Childhood Was i sexually abused?

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Okay, so first off I have no clear memories of the abuse occurring. I actually have what I would consider a fairly excellent memory. I can remember lots of detailed things/moments going back as far as before being potty-trained and learning to be potty-trained. My issue comes in that looking back at my childhood, I see a lot of weird unusual signs that could point to being sexually molested or abused. I don't know where to start..so here I go.

But firts, my question is...should I be seeking answers if something happened? Am I just making a big deal out of nothing? Does this sound like sexual abuse to you? And is it real if I don't have memories/can't remember?

1. Excessive masturbation

I remember stimulating myself all the time. I would never touch my own skin because it felt "dirty" or "wrong", but I would touch myself through my underwear, hump toys/stuffed animals, pillows, or long objects (my mother's twirling batton and pencils between my legs). I would masturbate so much my legs/lower region turned raw. I remember my mom taking me to our neighbor who was a nurse to look at me because she was concerned of the blue/purple coloring I had. I remember her looking at me and thinking I got raw through excessive masturbation, but I don't know if something else could have happened too.

2. Public masturbation

I vividly remember touching myself in the 1st grade. I remember my first-grade teacher calling on me, just looking at me, and saying, "....do you need to go to the bathroom?" I'll never forget knowing I was caught stimulating myself with the pencil between my thighs. I remember the boy sitting next to me seeing it and I remember his face clearly. One day my mom was doing laundry and noticed marks on my pants between the legs. She thought we were piling wet clothes and had mildew on them. The truth was that it was stains of my pencils that I would stimulate myself with in class.

I remember masturbating under the covers while talking to my friends/siblings at sleepovers and in general. Even if we were in the same bed I would still be doing it nonstop.

3. Unusual Child Fantasies & rape fantasies at a young age

I often masturbated to the thought of being abused/dominated/assaulted. I had these memories of touching myself to these sorts of daydreams as early as first grade. The boy that saw me was often included in the fantasies. I would often imagine him and his group of friends finding me in a bathroom stall and gang abusing me. I always imagined my friend's older brothers touching me/dominating me/ hurting me and I wanted them to come around me and do it when I was around them even though they scared me.

I often fantasized being in a diaper when I touched myself. I vividly remember wishing that I could drive or thinking that one day when I can drive that I wanted to go out and buy diapers, wear them, and touch myself in them or use them. I remember thinking that if it was hard to "use them" that I would want to "fake the feeling" of them being used. I had these fantasies in 1st grade. I remember trying to hump the diapers my babydolls had.

4. Other Strange Sexual/Violent Behavior WIth Animals

We had a dog that I always wanted to play with but he was sort of resistant to children. I do remember wanting to play with him while he was eating one time and he bit me on my face. I have a tiny scar from this. I don't know if this occurred before or after the next memory I have.

I remember when the dog came inside and it was hot outside he'd stick out his tongue/pant. There was something sexual in nature to that to me and it aroused me? I remember trying to get my dog to lick my genitals. I even remember when I had access to a computer/yahoo answers around 10 years old asking for help with this. I am not sexually attracted to animals and I have never done anything like that, but I remember this memory.

Then one day the dog was doing the "panting thing" and I was playing with him alone upstairs. I don't know WHY but it suddenly freaked me out and I panicked. I was so emotionally upset that I picked the dog up and threw him on the floor and I broke his leg. This is the only time I've hurt an animal.

6....ALL with little knowledge about sex

I grew up with very little knowledge of sex but still had these sexual fantasies and unusual behavior with touching myself. My parents never gave me the talk. I didn't learn what a "penis" was until the Michael Jackson trial was on the news and I heard it mentioned and asked my mom what that was. I didn't know what masturbation was, but I did it. I remember I first realized I was doing that when I saw the 1st transformers movie and the word was mentioned. I didn't know how sex worked. I finally learned about penetration/the word for vagina/etc in my health education class in middle school (age 11 or 12).

When I finally found out about sex I got so immediately hooked on it. I thought about it all the time and started looking up more information online. I got swept into porn and struggled reading /eventually watching gifs of it for years. I often got sexually aroused reading stories about sexual abuse, sex between an adult and a minor, or even incestuous sexual relationships.

