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Sufferer Wanting to reconnect with my body, unsure exactly why i’m disconnected.

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Ladygdala

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Hello, I’m new here. I’m 28 years old and here is a bit about how I landed myself into this forum.
I was sent to a trauma specialist after speaking with a psychiatrist about my sexual issues and severe disconnect from my body/emotions/life in general. She stated it was a form of PTSD around some sexual abuse. I’ve never recalled any of my sexual experiences to be abuse, just uncomfortable. It’s hard for me to connect myself with those experiences and do not remember everything (unless there is nothing else to remember.) i feel like an empty shell and cannot place myself in any situation. Just a life force inside a head, floating. I dislike sex, I don’t think I have ever really enjoyed it. It was just something I did to please others and gain closeness and acceptance, it was also something I could only do when I was drunk.
My bf and I of 7 years are unable to have sex because I cry and get panicky. I used to disconnect through it but after the psychiatrist told me about my disconnection problems stemming from sexual abuse. I would hyperventilate, feel overwhelmed and cry. I was diagnosed with social phobia and panic disorder in my late teens but know I had social anxiety since I was very young. I was very hyper aware of possible dangers till I started to dissociate after the panic attacks.
The experiences I had when I was a child do not seem extreme enough for my mind to dissociate or disconnect from my body so much. So I think it was something else. I was also in a few manipulative relationships as well as one of my bf’s got physically abusive after sex, but I had the panic attacks before that so it doesn’t quite match. My full blown panic attacks started after my drug abuse with ecstasy when I was 15. I guess I’m just jotting all this down in hopes to find someone with similar experiences. I have started somatic experiencing with my counselor in hopes to reconnect to my body. 3rd session was on Monday.
Again, I’m just looking to reach out to anybody who has some insight as of right now or similar experiences. Anybody to really talk to about it besides my counselor.
Thank you all! I look forward to reaching out.
 
Hello, I’m new here. I’m 28 years old and here is a bit about how I landed myself into this forum...
I don’t know much at all about somatic experiencing. What do you do for that?

Right now, I feel completely numb and have no energy. I got some bad news today and I was initially upset and then just went numb and could hardly move. Is this a sort of disconnect that your talking about? I have sexual issues too.
 
Yes, the disconnect and numbness. Also feel an empty dark “black hole” feeling inside. Like I’m just a shell.
The somatic experiencing, from what I gather so far from my counselor, is a way to reconnect myself with my body by closing my eyes and focusing on my physical feelings, while she guides me through. Because the distance and disconnect is with my body as well.
Have you been getting treatment for your sexual issues? What have you found so far that helped? Thank you for your reply, I wasn’t sure if I’d get a response!
 
I’m on the same page.. and it’s difficult because I love my boyfriend of 7 years but we cannot make love and I’m bi but now I’m worried that I’m more on the other side. My poor bf has taken that news very well and to deal with my emotions.. I’m still not sure though.. Have you come out yet? Btw, I’m sorry to hear of your bad news, I hope you are expressing yourself well.
 
Being disconnected from your body isn’t a “form” of ptsd. PTSD is a disorder that encompasses a range of symptoms, of which dissociation is one.

This kind of dissociation can indeed be an effect of trauma.

While your experiences are in line with someone who has been sexually abused, it is IMHO incredibly irresponsible for a psychiatrist to tell a patient that he/she has been sexually abused. For example, I have seen other people post similar difficulties about sexuality that stem from invasive medical procedures as a child——most definitely not abuse.

I hope you can wade through all of this to find the truth in it all.

Welcome! :hug:
 
Yes sorry I meant symptom* not form. but yes, I do have symptoms of possible ptsd of sexual abuse but no flashbacks or specific nightmares so it doesn’t make sense. Just random nightmares. I haven’t been able to connect it to any specific memory/trauma. The memories were uncomfortable but nowhere near as intense or devastating as the stories Ive read on here Or other reading material. The psychiatrist whom told me I should seek a specialist in that area of expertise gathered that info from my explanation of symptoms. I have left out a lot of my story for it is long and I like to write lol I hope to figure out what’s going on so that I can start this healing properly. And no I haven’t had any invasive medical procedures either. Counselor and I have just been doing somatic experiencing for now. Thank you for your response!! Any info you have on dissociation I would be so very grateful!!
 
It is a dead end to compare trauma. Age and all sorts effects the impact as well as other factors we don't know. I sounds like a psychiatrist diagnosed you with PTSD. The sexual experiences that you mention happening early and which you don't see as abuse - does your psychiatrist see them as that and what they they are referring to when they mention your sexual abuse? Have you asked them? Are you aware of what consent is and requires? And what isn't consent? And that non consential sex is rape.

Have you looked at the PTSD criteria? It can help bring clarity if you are already diagnosed.

