Wanting to be social again find romanitic partner

I have not taken medication

Diagnosis is CPTSD and grief from NArcissistic abuse

this explains the symptoms

im 38 f and the ocd is bad feeling dirty when with men or when i get triggered in general
freeze flight fawn

Also one ear damage
unsure cause
sound intolerance and i dont speak to i am not triggered

I am gettin gbaptised next tuesday and i am really looking forward to this moment

talk therapy doesnt work for me and feeling erased and an empty shell is still there since 2015

Ive put on so much weight and
I wonder how or if ill ever be with th eman i like
Whether he is narcissisitic also who knows but his cold and doesnt initiate messages we got intimate
and seems i really feel my ocd and triggers are under control with him