7. More Strange Childhood Behavior/Emotional Regulation/ Occurrences

I have a few memories but have also heard my mom talk about this. She said that I was the only child she'd see that would react so violently/upset that I would get so overwhelmed that my eyes would roll in the back of my head and I would pass out. I remember having a violent episode one time when one of the neighbor's brothers were around ( I don't remember which one). Ever since I was a child I have had issues with emotional outbursts/upsetting others with my strong explosive feelings.

I've struggled with fear/anxiety most all of my life. I remember even in elementary school being fearful walking down the halls and always scared to talk and make new friends. I was okay around boys my age (with typical cooties involved) but always scared/excited by boys older than me like my neighbor's brothers...

8. Fear of Men / Brothers

I had two neighbors that both had my friend and then their older brothers. I was always sort of nervous/scared and expecting them to touch me when I was around them..but yet they were apart of my sexual fantasies. I often even wanted them to come up and touch me sexually/dominate me when I was around them even though I was scared. One day I asked my mom if she had concerns about my grandmother's boyfriend (who might have molested my younger sister) when I was young. She said she never did, but that she was always concerned about me going to friend's houses that had older brothers.

In general, I've been very on guard around men my entire life. I always felt uncomfortable around them and like they were going to hurt me or assault me. When I worked a part-time job and saw men walk in while I was working alone I would immediately get very nervous/anxious/fearful. I did not grow up with brothers so I never grew up getting comfortable around men, but I've always been afraid of them going to assault me or hurt me.

I vividly remember my parents having to take me out of the country club's swim lessons because the coach was an old man and I was supposed to swim into his arms. I was so terrified and I remember having an extremely upsetting reaction to this. My parents immediately pulled me out and got my neighbor who was the nurse's eldest daughter to teach me how to swim in their backyard pool.

For as long as I can remember I have been very fearful of male doctors/healthcare providers. I have hated the dentist with a passion and been very uncomfortable with it my entire life. I remember having to see a male doctor and refused to sit so he could look at me. I wouldn't do it I threw fits. My mom eventually had to find a female pediatrician just because I refused to be looked at by a male. I'm still uncomfortable with male professionals to this day.

Very uncomfortable with being alone with men in general.

9. Adolescent and up/ Issues

Constantly focused on sex, reading pornography, sexualizing things. Leaving activities to go masturbate. Continued sexual fantasies of being dominated/inappropriate relationships. Romanticizing relationships etc. Super uncomfortable with my body changing.

ALWAYS wearing baggy clothes. Eating disorder issues. Depression. Anxiety. Sublimation/Dissociation through writing/imagination fantasy. I often identify with victims of abuse and write characters who have experienced abuse.

I have trouble with all of this still.

10. Young Adult Sexuality


I had a pattern of not standing up for myself against men I dated. My first kiss happened because I was in a guy's back of his car and I couldn't tell him no. I don't know why I JUST COULDN'T say anything. I immediately backed away after the kiss happened and he took me home.

My next real date encounter the guy wanted to take me back to his house. I felt nervous but I just couldn't say no. I went in and we talked and laid on his bed for a while. When he tried to kiss me, this time I said no. Finally. I got some courage after the first time I was kissed against my wishes.

The, I started my first serious and sexual relationship when I was in my sophomore year of college.

I always felt pressured/coerced to do sexual things starting out. I always felt like I couldn't say no and I would do whatever. I was both excited and ashamed/guilty of this. Sometimes I didn't want to do things but I did them anyway because I just had to and I couldn't turn it down/stop it.

The first time I had oral sex performed on me I freaked out and felt sexually abused. I felt like I didn't want it to happen. I enjoyed it sexually, but emotionally/mentally I hurt so bad. I had a big fight about this with him. It was confusing because he thought I wanted to do it. I thought maybe I wanted to or maybe I didn't. I don't know if I did or not even now but I just couldn't stop it so I went through with it.

To this day, I find the most sexual satisfaction in being dominated/hit/demeaned during sex. I find the most sexual satisfaction in having another male touch me and it's the only way I can orgasm. I have never made myself orgasm, even after excessive masturbation for years and pornography use. Only another male touching me can do it. I had some sort of orgasm block with my partner before I was ever able to orgasm ( even if he touched me though).

Conclusion
How do I know if something actually happened to me? Is there any way to open memories? I'm confused and disturbed and I just want answers.

Last thing I forgot, I also remember having a memory when I was still in diapers. I remember being in a daycare and I soiled myself. I clearly remember one of the workers picking me up and having to change me. I remember thinking that that person wasn't my mom or dad.

