Vomiting from fear

OliveJewel

MyPTSD Pro
I know the cause. My abuser dad who I’ve been no contact with for four years was walking outside my house on Monday as I left for work. And it looked like he deliberately turned away from me in my car and walked the other way.

I mean, I’m glad he didn’t try to approach but I didn’t know he was doing stuff like that. I know he lives almost two city blocks away so that’s a significant walk in a specific direction. He was wearing exercise clothes and walking.

My body is not trembling but I can’t stop thinking about wanting to move and it’s very much a feeling of needing to run or flee. I couldn’t eat much yesterday and no time to connect with T then—now in the night my body is vomiting. No fever, no pain, no weakness, just constant waves of fear—prickles on the neck and tight stomach.

It’s so uncomfortable to be alone with this. I wish I had someone to co-regulate with me. I’m lucky that I can see the trigger and feel the feelings but it still bothers me a lot. I made chamomile tea. I can’t quite cry—too scared and tense—but maybe soon I could connect with T—maybe in a few hours. My cat is here. My eyes and head feel so heavy.

I am mostly looking for comfort right now. 🥺😢
 

Cheryl42

New Here
I am so sorry this happened to you! It is good that you can identify your trigger. What things have you done in the past that helped when you have been triggered? Sounds like a good idea to get in touch with the therapist when you can today. I am at work where my assault happened so I can get triggered daily. I am praying for you and hope you are able to relax with your tea and your cat and maybe an activity to distract... a movie or video game?
 

OliveJewel

MyPTSD Pro
Thank you @Cheryl42 . I called the crisis line and cried a lot with someone and she asked if I can file a restraining order. I think so but that means focusing on him but I can get help.

I’m crying now which helps get the energy out. I will take a bath I think. I’m so angry and sad and scared. I want to feel a place where he is not and this is like a bad dream. I stopped feeling bothered when I saw him in the dreams. Now I feel like the first time I saw him in a dream. I hear you that dealing with triggers and seeing abusers is a challenge for most of us here.

Thank you @Survivor3 too for helping me not feel alone.
 

Rosebud

MyPTSD Pro
Yes most days. It is awful. Esp when you can't get away from the person (home , or work). I go through it most days or nights.

Gaviscon, fear reduction, a large dog , changing your routine are the things I can think of. Since he lives close and could actually be out for a walk. Restraining order or peace bond if applicable.

Hugs to you.
 

DharmaGirl

MyPTSD Pro
Vomiting is my body's go to reaction to triggers. And nightmares. I'm actually surprised that I'm fat!

I totally get how horrific it can be to be startled by an abuser. When I was in my 20s, I was at a convenience store and I saw my old fiancé who had beaten me terribly. The next second I was at the mall. I don't remember anything between seeing him and being at the mall. It can be such a frightening thing. I hope you get some peace.
 

OliveJewel

MyPTSD Pro
I texted my therapist at 6:30 and she called me back soon after 7 and talked with me for almost an hour.

@Rosebud I’m sorry you have this every day. And to you and @DharmaGirl thank you for sharing your experiences too so I don’t feel so alone.

It’s a very uncomfortable place to be in. I’m doing it. I’m being brave.

And it coincided with dealing with a predatory student at school. And T said two predators in one day is a lot for anyone. It took me three days to feel this time. And I’m able to ask for support for myself now. I did ask for help. And I will keep growing stronger.

He looked away from me. At least I have that effect on him.
 

Muttly

MyPTSD Pro
Two predators in a day is a ton to deal with. I'm so sorry and glad you are reaching out for support. I hope you continue to take gentle care of yourself. I don't vomit but can get intense stomach aches with stress. Our bodies reflect what's going on inside which can feel really rotten.
 

Rosebud

MyPTSD Pro
Glad you got some help @OliveJewel . Well I screwed my stomach up, so am sure it's my fault too. And have had to go through it so much and hate drama and usually can't avoid it so I've come to accept it. I have a 'predator' as you call it every day, only worse thing is I do their personal care. I got no help, so now I look at it as foolish man. But fwiw, I don't even notice nakedness, I make a joke to friends the best turn on for me is lots of clothes. Preferably a parka. I take Gaviscon to work now, helpful. Good for you to have the bravery, self-regard and hopefulness to deal with it and reach out.

Totally relate to @DharmaGirl saying can't remember turning up at the Mall. Or like you get flustered, and can't remember where you're supposed to be, or how to get home?
 

OliveJewel

MyPTSD Pro
Still vomiting and more frequently now. What is really bothering me though is the constant trembling—I can’t believe I experienced it for months four years ago. I wish I could get a sedative and relax. Maybe CBD oil tomorrow. I could have it delivered.
 
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