Childhood Was this COCSA?

hughfancy

New Here
Hello, I was AFAB (assigned female at birth).

When I was in elementary school (first grade) there was this girl, about my age (5 or 6). She befriended me and was nice and whatnot. Then one day, she said we should "play a game, where she was the mom and I was the dad," and then subsequently took me behind a dumpster. She proceeded to show me things to do to her, and I did. I had no idea what it was, but I liked it and still thought it was a game. So I continued. (note: no penetration was involved, it was kissing in different places on the body, fondling.)

And then it became a frequent thing at school. It happened behind buildings, dumpsters, and in bathrooms. We always snuck around, trying to hide from teachers. I felt guilty every time we did it, but as I said, I liked it, so I sometimes initiated it too.

Then one day, it stopped. She ignored me, and never talked to me again. And I felt betrayed, abandoned.

I felt dirty and ugly, and hated myself for doing those things, for letting those things be done to me.

From that point forward I had a fascination for sex in TV and movies. I indulged in it up until I turned 11, when I was exposed to animated pornographic material on the internet, then explicit fanfiction, and so forth.

Whenever I think about what happened when I was a kid, I can't breathe. Sometimes I think I'm overreacting because "kids are kids" or whatever, but that feeling of betrayal and abandonment has never gone away.

Now I have trouble with intimacy...I don't want to kiss, or be close to someone I'm attracted to. I don't want them to touch me.

I wanted to ask, was this abuse? I really don't know.

Thanks.
 

Friday

Moderator
I wanted to ask, was this abuse? I really don't know.
Maybe. Maybe not.

Most kids experiment sexually with peers/siblings. Totally normal / not abusive behavior, just the way healthy active kids’ brains work.

Some kids? Are acting out their own abuse on others (COCSA) or what’s experimentation for one kid is abuse for another (COCSA).

It really doesn’t matter in the grand scheme of things... because when is something a problem? When it’s a problem. That simple. So if it is or has been a problem for you? It’s a problem for you. Which rates dealing with it. Regardless of the source.

You may also find this link useful >>> Sexual Assault - Are you wondering if you were raped? read this first.
 

hughfancy

New Here
Maybe. Maybe not.

Most kids experiment sexually with peers/siblings. Totally normal / not abusive behavior, just the way healthy active kids’ brains work.

Some kids? Are acting out their own abuse on others (COCSA) or what’s experimentation for one kid is abuse for another (COCSA).

It really doesn’t matter in the grand scheme of things... because when is something a problem? When it’s a problem. That simple. So if it is or has been a problem for you? It’s a problem for you. Which rates dealing with it. Regardless of the source.

You may also find this link useful >>> Sexual Assault - Are you wondering if you were raped? read this first.
Thank you for your words. It has been a great problem for me. I know I have trauma from it, as even now I want to cry thinking about it. I was just wondering because I felt if I could not label "why" I have trauma (like abuse etc), then my trauma isn't valid. Basically trying to sort out everything is confusing.
 
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