I also wanted to mention that I've always had an issue with control and needing to be in control. I'm startled easily and get panicky/anxiety. Sexually with my partner, I was very closed off/rigid and not wanting to open up/lose control. I have just finally started to get better with this through ongoing and positive sexual relationship.

Sorry, I wish there was an edit button so I could add on.
Is there an "edit button"?

I remember also experiencing some regression around 1st grade as well. I can vividly remember not wanting to go by my "real name" at school and wanted my more childish nickname to be used. I refused to be called my real name for a while and it upset me when my parents encouraged me to finally try my actual name in school. I remember being very jealous of my younger siblings and I wanted to be younger/a baby like them. I remember acting more childish/talking way more immature even though I had the ability to go further. I remember bed wetting two or so times and waking up thinking that was weird because I was too old for that.

I remember reading children's books up until 3rd and 4th grade that I always read instead of moving on to the more complex stories my similar aged siblings would read.
 
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Fadeaway

MyPTSD Pro
This is not something we could even begin to answer here. The only appropriate place for you to discuss this at this point is with a therapist. The information provided in your 2nd and 3rd posts are normal, but your first post? I would say calls for it to be explored in therapy as soon as possible.

Any suggestions one way or another about possible sexual abuse would be very inappropriate, so I am sorry that you won't get the answers you are looking for, but you will find caring and empathy about the distress this is causing you.
 

Scarlet13

MyPTSD Pro
I agree that a therapist could really help.
It sounds like the issues that can be addressed are the anxiety/fear/intimacy issues.
How are you now?
How are you functioning now?
Chances are, addressing issues and building skills may trigger some memories.
Perhaps you could also process the guilt/shame feeling of excessive masturbation.
Children masturbating is normal. The pencils and penetration may indicate exposure to sex in terms of seeing something or molestation.
Your regression stories sound normal.
Regression from child sa would be like a completely potty trained kid suddenly having a lot of accidents and issues (not bed wetting which is normal).
A therapist can help you explore and even if you don't know you have plenty of issues you can get help with in the present.
 

EveHarrington

MyPTSD Pro
There is no way to know for sure until your mind decides to open up and let you remember what possibly happened to you.

There is no safe way to get your mind to release memories. It is NOT something you want to mess with as flooding can literally ruin your life to the point of non-functioning (ie no job, no school, etc) and hospitalization. Really, don’t even try to jar those memories. It’s not worth the risk.
 
Thank you everyone who has responded. It means a lot to me that people are out there that will listen and reply. I've been trying to get into contact with a therapist for a few months. I've been gradually getting this instinctive feeling since this past fall. I am hoping that I can be placed with a counselor this month to discuss some things.

Right now I am doing a lot better than I was before but I still struggle with some things that are hard to get rid of. I have a very strong relationship based on trust and have gotten better though that, but I still struggle with anxiety, poor self-image, feeling self-conscious (wearing nonbaggy clothes is very difficult), disordered eating tendencies (I've improved on this recently at least), and just a general feeling that something is wrong or something was wrong.

I think I will try to confuse on moving forward and hopefully in therapy. I would like to focus on the present and try and let my body decides when its time to open up new things. I've been very shaken up all day after opening up about this for the first time (some out loud to my partner) and what I have written here. I have been feeling very anxious/worried/fearful all day. I don't know if I am psyching myself out or if I just cannot shake these feelings for some other reason. I'm going to stay aware and mindful of my body/emotions since I know those are important, but I don't think I will push myself beyond what I can safely handle right now.

I just want the severe anxiety to stop. It's been constant all day.
 

littleoc

Sponsor
It's hard to say one way or the other. I have been told that excessive masturbation can happen in neglected kids -- at least that's what my therapist told me -- but it doesn't always look like that. I'm afraid to say one way or the other, because I don't want to cause any harm. I can't know.

But my opinion is that it would be a good idea to see a psychologist. I'm like you -- having vivid memories of childhood (my first memory is from when I was 9 months old) -- and I still benefited from treatments such as EMDR. EMDR was great because it showed me the roots of issues that were sometimes very surprising. Sometimes it was a more mild root than expected, and just needed to be processed. Other times it was difficult and took some real work on my part.

