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Victim-Perpetrator Dynamic - Need advice

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Rani G2

MyPTSD Pro
Yes...I do come back with the same old topic. No need to tell me that, I know!

Once again there was a situation at work where someone talked to me in a military tone. I got aggressive and answered back saying loudly "that I am not going to Do that" ect, but still kept myself under control although I did want to lash out at her. I will talk to her again and ask her why she reacted that way? I do this if people react in a certain way.

I feel I wasnt powerful enough..I wasnt showing my dominance. The thing is, I was active, I said my opinion. It always feels as if I lost the game. Which game? I cannot be the one who Did something in order to please someone- If I have an enemy then he/ she will "destroy" me- so in order to survive I must make the abuser " like" me.

I know this originates from the past...
But its extremely hard right now... I got triggered...

Purusha..open your eyes https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/full/10.1080/15299732.2017.1295373
 
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Hi @PURUSHA
Thank you for this post. I know it is not funny but the way you put it down was a bit comical...I hope you can see the humor after you cool off.

I also wanted to say thank you for this link. I love I MEAN I LOVE Sander Ferenczi and any research that cites him. He is a hero in my book.

I wish you the best.
 
@grit... your welcome.

It can be comical...and I can see the irrational aspect to it. What is rational in distortion?

The thing is I have this voice Daria who yells at other people ( In my mind) saying that " others" should submit themselves because I am very special/ intelligent/ beautiful. How dare they f* with me? They cannot compete with me.
Just after this loads of shame...

Its just arghhhhh
 
"Do it now"

Ah, that clarifies things :tup:

Honestly, I would focus on just those bits, in communication.
If the urgency is needed for the task and if I am the person to address that urgency, eventually if I am best suited for it if I thoroughly do not believe it is warranted. (Someone else better equipped may do it sooner, conflict removed, me not dealing with it, issue dealt with, supervisor satisfied with issue managed.)

Leaving the whole train of thought about power etc, out. As that is reading a lot into a situation sparked by a style of communication... That may not even apply to the current time.

Alternatively, they maybe cared for the thing done... did not occur to them they are sounding demanding, or conveying all that much about power. The phrasing maybe aint intentional, or meaning the same things to them.
 
Leaving the whole train of thought about power etc, out. As that is reading a lot into a situation sparked by a style of communication... That may not even apply to the current time.

Thank you @Ronin..getting there slowly.

The worst thing is the voice in my head it’s a mix of „I hope he/she rots in hell“ to „People Don’t honor me“ to „I am such an idiot for still not being able to deal with this properly“.

For me the hardest thing is to feel subjugated, it feels as if I am loosing touch with reality, or even suicidal. I cannot ever be the victim, again! I must always be strong and a fighter. Ah yes, I have only repeated this a 100 Million Times.
 
For me the hardest thing is to feel subjugated, it feels as if I am loosing touch with reality, or even suicidal. I cannot ever be the victim, again! I must always be strong and a fighter. Ah yes, I have only repeated this a 100 Million Times.
Can the ability to not be affected by people who act like asshats count as a win for someone strong? It could be like being with a toddler having a tantrum. They are screaming and yelling, but the adult doesn't think it implies a sense of subjugated because they understand it's about the child, not the adult.

Could you do that in this situation? Look at someone being bossy and understand that is more their lack of confidence than you losing power?
 
Could you do that in this situation? Look at someone being bossy and understand that is more their lack of confidence than you losing power?

Thanks @Freida. Good point.

These thoughts crossed my mind plus my T has spoken about this aspect and it’s very plausible.

What happens is that ( Typical trigger moment) My heart races/ throat tightens/ I feel like I must „fight“, but there is a rational voice that takes over to stay controlled. I say what I need to say and the situation doesn’t escalate. But and that’s what happens usually right afterwards emotions/fear takes over and the voice says, I should’ve yelled at her/ tell her that she is unfriendly.. ect. I knew in that moment it’s of no use, because it wasn’t also a „big deal“ but it becomes one afterwards for me. My colleague who was there said, that she did feel her behavior was slightly rude, but she felt that the woman was under stress and she also felt sorry for her.

I slept badly, thinking about this over and over again. So, today is „emotional work“.. will get to the Gym.
They are screaming and yelling, but the adult doesn't think it implies a sense of subjugated because they understand it's about the child, not the adult.

How could I visualize this in that moment?

I know I sound too dramatic, this being a very small incident. „Purusha grow up“...
Where is that one moment of clarity? Epiphany? Ah yes, Trauma=This and that happend to you, you realized it, you struggled with it, played games with it, and finally you understand. I am tired of this sh* and I know I sound irrational.
 
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