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General Vet advice welcome, does not like crowds, which things do you enjoy doing together?

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anonymous

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Advice from vets would be very welcome. My guy does not like crowds very much. This includes shopping malls, theme parks, restaurants, cinemas and so on. In the summer months we love to enjoy nature, do. things in the garden and so on, but now that fall is coming...
My husband enjoys watching TV. I hate it.

Here is my questions:
What ways to spend you free time have those of you who do not like crowds discovered?
How do you cope with big celebrations, having crowds of friends over some of whom you do not know very well and so on?
Is it true you do not mind being left out... such as everybody going to the cinema but you cannot come?
Must I feel bad doing those things alone?
My father thinks I should push my guy to socialize more. Should I? He does socialize (meet with his buddies) but does not like things like going to the bowling alley together and so on. He tried to make friends at his work but without success, one of the reasons is he does not enjoy the things they do.

Thanks!
 
He does not see his friends very often. They life in another part of the country. Most of my friends and family members do too. Sometimes I have them over and we do things together, but when we go out he never joins but sits at home and maybe has a beer. He says he does not care... but when we come home he always seems to be a bit of sad.. and then I feel really, really guilty.
 
I'd take him at his word that he doesn't mind. He could look sad for any number of reasons. If he knows he has an open invitation to go out whenever he wants, then he is making his own choices. It's even possible he may wish he could go and feels bad about that, but he could feel waaaaaaaaaay way way worse if he DID go out. What's worse? Sad or panicky? That's what he may have to decide between.

I would never try to push or cajole my vet into socializing or going out if he didn't want to. You can't talk somebody out of having a mental illness. If he is triggered by crowds, then he's just going to feel worse if he feels like he is being pushed into being out in one.

Sometimes you just have to accept things you cannot change.

My vet hates crowds and people behind him as well. We go to small, less crowded theaters if he feels like going to the movies. We sit in the last row with our backs against the wall. We go to little hole in the wall restaurants and sit in a corner. We go walk through museums when they're not crowded (like right when they open on a Sunday morning). We do a lot of outdoor stuff all year long, we just bundle up in the winter. Camping, off-roading, fishing... whatever his mobility allows. We also enjoy little sightseeing roadtrips. We'll go to TripAdvisor, or to visitor centers nearby and pick up brochures on historical landmarks or weird roadside attractions, then take off and go looking for them. Maybe grab lunch from a drive thru and eat it in the car at a park. He does pretty well with that as long as he's not too geeked about driving around that day.

I've also learned to let him pick activities. My idea of a good time isn't necessarily something he can handle. I love to shop, go to casinos, concerts, amusement parks... all of which would light him up. I do those things with girlfriends, my sister, or my kids. I'm just happy when he wants to go out in public, so anything is fine with me.
 
Personally, I have learned a thing the last month. Being "pushed" into ANYTHING riles me up like I am getting chained and whipped by police. I don't think it helps with anything except do more damage.

To me, it matters more how much I think someone understands me than what they do. If they don't understand you, it is very often (in this stupid rat race society) common for people to do this.

is your vet in decent shape? Again, I can only recommend to try out rock climbing and start small. You could start with top roping, which is MINIMAL risk. I planned to open a skydiving program for vets with PTSD, until I was hit right in the face with my current state. If you two are very close, you could even do together. It builds immense trust and let's you explore confidence and skill mastering at your pace.

Finally, I think even video games (play station, XBOX, WII) is a great options, but probably not GrandTheftAuto or CallOfDuty.
 
Please, please don’t push. It just makes it worse. It’s like telling a person I a wheelchair that they would feel better if they would just get up and walk. Going out when you aren’t ready is horrifying. Here’s an analogy that might help…. When you walk in a park you see pretty flowers and trees. When I walk in a park I see a hundred shadowed spaces where a bad guy is waiting to jump out and kill me.

Is he in counseling? If he’s reluctant to talk to someone in person there are a ton of websites he can use – including the military members forum on here. Once I figured out it wasn’t just me it got easier to handle. You have to understand how embarrassing it is to have PTSD. People don’t understand and there is still a huge stigma. Finally having a chance to talk to people like me was a godsend.

@Sweetpea76 had some great suggestions! Also, go to places on the off time, when there aren’t as many people. Give up on the bowling alley idea – it’s loud and sound like bombs going off. Always, always let him have an escape route. The first thing I do is plan my exit when I walk into a building and if I have to leave I do. Then I meet hubby at a place we chose before we went in. It could be another room or outside. Then I don’t spoil it for him, and I’m safe.

He might look into getting a service dog. Mine was the best decision I’ve ever made (except for hubby of course)

Don’t give up on your own life. Yes, it sucks to be left behind, but it sucks even more when you see the person you love missing out on things because you can’t get your shit together.

Hope that helps
 
What I have found that helps is I ask what my husband is up for on any given day, because it can very. Don't push him, if he's not up for something maybe try to find an alternative?

Another thing I have found that helps is if we go to the movies, get there early so that he can have his choice of seating where ever he will be comfortable. Most of the time my husband feels ok as long as his back is to a wall and he can see most of everything that is going on around him. When the movie is over, we wait until the crowd leaves and we are the last ones in the theatre and then we leave.

