbacks or nightmares. The more I think back, the more I realise I can't remember ow old I was when we started, or any exact events of abuse. It's like he washed away every single memory of when he did stuff to me. I know what we did, and I know we did it at least once a week for about 7 years, but again, I can't remember when it started, or any exact events. I've had other PTSD symptoms, but my question is, I never knew what we were doing was wrong! Maybe I made myself believe it wasn't a big deal, but when I tell my therapist what he made me do, she says this was abuse and trauma.
My trauma got triggered when I turned 15 and I started therapy straight after that trigger. Ever since, it's gone downhill. So now I'm considering EMDR because everybody says it's very effective.
But I don't know if EMDR is right for me, because I don't have recurring nightmares or flashbacks, I don't feel my alarm bells going on when my brother is around, I don't even remember most of the details, I don't even feel anything. It feels like I'm living in bubble wrap, or under water, y'know, when your ears are filled with water and you can't hear anything? I barely cry, I barely feel sad. I always joke about my situation, although I'm self harming and I take a very lot of unprescribed medication to feel "in the clouds".
So a few questions:
1. Do I have trauma?
2. Why don't I have flashbacks or nightmares?
3. Why, after 5 years of therapy (various therapist, I've seen my current one for 3,5 years already) is it still difficult for me to work with a therapist, and do what I have to do, open my mouth and TALK???
4. I'm always scared I made it all up because I barely remember any concrete details, and I don't get haunted by memories, so what if.... I'm just crazy...? I'm very worried about that... Yet somewhere, I know it really did happen, but then why don't I remember anything?
I realise I sound very naive and stupid, maybe it is the inner child in my writing this. But I don't work with therapists. It's not what I do, I don't need therapy. But... I do need these answers...
Please, would somebody mind helping me?
I was sexually abused from the age of 10 up until my late teenage years by my brother. I have C-PTSD, but I've never had recurring flashbacks or nightmares. The more I think back, the more I realise I can't remember ow old I was when we started, or any exact events of abuse. It's like he washed away every single memory of when he did stuff to me. I know what we did, and I know we did it at least once a week for about 7 years, but again, I can't remember when it started, or any exact events. I've had other PTSD symptoms, but my question is, I never knew what we were doing was wrong! Maybe I made myself believe it wasn't a big deal, but when I tell my therapist what he made me do, she says this was abuse and trauma.
My trauma got triggered when I turned 15 and I started therapy straight after that trigger. Ever since, it's gone downhill. So now I'm considering EMDR because everybody says it's very effective.
But I don't know if EMDR is right for me, because I don't have recurring nightmares or flashbacks, I don't feel my alarm bells going on when my brother is around, I don't even remember most of the details, I don't even feel anything. It feels like I'm living in bubble wrap, or under water, y'know, when your ears are filled with water and you can't hear anything? I barely cry, I barely feel sad. I always joke about my situation, although I'm self harming and I take a very lot of unprescribed medication to feel "in the clouds".
So a few questions:
1. Do I have trauma?
2. Why don't I have flashbacks or nightmares?
3. Why, after 5 years of therapy (various therapist, I've seen my current one for 3,5 years already) is it still difficult for me to work with a therapist, and do what I have to do, open my mouth and TALK???
4. I'm always scared I made it all up because I barely remember any concrete details, and I don't get haunted by memories, so what if.... I'm just crazy...? I'm very worried about that... Yet somewhere, I know it really did happen, but then why don't I remember anything?
I realise I sound very naive and stupid, maybe it is the inner child in my writing this. But I don't work with therapists. It's not what I do, I don't need therapy. But... I do need these answers...
Please, would somebody mind helping me?