Hi there, I'm new so I'm sorry if I'm not posting in the correct place for this topic, I just scrolled down for assault and used my best guess!
Something happened a few days ago and I'm not sure how I feel about it, what to call it or what to do.
Pre-incident info:
A few months ago, my boyfriend had disclosed that he was showing signs of HPV (bumps on the private area). He said he'd go get checked out and look up home remedies for the symptoms. I'd constantly ask him if it was looking better/if he'd gone to a doctor yet, and he kept saying no. He said he was "too lazy" to do the home remedy. So, we refrained from sexual activity for a while because I required us to use a condom if we were going to do it. We'd had sex a few times since I found out, but it was always with a condom. I did go down on him a few times after a while, and though I was nervous about this, I did fully consent to this. However the terms for having sex were to have a condom on. He knew this because I even refused to have sex one night while we were in bed together, because we didn't have one. I told him "We can run to the store really quickly." And he said he was too tired and we went to sleep.
We had sex a week or so ago, because he had come over with a pack of condoms and I was visibly excited because we both knew that this meant we could now have sex. I put the condom on him, and we began. Sometime during the deed, the condom slipped off and inside me, and my boyfriend claimed "he didn't notice" until he pulled out and came on my back. Then he told me that it's probably because "I didn't put it on right", in response to which I asked him why he didn't fix it if he knew it wasn't on right. I bought the lie that he didn't feel it slip off and that was that.
Now, about a half a year into our relationship (we've been together for almost two years), he asked if he could record me while we were having sex. I said no and that I was uncomfortable with it. He respected that. I had also told him of an incident where someone attempted recording me without asking while we were having sex, and how violated I felt because of it.
Incident:
A few days ago, I woke up to some groping, which was totally fine. I'm okay with sleepy morning love. It's a pretty normal thing for us when we are sexually active. I will say, when he started taking off my underwear I was a bit squirmy and hesitant and I sleepily said "I haven't showered, I feel gross." And he didn't say anything and kept touching/removing my underwear. However, at this point I was not exactly withdrawing consent. I was laying on my stomach, and I was almost sure I heard some sort of noise of a condom being put on. I was still kind of sleepy so I'm not positive. He sat on my butt and started penetrating me and it was kind of dry at first, which is another reason I thought he had put a condom on. I did assume he used a condom regardless because he was aware of my terms of consent.
I was on my stomach this whole time, eyes mainly closed, and I felt that only one hand was grasping my butt. This is not something he ever does, so right away I knew what was happening though I didn't want to believe it..I turned around and he had his phone in his hand, with the camera on, pointed at my butt. As I turned around, he quickly dropped the camera as a clear admission of guilt, knowing that he'd been doing something wrong. He did not mention to me that he was doing this or even ask.
At this point, I put my hand on his chest and nudge him, and I explicitly and clearly say the words "NO. NO. STOP." Firmly and loudly. He technically "stops" by staying firmly inside me but stopping his movement. I continue saying no and stop, and he responds by staying where he is, and explaining that he "wasn't going to do anything with the footage" and he was "going to delete them right after". He didn't budge and at this point I was scared because no and stop didn't seem to work, or he wanted to act "confused" as to what these words meant. So I said the words "Whatever, just finish." and I was clearly extremely upset. I expected that he may have stopped at that point, maybe feel badly that he caused me distress and maybe he wouldn't be able to finish because he knew I was reluctant. Instead, he started being extremely rough so that he could cum, and he went really fast and grabbed my shoulder. When he finished, he pulled out and I felt him finish on my back, and at this point I realized that he didn't have a condom on. I asked him "You didn't wear a condom? Do you even care if I get what you have? You know I want to wear a condom." His response was "How do I know you didn't give it to me?" (This is ridiculous because I had had an STD test prior to sexual contact with him exclusively, and I was negative for HPV. He knows this because I've sent him my results in the past.)
I start crying and roll over and curl up, and as he's about to leave for work, he says "I'm sorry. I'll try to be safer next time. I love you."
I could go on about all the excuses he gave me after the fact, but that would make this a heinously long post. We are no longer together and I've made it clear to him that I feel violated. However I'm not sure if this could be called rape, or if I want to admit to myself that that's what it was.
