• 💖 [Donate To Keep MyPTSD Online] 💖 Every contribution, no matter how small, fuels our mission and helps us continue to provide peer-to-peer services. Your generosity keeps us independent and available freely to the world. MyPTSD closes if we can't reach our annual goal.

Sufferer Very successful in life, then divorced, commited a crime, then diagnosed with CPTSD + autism

Status
Not open for further replies.

Shervin

New Here
For as long as I can remember I always felt like an outsider at all times, never feeling like I could relate to anyone during childhood or later years, but I managed to persevere through life and became a highly advanced computer expert in my late 30s living a very adventurous life and being a proud Dad. I never had therapy in any form or talked to anyone about any issues I'd had until this year. But after my recent divorce I committed a criminal act that was completely unlike me. Soon after, I happened to be chatting to a friend about his PTSD and then realized I have all the symptoms of PTSD and have had them since childhood! I got confirmation from a psychologist and psychiatrist that I have lived most of my life with quite severe Complex PTSD + a bit of autism, and now that I've been undertaking months of therapy and reading more about CPTSD, I'm realising that nearly everything about my identity & behaviour & peculiarities & beliefs throughout my life have been mostly just the result of my CPTSD. Now I'm very confused about who I actually would have been if I didn't happen to get CPTSD, as if CPTSD is my only form of identity. (Out of the 4 F types of the "Complex PSTD" book, I'm very much both a Freeze and a Fawn type).

I'm guessing in my case it wasn't a single thing that caused my Complex PTSD, it was due to many traumatic things happening during my early childhood, followed by having almost no parental or extended family support for the rest of my childhood. So my subconscious mind did what it had to do to survive, leaving me as feeling very little emotions and being very disconnected with the world for decades, and never able to be emotionally intimate enough to even make much friends let alone with partners. And getting flashbacks from pretty much every time I've ever been within a few metres of almost any human, except on rare occasions that I've been comfortable around 1 or even more people.

A few weeks ago I started following a book's motivational self-help program (The Miracle Morning) with a new friend, and she convinced me to write down my 3 worst difficulties and then after meditation to spend time thinking of the good points of them all. So instead of just listing my childhood traumas, I also mention the bright side of them too.

I'm slightly autistic, was born in Iran during both a war and a civil revolution, my room caught on fire as a baby and I spent months in hospital almost dead and have lived with a facial scar for life, and after migrating to Australia I haven't been allowed to have connection to my original culture or grandparents or extended family. All things that probably made my later traumas harder to deal with. But the 3 worst things that happened in my life, and the good things I've gained from them are:

* When I was 7, my little brother and I were kidnapped by our babysitter and we were almost taken overseas. "Luckily" I had very little trust in adults by that stage (as a result of my earlier traumas), so I figured out she was secretly kidnapping us and I came up with a plan to save us.
The positive sides:
+ Our kidnapper was arrested and we went back to living our lives.
+ Our kidnapper accidentally left her stereo at our house, so we had a fancy music player for many years.
+ This and other events made me very grateful for my life and freedom ever since I was a child, and I think this is why I've been so motivated & hard working for most of my life.

* When I was 4 or 5, I worked in a paedophile ring, where I regularly had to strip and dance naked on stage for men late at night, and then I was held down and atleast one time I think I was gang raped by the men. This is probably why I've never been able to feel comfortable around any humans except for my family, and therefore never really able to socialize or have normal emotions and experiences. I do feel most types of emotion but only when it's really intense life-or-death levels of emotions, so I've never been able to relate to everyone else's normal daily conversations. I also haven't been able to feel almost any anger related emotions (anger, rage, greed, jealousy, revenge, frustration, etc) at all in several decades, because my subconscious must be blocking all of these emotions. It's actually impacted me even deeper than just emotions, I recently found out I barely have any sense of smell, barely any sense of warm temperature, and a limited sense of touch and taste compared to most people.
The positive sides:
+ When I was 5 I helped my friend that was also being sexually abused.
+ Becoming very emotionless helped me to become an expert in technology, that I used to help millions of people online and now I'm using to help save people and I'll eventually build devices for blind people.
+ Becoming very emotionless also helped me to take care of my mother and little brother & sister whenever they had emotional problems.
+ Because I'm already scared of most people I don't really have much of a comfort zone, it's easy for me to jump out of my comfort zone and do adventurous things with my life.
+ Being so emotionless has allowed me to be an extremely patient person, which has helped many aspects of my life.

* When I was 6, my Dad moved overseas and I spent the rest of my childhood mostly just living with my siblings and Mum that has major psychological problems and for decades didn't have even a single friend or family member in Australia, so me and my little brother & sister had to mostly raise ourselves and we didn't get much love or help for any difficulties. This is probably what gave me Complex PTSD instead of just normal PTSD, since I didn't have any support to deal with my traumas. I'm pretty sure my Mum also has Complex PTSD since childhood and she's effected by her traumas even worse than I am, so if anyone talked about having difficulty with anything, my Mum would get quite annoyed because it didn't compare to the level of difficulties she's gone through.
The positive sides:
+ I have a strong bond with my brother and sister.
+ I became extremely emotionally stable like a rock. I've helped many friends & family just by being a stable rock for them and being able to listen to their problems.
+ I know how I shouldn't raise my daughter, now that I've caused her to also have separated parents.
+ I know how my daughter feels as a child with separated parents.
+ Me and my siblings and Mum all turned out healthy & successful in the end.

I'm not looking for anything in particular by joining this forum, but I'm 3 months into a very long journey of self-discovery and self-transformation, that's probably going to take me years but I really think I can become a more complete human in the end, and I look forward to having more emotions and senses when my subconscious finally allows it. It's been a very tough few months, but I survived my previous 38 years so I expect I can survive the next, hopefully with much more joy than pain.
 
Welcome! I'm so sorry you had to go thru all those things but you will find many here who understand.
 
Yes.. I understand most of your post. I am like you with no autism. Hang in there.. You'll have good days and bad days. You learn to accept the good with the bad. Someone needs to tell you I'm sorry. So I will say, I'm so sorry you had to go through that extent of abuse, but I understand. All rocks have to let out their feelings, including me. Thanks! ?
 
Thanks Deanna! It's shame to hear you also have similar issues, but it is comforting to know that I've found a community of people suffering from similar issues as me. That I'm not alone.
 
Hi Shervin,

I can relate to quite a bit of what you've been dealing with. Our stories are very different but we have some common ground, so I hope if nothing else, this makes you feel a little less alone and a little more validated.

I too am CPTSD, autistic, and live a successful work life. When ostensibly you're doing 'well' in life, it can be challenging to get in touch with the hard, ugly truths under the surface. There is a beauty of the autistic brain in that we are incredibly logical and expert problem-solvers. A big part of what's gotten me through recovery is harnessing that power to work through emotional issues, and using it to analyze my own mind.

Recovery is a beautiful and scary process and I hope this website helps in some way. It certainly has for me.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top