J
jjcc22
I (29F) was in a 2 year long relationship from 15-17 with a guy who was 20 when I first met him. This was a sexual relationship that was emotionally abusive and later became physically abusive (leading to bodily harm). Due to the fact that I was a minor, this relationship feels like it was also sexually abusive, however I am having a hard time acknowledging this as 'sexual abuse', as I did consent to it and I've had mental health professionals say he was 'still a young guy' or 'you made the choice to be in this relationship'.
I mostly feel numbness and indifference to what happened. However, I struggle to have sexual intercourse without feelings of deep shame. I kept this relationship from my parents and would often feel deep anxiety of 'being caught' and a feeling of being 'dirty' when having sex with this person and now I struggle to have intercourse without reexperiencing these emotions. I've been told from previous partners that I am not very presernt during sex and I feel this is because I honestly just feel numbness, rather than enjoyment and I sometimes have to exert myself to block out memories from resurfacing.
After this relationship, I soon entered a 8 year relationship (17-26) with a wonderful guy who was quite a ‘saviour’ to me. I was genuinely happy in our relationship and completely pushed the previous relationship out of my mind for 8 years, basically eliminating any belief that what happened was real. These 8 years were the most stable and happy I have ever been in my life and I accomplished so much. Unfortunately since we broke up 5 years ago, I've continually experienced powerful and persistent feelings of worthlessness, hopelessness and a paralysing fatigue that I cannot pinpoint the cause of. I have also entered another abusive relationship and attracted a number of malignant male characters into my life, rather than good men like my ex boyfriend of 8 years. After the break up of my 8 year relationship, I was hospitalised and treated for major depression and I've gone through extensive therapy without going into detail disclosing the tumultuous relationship from my adolescence, but I am unsure if maybe this is the cause of the persistent symptoms that SSNRIs and therapy aren't able to effectively treat.
Would you consider this incident child sexual abuse or am I maybe overreacting?
I mostly feel numbness and indifference to what happened. However, I struggle to have sexual intercourse without feelings of deep shame. I kept this relationship from my parents and would often feel deep anxiety of 'being caught' and a feeling of being 'dirty' when having sex with this person and now I struggle to have intercourse without reexperiencing these emotions. I've been told from previous partners that I am not very presernt during sex and I feel this is because I honestly just feel numbness, rather than enjoyment and I sometimes have to exert myself to block out memories from resurfacing.
After this relationship, I soon entered a 8 year relationship (17-26) with a wonderful guy who was quite a ‘saviour’ to me. I was genuinely happy in our relationship and completely pushed the previous relationship out of my mind for 8 years, basically eliminating any belief that what happened was real. These 8 years were the most stable and happy I have ever been in my life and I accomplished so much. Unfortunately since we broke up 5 years ago, I've continually experienced powerful and persistent feelings of worthlessness, hopelessness and a paralysing fatigue that I cannot pinpoint the cause of. I have also entered another abusive relationship and attracted a number of malignant male characters into my life, rather than good men like my ex boyfriend of 8 years. After the break up of my 8 year relationship, I was hospitalised and treated for major depression and I've gone through extensive therapy without going into detail disclosing the tumultuous relationship from my adolescence, but I am unsure if maybe this is the cause of the persistent symptoms that SSNRIs and therapy aren't able to effectively treat.
Would you consider this incident child sexual abuse or am I maybe overreacting?