Could any of the panic around sex be to do with your sexual identity and does your pdoc know about this?

Welcome. :)
 
Yes, I was about 3 or 4 and my cousin who was maybe 14 or 15 at the time, showed me his erect penis and I’m not sure if he told me to grab it or if I just grabbed it. I dont recall anything else but how big it was in my hands and hairy. I think because I can’t recall any other information and all my symptoms being so much like ptsd that my therapist thinks maybe I’ve repressed more that I’m not ready to be aware of? Or if that was all that happened. There were more incidents with another cousin, few kids around the block (which I learned can be a normal curious thing for kids to do) and my older brother with showing me their parts and telling me to touch it or put things in areas. I don’t remember them ever touching me though but I get truly grossed out and shameful once I start to think of it because there was family. So that’s where it gets confusing and I don’t feel it’s fair to call it abuse. But I also don’t want to belittle other people’s experiences either.

Social anxiety was a big part of my life my whole childhood so I was an absolute angel til my preteen years when I started having sex. Just about every time I had sex, I didn’t fully want it. It rarely ever felt good and it always hurt. There were many times in my late teens where I’d be blacked out drunk and wake up with just my underwear on and a sore vagina. I’d laugh it off with friends. Also I’d be sleeping and id wake up to a guy having his hands down my pants. I had a drinking problem due to my social anxiety, but first I had a drug problem. Ecstasy pills for about a few months till I was drained of my serotonin. Then I had My first boyfriend, he was manipulative but a troubled boy, ex crackhead. He was raped when he was young and also raped someone else. I was 15 and he was 21 but he was short and childlike. that’s when I started having my panic attacks. I’d have up to 20 in a day and had to quit school, go to therapy and be on medications. I blamed the drugs of course. I turned 18 and got out of that relationship into another whom after a year stripped me down naked and shook me around and threw things at me which I got a bad bruise on my eye from. A restraining order was placed and we broke up. Although I loved him still. That’s when I started going crazy with the drinking every day and getting f*cked without my full knowledge or full intent. Then I finally found my recent bf who didn’t pressure me to have sex and I found comfort in that we’ve been together ever since. But he has shown impatience with me not wanting sex.

My panic could very well be due to my sexual identity but I fear that maybe I’m just so sick of having a man inside me when I don’t fully want it. I dont know why I couldn’t just say no or just not do it. I just thought I was an intense people pleaser. It’s hard for me to pinpoint if I’m actually a full lesbian. And yes, she knows about my questioning my sexuality.

My trauma therapist does see my experiences as a trauma but that I’m also a highly sensitive individual and those other experiences just retraumatized me throughout my teens. I just still unsure about that diagnosing and keep going to get blood work done to see why I’m feeling this way. I just can’t connect to my feelings or body so I don’t feel much about them. I haven’t looked at the ptsd criteria, I shall google that though!
What are your thoughts on this? I’m very grateful you know so much and have taken the time to respond to me! It means a lot!
 
I'm just starting to deal with my sexual abuse issues which happened with my father. I remembered them starting in 2011 yet no T would address them with me. Don't know why. My current T and I are addressing my memories. It's complicated because memories come with many other problems such as mind control and programming by my father. So it's like opening one of those boxes that has the coiled paper worms in them and then you can't get it all back into the box. And then more keep coming out. :arghh;

disconnect and numbness. Also feel an empty dark “black hole” feeling inside. Like I’m just a shell.
Yes, for a long time. I'm using yoga to connect now. It's helping me. The most difficult area for me to connect is my upper body. I found yoga that targets that area and the breath. I actually didn't know it was the right yoga for me until the instructor said it was thoracic. I've had a slew of issues with my heart so, yes, wow, this is what I need.

When a survivor of sexual abuse becomes aware that it has happened to them, they need physical space from having sex. It's normal and healthy to take a break.

The books The Courage to Heal by Ellen Bass and Laura Davis and The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma by Bessel Van Der Kolk, M.D. have both been great resources which helped me immensely with my mind/body connection. Another great book is Trauma and Recovery: The Aftermath of Violence--From Domestic Abuse to Political Terror by Judith Herman. I read it when it first came out in 1992 and kept reading it for years.
 
I'm just starting to deal with my sexual abuse issues which happened with my father. I remembered the...

I just started back up with yoga and I agree! Very useful! I wasn’t aware of yoga for certain body areas. Something I may look into. I do enjoy back bends and planting my feet into the ground. My posture sucks so maybe I’ll look into that.

How did your memories come out? Have you always had them or did they come out little bits at a time? I’m so sorry to hear of your struggles with therapists. I feel I’ve lucked out with mine.

I just finished reading The Courage to Heal, it was intense. So many awful stories I will try those other ones, thank you for recommending those!
 
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