Undiagnosed Waiting for a diagnosis and I need help

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Possible ptsd

So here’s some info about me I haven’t been diagnosed yet I’m waiting to see a councillor.

When I was young I remember what I thought was a dream of my mum putting a cigarette in my mouth. When i was A child. My auntie recently told me this actually happened. So I know it’s real. I lived with my grandparents because my mum couldn’t look after me.

In secondary school I used to lie about my grandad for attention. When my friends asked me about I obviously couldn’t answer at first because in was embarrassed. After it came out because I relied on my friends in school so I tried to kill myself. I stopped the lying after I was confronted.

My grandad threw a chair towards me and my Nan. This happened because I was a teenager and we had an argument earlier that day. This happened between the lies I was telling but it did happen. My friends obviously didn’t believe me when I told them what really happened. I also once saw him hit our dog with a stick over and over because he was vicious to him.

Also I was mugged. Also in school I think I was 15 or around that age but I flashed on webcam once again for attention. It ended up getting screenshotted and apparently kids in school saw it. This was another reason for me wanting to die in school.

I’ve been in 2 car crashes. Every romantic relationship I’ve had has been I thought I liked or loved someone when I didn’t. So I would go further than I would usually because when I was young enough to assume we would end up together. One guy was 22 and I was 15 once again we did sexual stuff because I thought I liked him. I didn’t know when I was being used by every man apart from my relationship now. He understands me and listens to me when I need help and I love him so much.

I need advice because I’ve been waiting a long time for a councillor. I’ve been diagnosed with depression in the past and I have anxiety now but I feel like there is something more. I have anger isssues inside not really ever fought anyone. Apart from a kick if I was groped or something. I have trust issues. My Nan took me off my mum but I still would to put and see her when she would invite me in.

So it’s a mixture of good but mainly bad. She told me that she told someone else she doesn’t have a daughter just 2 boys. Because I have brothers, she doesn’t know who my dad is and felt embarrassed talking about it. She takes her temper out on me the majority of the time I see her. I’m fidgety I need something to do at all times either smoke or eat I can’t keep still for too long.

The way I was raised was mostly not to express mental health or like when comparing it to my great grandad who had ptsd due to the war. So I tried to not to talk about it apart from a few friends and my boyfriend. I have close friends now I want to tell them about this stuff but I’m worried they won’t understand because I haven’t said anything for so long. I’m just worried if I tell them it will get around somehow.

Now I don’t know if its related but I’ve been kicking in my sleep my boyfriend. Lastly I’m getting to the age now where I’m losing happiness in little things I used to love doing. I have trouble sleeping most nights
hello possible. welcome to the forum. whatever the diagnosis, those are gnarly symptoms to live with and all frequently discussed here alongside potential solutions. nothing works for everybody, so take what works for you and leave the rest. i hope you'll feel safe to hop in on whatever topics resonate with your own needs.

support can make a world of diff in working through all of these challenges. i hope you find steadying support here.

welcome aboard.
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