For anxiety, I recommend taking a few deep breaths. Using the second hand on a clock, breath in for seven seconds, pause for two seconds, and exhale for five seconds. You can just count the seconds without a clock if that's better for you. Just make sure it's slow, and make sure you can feel your chest rise and fall. Count tiles or other types of objects while you do it. Engaging the frontal lobe like that can help you calm down. It takes a little practice, but it really helps :)

Good luck

Well, two more things:

(1) Very young people often don't remember things the same way as they will as adults. For example, you probably don't remember learning how to talk -- yet you do know how to talk (in some way). However, this doesn't confirm nor deny anything by itself.

(2) If typing this all out is frightening you very much, then I think finding a psychologist would be best for you. Before you get into this, it would be safe to be sure you have learned how to cope with axienty and other natural reactions. The first step in this would be reminding yourself that you are safe right now. Right now, it's some time of day in some type weather and you are perfectly safe.

A part of you may need some time to determine the difference between now and what's in your head. Don't worry, it happens to most people at some point in their lives. Practice that, and you'll be one step ahead :)
 
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Congruency

Policy Enforcement
Regression from child sa...
Regression could also show up as reverting to other younger child behaviors such as clinging, thumb sucking, baby talk, etc. after having stopped these behaviors. I exhibited all of these behaviors after witnessing two murders at three years old. As well I started to masturbate at three. Although not abnormal, mine was excessive and nearly constant. As I grew older I masturbated in public and in private or with a friend using all kinds of "tools" to achieve orgasms at a very early age, well before puberty. I frequently got removed from friends' houses because of my excessive masturbation using pillows and bolsters.

I too had zero memories of sexual abuse, except for some by my brother which I had always remembered and didn't involve penetration. It wasn't until years after being in therapy (I started in 1988) and after my mother died in 2010 that I started to have the feeling that something occurred in the shower with a tall man. I would have sensations that something happened. I had one nightmare about being in the shower with this tall man. No flashbacks at first. Two years later the memories of my father's sexual assaults in the shower started to emerge. They came in flashbacks while I was taking a shower. And then I remembered more places where I was assaulted.

There is no safe way to get your mind to release memories. It is NOT something you want to mess with as flooding can literally ruin your life to the point of non-functioning
Believe me you don't want flooding of memories. This happened to me two different times. The first time I tried to push the timeline because I wanted to figure out why I got triggered by seeing water in the bottom of a boat.

The second time I was triggered by my mother's death in 2010. In no way did I push the timeline the second time. Getting triggered by her death caused the flooding of memories. For the second time in my life, I became totally dysfunctional, withdrawing from my world around me. I'm still recovering from the after effects of her death and the flooding of memories and other deaths I've experienced and got triggered by since then.
 
As others have said there's no way anyone can say, but I would add there's nothing that screams sexual abuse. Many if not all of these issues are present if many forms of generalised anxiety/depression along with typical childhood exploration. Which of course means nothing unless you have conversations with a therapist, but I wouldn't necessarily go in with a mindset of looking for abuse, therapists generally don't really respond to that as it seems like a preconception
 
I ended up asking a trustworthy relative of mine if they ever saw any alarming interaction between me and others (and a few specific people). For the most part they said they didn't have any distinct memories. This did help me feel a little better, but I still question having violent/sexual fantasies at such a young age. It doesn't make any sense to me.

I do know that one of my uncles exposed his children to pornography at very young ages. One of those kids even molested one of their own family members. I know for a fact one of my siblings (I may have been present but I am not 100% sure) was exposed to pornography on television at their house.

I think maybe I might have been exposed to such highly sexualized content and that could somewhat begin to explain the fantasies in spite of the lack of sexual knowledge. Still trying to figure things out and still working on finding a counselor.
 
I ended up asking a trustworthy relative of mine if they ever saw any alarming interaction bet...

I was thinking more about this and I remember when I first discovered pornographic material I was intensely interested/obsessed..but I had a very serious aversion and extreme disgust to seeing actual pornography. I did not view pornographic material with actual real human bodies until I was around 18 or 19 years old because every time I'd see it I would be beyond disturbed. I would read sexually graphic comics/drawings and sexually explicit stories only. Something about real bodies was extremely offputting to me and made me very very very uncomfortable. I don't know if it was just the nature of pornography in general (and viewing it for the first time) or if there could be more to it or not.
 
Why would your uncle do that?

I dont know. He and many of my family relatives are messed up. Most if not all struggle with some sort of sexual addiction or sexual problems. They were all emotionally and physically abused as children...so I guess he thought it was okay for his kids or something.
 
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