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Sufferer Voices inside shouting that I'm a liar - 40 years of therapy, just remembered CSA this year.

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Corkmonster

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I am 67 years old. I've been in different therapies for more than 40 years. Most of that time, I have been a (barely) walking mass of symptoms. I have carried many diagnoses. I knew I had had trauma, but didn't know what.

Earlier this year, a physical therapist was doing a medical treatment on me, which triggered memories of CSA. I was abused by my grandmother and my brother, starting at age four. My brother raped me throughout our childhood and teenage years. He also beat me often. The rapes and beatings only stopped when he committed suicide at age 18. I never forgot the beatings, but I must have locked the rapes away where I couldn't remember them.

I can't believe it ever happened. I can't disbelieve it, but I'm starting to think it must be true because I can't stop the flood of feelings. The memories are shadows and body feelings and Grief. It feels awful to not know for sure. I have a multitude of voices inside shouting that I'm a liar.
 
Hello, welcome :)

Sorry you had to find us, but glad you found us.

CSA is one of the traumas where it's more common to repress the whole thing.

It might be helpful to shift away from asking if it's true or not, because it is making you very distressed, like brings out the voices.

But instead look for what gives you some solace?

Can you or do you work with a therapist? As this stuff gets hard, and way worse before it gets better if you start working on it - and while definitely worth working on, it just ain't an easy ride. Therapists are kinda trained to help out with the bumps and rough patches.
 
can't believe it ever happened. I can't disbelieve it, but I'm starting to think it must be true because I can't stop the flood of feelings.

@Corkmonster... this is very painful...I can relate. There is something unknow/known to me... and all I'm dealing with are hardcore emotions/Voices of madness.. I' always return to the beginning to start at 0.
Sending support...
 
Thanks for your replies, Ronin and Purusha. I'm already deep into the middle of it. I don't think I could stop it even if I wanted to, but I wish I was certain what happened. The voices never go away. I wouldn't want them to because they're really parts of me, but they are very distressed right now.

I am a musician, and one thing that comforts me is my music. Often when I play, I will start weeping, and oddly enough that's a good thing. Another thing that helps is writing. All kinds of secrets and stuff come pouring out that way. I then print it out and bring it to therapy sessions. So far, it's kept me/us from getting stuck. Also, my faith is very important in keeping me alive and encouraging me.

Things didn't work out with the therapist I was seeing. I met with a new therapist yesterday. It's too early to tell, but I think I will be able to work with her. I would not want to do this work without a professional to guide me. It is taking a lot of courage, but I have to keep going.
 
Putting on my staff-hat for a moment ;)

@Corkmonster Members can change their username every so often.

Any Q’s about how, or navigating the forum, etc... the best place to get in touch with Staff is Contact Us All staff are members first, you’ll see us posting around in the forums / on chat/ etc, and volunteers... so we’re not all on at set times. Usually we just move forum related Qs directly to Contact Us but every once in awhile just leave a note in thread to hit us up over there.... especially when it’s been awhile and there are enough new members who might not know. :D

And back to being just myself... Welcome to the community!
 
i'm too scared of doing the wrong thing.
<grin> Thats partly why we like to remind people from time to time that getting in touch with staff, either by contact us, or hitting ‘report’ on a post isn’t a nuclear option. :) It’s an easy one, and a right one, and we’re all of us members with PTSD, ourselves.

Reading the Community Constitution might help set your mind at ease about doing anything “wrong”. We have very few rules here, and we send private notices if someone breaks them... I think I got 6 or 7 when I first came here. Mistakes happen. Even members with years in will still oops from time to time. Correct & move on. No worries! :D
 
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