Something happened a few days ago and I'm not sure how I feel about it, what to call it or what to do.
Pre-incident info:
A few months ago, my boyfriend had disclosed that he was showing signs of HPV (bumps on the private area). He said he'd go get checked out and look up home remedies for the symptoms. I'd constantly ask him if it was looking better/if he'd gone to a doctor yet, and he kept saying no. He said he was "too lazy" to do the home remedy. So, we refrained from sexual activity for a while because I required us to use a condom if we were going to do it. We'd had sex a few times since I found out, but it was always with a condom. I did go down on him a few times after a while, and though I was nervous about this, I did fully consent to this. However the terms for having sex were to have a condom on. He knew this because I even refused to have sex one night while we were in bed together, because we didn't have one. I told him "We can run to the store really quickly." And he said he was too tired and we went to sleep.
We had sex a week or so ago, because he had come over with a pack of condoms and I was visibly excited because we both knew that this meant we could now have sex. I put the condom on him, and we began. Sometime during the deed, the condom slipped off and inside me, and my boyfriend claimed "he didn't notice" until he pulled out and came on my back. Then he told me that it's probably because "I didn't put it on right", in response to which I asked him why he didn't fix it if he knew it wasn't on right. I bought the lie that he didn't feel it slip off and that was that.
Now, about a half a year into our relationship (we've been together for almost two years), he asked if he could record me while we were having sex. I said no and that I was uncomfortable with it. He respected that. I had also told him of an incident where someone attempted recording me without asking while we were having sex, and how violated I felt because of it.
Incident:
A few days ago, I woke up to some groping, which was totally fine. I'm okay with sleepy morning love. It's a pretty normal thing for us when we are sexually active. I will say, when he started taking off my underwear I was a bit squirmy and hesitant and I sleepily said "I haven't showered, I feel gross." And he didn't say anything and kept touching/removing my underwear. However, at this point I was not exactly withdrawing consent. I was laying on my stomach, and I was almost sure I heard some sort of noise of a condom being put on. I was still kind of sleepy so I'm not positive. He sat on my butt and started penetrating me and it was kind of dry at first, which is another reason I thought he had put a condom on. I did assume he used a condom regardless because he was aware of my terms of consent.
I was on my stomach this whole time, eyes mainly closed, and I felt that only one hand was grasping my butt. This is not something he ever does, so right away I knew what was happening though I didn't want to believe it..I turned around and he had his phone in his hand, with the camera on, pointed at my butt. As I turned around, he quickly dropped the camera as a clear admission of guilt, knowing that he'd been doing something wrong. He did not mention to me that he was doing this or even ask.
At this point, I put my hand on his chest and nudge him, and I explicitly and clearly say the words "NO. NO. STOP." Firmly and loudly. He technically "stops" by staying firmly inside me but stopping his movement. I continue saying no and stop, and he responds by staying where he is, and explaining that he "wasn't going to do anything with the footage" and he was "going to delete them right after". He didn't budge and at this point I was scared because no and stop didn't seem to work, or he wanted to act "confused" as to what these words meant. So I said the words "Whatever, just finish." and I was clearly extremely upset. I expected that he may have stopped at that point, maybe feel badly that he caused me distress and maybe he wouldn't be able to finish because he knew I was reluctant. Instead, he started being extremely rough so that he could cum, and he went really fast and grabbed my shoulder. When he finished, he pulled out and I felt him finish on my back, and at this point I realized that he didn't have a condom on. I asked him "You didn't wear a condom? Do you even care if I get what you have? You know I want to wear a condom." His response was "How do I know you didn't give it to me?" (This is ridiculous because I had had an STD test prior to sexual contact with him exclusively, and I was negative for HPV. He knows this because I've sent him my results in the past.)
I start crying and roll over and curl up, and as he's about to leave for work, he says "I'm sorry. I'll try to be safer next time. I love you."
I could go on about all the excuses he gave me after the fact, but that would make this a heinously long post. We are no longer together and I've made it clear to him that I feel violated. However I'm not sure if this could be called rape, or if I want to admit to myself that that's what it was.