Sexual Assault Was it my fault?



I would like to tell my story. I am facing so many questions, but no one to talk to about it. I had invited a friend over and we started drinking. I trusted this person wholeheartedly and he was my best friend. I was in the safety of my own home and drinking with someone I felt safe with. I blacked out and woke up in the morning hurting. The last thing I remembered was sitting on the couch and then waking up in my bedroom. He very much later told me that we had sex and I have never felt so gross in my own skin before. I didn't know if it was rape and confided in my other best friend with who we shared this common friend. She told me it was my fault for putting myself into that situation. That I had invited him over and decided to drink with him. That it was my fault for not seeing that this person had feelings for me or seeing the way he looked at me. That I had cheated on my partner and needed to own up to my actions. I have no idea what happened that night but I'm starting to think she's right.


What DharmaGirl said. And also...

The absence of no does not mean yes. Consent needs to be clear, coherent, willing, and ongoing.

There is no such thing as consensual sex or non-consensual sex. There is sex, or there is rape. Rape is not a type of sex. You wouldn't say breathing swimming or non-breathing swimming. You say swimming or drowning.

Also if he says it was a mistake... it was not a mistake. It was rape.

It was rape, and it was not your fault.

If someone doesn't give you the basic dignity of believing you after you've been horribly harmed, then that's on them, and they are not worthy of you.


I have no idea If you raped your friend, taking advantage of his being too drunk to consent... or if he raped you, since you were too drunk to consent... or if both of you were enthusiastically consenting, but since you blacked out you don’t remember.

I wasn’t there.

And you were blacked out and don’t remember.

So there’s no way on earth I could even begin to judge either of you guilty, at fault, or to blame. Maybe one of you is guilty of rape, maybe neither of you are.

What I DO know is that you’re profoundly distressed by what happened. Which rates seeing someone to work through it, with. Someone who can be your ally, whose only interest is in what’s best for you, and can help you get to where you want to be.

The links in the following thread can be quite helpful in finding those resources. >>> Sexual Assault - Are you wondering if you were raped? read this first.