Childhood Was this abuse ?

When I was little I remember my family being very sexually open. What I mean is, my mom would watch porn and look at lewd pictures with my older brother, my older brother would look at porn with my older sister (and it later came out that he sexually assaulted her too, he would bribe her by saying he wouldn’t let her hold me when I was a baby unless he could see and touch her down there, i was maybe around 1 or 2) and then my older sister taught me about porn and masturbation when I was around 8-9. My mom also had naked polaroids of me in our family album, my legs were spread and I was crying heavily in the picture. My mom had these home videos of her having sex and undressing for the camera, which she also watched with my older brother. My mom always talked about sex too, and always had different guys around, usually younger than her. Anyways, my mom caught me masturbating one day and started yelling at me and asking me who taught me that, I lied and said it was friends at school that taught me because I didn’t want my sister to be mad that I told on her. My mom, my sister and my brother then started yelling about how nasty I was and laughing at me. Now I struggle with a porn addiction. I guess I just developed it from watching it all those times, I just feel confused, I liked watching porn so much, but I don’t know….was any of this abuse? I think about it and just feel so weird and alone
 

Muttly

MyPTSD Pro
In a way, it doesn't matter if it was abuse or not. It was harmful to you and that's what matters. Processing through that harm is what will put you on the path to healing.

A therapist would best help you sort out what parts of your experience were abusive. It was clearly unhealthy and damaging. I can relate to growing up in a home where there were no healthy boundaries around sex and parental relationships were sexualized. It's very confusing. I've struggled with my relationship to porn as well. It's hard but you can get through this.
 

NoWhereKnowWhere

MyPTSD Pro
Yes that is child sexual abuse. I obviously don’t know about the “legal” definition where ever it is you are from. The in the uk what you’ve described is in the legal definition.

“Non-contact abuse is where a child is abused without being touched by the abuser. This can be in person or online and includes:

  • exposing or flashing
  • showing pornography
  • exposing a child to sexual acts
  • making them masturbate
  • forcing a child to make, view or share child abuse images or videos
  • making, viewing or distributing child abuse images or videos
  • forcing a child to take part in sexual activities or conversations online or through a smartphone.”

Source: NSPCC
 
Last edited by a moderator:
Top