Childhood Was my Grandfather a Pedophile

Alien

New Here
I know this may be an odd question but I am truly stumped. I lived with my grandma and grandfather for a while when I was younger with my single mother. My Grandfather found it to be his responsibility to explain the birds and bees to me in graphic detail when I was 11 years old. He told me not to tell others that we had the talk and he felt I needed someone to teach me. He also would make sexual jokes towards me, my mother and many women and young girls around him.

As a very young girl I was not allowed to be alone with him, my mom and grandmother would whisper about him doing bad things. I never fully understood what they were talking about until I was older. My grandfather attempted to rape my mother when she was about 12 years old. My uncle pulled him off.

Still when I wrecked my bike it was my grandfather that held me down lifted my shirt and put a healing ointment on me with his fingers across my bare developing chest. This was done in front of my whole family. I was mortified, scared and ran upstairs crying. Finally when I was 13 years old my grandfather tried to touch me in my private parts. I pushed his away and it was a struggle.

So would my grandfather be a pedophile? Would I have been his victim? I am an adult woman in her 50s and somewhat educated so I don't know why maybe I am perplexed about this. I think it may be because deep down I probably know the answer. To make matters worse I was always considered his favorite grandchild.
 

ladee

MyPTSD Pro
You do have your own answer. He made you uncomfortable and said and did things that were very inappropriate. You have the knowledge of his attempt of rape on your mother. Healthy grandfathers would never even think these things much less act on them.

I'm sorry that he left that scar of memories for you instead of him swinging you on a swing at the park. I'm sorry he hurt you.
 

Movingforward10

MyPTSD Pro
Hi @Alien , welcome and sorry this happened to you.

You do have your own answer (which is the only person's answer that matters).

I totally understand the question to us. It took me many decades to believe myself and trust myself, given the confusing nature of childhood sexual abuse, and the decades of blocking it out, minimising and self doubt.
 

Whirlwind

MyPTSD Pro
I am an adult woman in her 50s and somewhat educated so I don't know why maybe I am perplexed about this.

You aren't alone. My therapist used to say it was not uncommon for "awakenings" to happen mid life, he said that you reach a place of less distractions (no young kids etc) and finally are in a place to deal with trauma. He always said the brain is smart and protects us from what we aren't ready to handle.

I liked that take vs "how dumb am I to be this old!" But I'm not dumb so to speak nor are you.

Trauma events; I look back and cannot believe I didn't get them viscerally for the nightmare they were! It was compartmentalization, early dissociation etc many things I did know but was totally disconnected from emotionally so they didn't seem so "bad".

Later with therapy etc. I would be walking down the street or something random and an event from the past would hit me in blazing color and emotion and I would realize what the heck! That was brutal!

In the moment it sucked but it was good I was reprocessing and dealing with the reality. Today they are "in color" and I can pull them out and look at them so to speak but they are part of my history and don't carry the punch anymore. It is woven into my life experience today but it is on page 11 and no longer a headline.

Hope something helps and take care,

Whirlwind
 
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