If he is up for going out in a crowd, and you can see that he is getting anxious help him through that anxiety. Usually for my husband I hold his hand, or try to have him focus on me for a few minutes, tell him he's safe and that he's ok. When my husband feels like being around people is beginning to be too much, I offer him the option to leave if that's what he needs.

A big part of my husbands C-PTSD is guilt, and being concerned that things are fair for me. If he starts to feel this way, I thank him for trying and that maybe next time we can try again when he's up for it.

But also, I would suggest to not give up on what you need/your life. Maybe try to find a friend to go the movies with if your guy isn't up for it or if you don't want to go alone?

I hope this helps.
 
Thank you guys very much for your advice. I appreciate it a lot.
I already do some of the things you mentioned (like letting him pick his seat) and he does some of the things, like looking for the exits before we sit down.
It makes me happy we already have some tools :)

Unfortunately my sufferer is not a really spontaneous person. When I ask him what he would like to do he often does not have any idea. I started "dragging him along"... only in case of things he is okay with of course.
I get a feeling that he really does not like sitting at home watching TV. It is more like he does not want to burden me with how he really feels. That is my feeling but I might be wrong...
 
My guy isn't a fan of crowds either. We do alot of things outside. Walking. Biking. Kayaking. Fishing. ...

For family get togethers or parties he will spend alot of time outside. Walking the perimeter. Checking doors and windows. Making sure the kids are safe. People don't even notice what he's up to. It keeps him calm.

He's not a fan of going out at night either which can't be avoided sometimes. We do alot of things during the day so we're home by night fall.

When he isn't able to go out I never push or complain. I have no problem doing things on my own. My friends and family understand and never pry.

As for watching tv. We do alot of that around here. He likes fantasy movies and documentaries. I try to find things we both like. And I've become a fan of PBS.

It's funny you mentioned spontaneity. J thinks he's spontaneous. Well he is as long as we have a plan, directions and a time frame. Lol

We recently watched a good movie "King Arthur" it's the new one by Guy Ritchie. Check it out. If you're interested in that kind of story.

Have fun!
 
Sometimes we get on Yelp or TripAdvisor and look for the smallest, sketchiest looking, hole in the wall restaurants with the highest star ratings, then go try them. It's at least interesting. I had the best seafood I've ever had in the Midwest in a building that looked like it was gonna fall down. These places are usually either empty or slam packed. If they're crowded we'll get it to go. Makes for a fun date.
 
I have been doing something vety helpful lately. As mentioned, I am big fond of rock climbing. However, it is maybe mostly about the solitude and beatitude of nature. In my town, there is a park in a suburb which goes back hundreds of years and is an Indian sacred site back in the days. It also has 30-something rock and bouldering sites, nestled within a gorgeous forest hilly area. I have made it my personal thing to explore every tiny bit of it; every crack; every ledge and view site. It gives me peace and comfort to know and explore it to such details and something new to fill my brain. Mostly, there is only a few hikers and the occasional climber there and we all "love" our solitude. Yesterday, I saw a big fox and started crying for some reason, but I think it was happiness.

So this is my new personal revelation. Find your quiet nature preserve and hyper focus upon it like you have full blown ADD. When I go there, I bring my cat, which is leash trained and comes with me everywhere. She also is sensitive to my emotions. I think I will file to get her approved as companion dog when time comes.

Make your favorite sandwich and bring it have a friend bring from a store. I will write a book about the park as I go. Maybe my new quest in life is to heal myself and learn to help others with this horrible condition. I never will know how it is to be a drug addict; never will know how it is to have many ailments and it always made me doubt how effective I could be at REALLY helping people to get to know h deep of the depth of problems. With PTSD, suddenly I understand so much more. I am committed to winning this fight and help others get a victory as well.

Again, if you know a good park, think about it. Nature is a precious resource we may forget at times. Nature is also pure, truthful and genuine. You know what you get, there are no surprises, (unless you listen to weather report first).
 
Advice from vets would be very welcome. My guy does not like crowds very much. This includes shopping...

And I thought I was the only one. My husband has PTSD from four deployments and he is the same way. It has become difficult for him to work because he gets anxious talking on the phone or talking to people. He hates going anywhere. He will go to the store with me, restaurants, etc. But to get him to a concert, any sort of public event is impossible. He has the best of intentions but then chickens out last minute.

The TV??? He is currently not working so he sits and watches TV ALL DAY!!!!! If he’s not watching TV, he’s playing video games, on his iPad, on his phone, etc. He has to have something occupying him all the time. When I’m at work he binge watches old shows. When I come home, it’s jyst one movie after another. I try to go out with my best friend every few 3-4 weeks and he’s great with that. It’s hard because we are a blended family and it seems like we never get them out to do things. Neither of us have family within Texas.

Please let me know if you come up with ideas. I love going to concerts and he’s pretty good about going if they are outside. We try to buy lawn tickets because he does better outside with no one right on top of him. We also have a baseball team (farm league) in the area that has lawn seating and he enjoys that.
 
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