Childhood Was this COCSA?

hughfancy

New Here
Hello, I was AFAB (assigned female at birth).

When I was in elementary school (first grade) there was this girl, about my age (5 or 6). She befriended me and was nice and whatnot. Then one day, she said we should "play a game, where she was the mom and I was the dad," and then subsequently took me behind a dumpster. She proceeded to show me things to do to her, and I did. I had no idea what it was, but I liked it and still thought it was a game. So I continued. (note: no penetration was involved, it was kissing in different places on the body, fondling.)

And then it became a frequent thing at school. It happened behind buildings, dumpsters, and in bathrooms. We always snuck around, trying to hide from teachers. I felt guilty every time we did it, but as I said, I liked it, so I sometimes initiated it too.

Then one day, it stopped. She ignored me, and never talked to me again. And I felt betrayed, abandoned.

I felt dirty and ugly, and hated myself for doing those things, for letting those things be done to me.

From that point forward I had a fascination for sex in TV and movies. I indulged in it up until I turned 11, when I was exposed to animated pornographic material on the internet, then explicit fanfiction, and so forth.

Whenever I think about what happened when I was a kid, I can't breathe. Sometimes I think I'm overreacting because "kids are kids" or whatever, but that feeling of betrayal and abandonment has never gone away.

Now I have trouble with intimacy...I don't want to kiss, or be close to someone I'm attracted to. I don't want them to touch me.

I wanted to ask, was this abuse? I really don't know.

Thanks.
 

Friday

Moderator
I wanted to ask, was this abuse? I really don't know.
Maybe. Maybe not.

Most kids experiment sexually with peers/siblings. Totally normal / not abusive behavior, just the way healthy active kids’ brains work.

Some kids? Are acting out their own abuse on others (COCSA) or what’s experimentation for one kid is abuse for another (COCSA).

It really doesn’t matter in the grand scheme of things... because when is something a problem? When it’s a problem. That simple. So if it is or has been a problem for you? It’s a problem for you. Which rates dealing with it. Regardless of the source.

You may also find this link useful >>> Sexual Assault - Are you wondering if you were raped? read this first.
 

hughfancy

New Here
Maybe. Maybe not.

Most kids experiment sexually with peers/siblings. Totally normal / not abusive behavior, just the way healthy active kids’ brains work.

Some kids? Are acting out their own abuse on others (COCSA) or what’s experimentation for one kid is abuse for another (COCSA).

It really doesn’t matter in the grand scheme of things... because when is something a problem? When it’s a problem. That simple. So if it is or has been a problem for you? It’s a problem for you. Which rates dealing with it. Regardless of the source.

You may also find this link useful >>> Sexual Assault - Are you wondering if you were raped? read this first.
Thank you for your words. It has been a great problem for me. I know I have trauma from it, as even now I want to cry thinking about it. I was just wondering because I felt if I could not label "why" I have trauma (like abuse etc), then my trauma isn't valid. Basically trying to sort out everything is confusing.
 
S

ScaredButNotAlone

Thank you for your words. It has been a great problem for me. I know I have trauma from it, as even now I want to cry thinking about it. I was just wondering because I felt if I could not label "why" I have trauma (like abuse etc), then my trauma isn't valid. Basically trying to sort out everything is confusing.
Hi. I had a very very similar experience to you including the ghosting and abandonment. I have blocked it out for many years but recently I can't stop thinking about it and wondering if it was abuse or not.I am considering it abuse because if that was happening to my daughter I would do everything I could to make it stop so she wouldn't have to feel this way right now.

I am in therapy but too scared to bring it up out of fear that there is no label for it and my trauma wouldn't be valid. I am scared to say it out loud out of fear of judgement. Thinking about it makes me feel dirty. I am only now realizing that it has had lifelong affects on all my friendships/relationships.

Thank you so much for telling your story. It has made me feel less alone. Writing this is the first time i've ever admitted that something happened.

I don't know what to do from here and admitting it makes it all real and makes me feel worse. I wish I could go back to forgetting.
 

Crying Lady

New Here
I have had a similar experience I was either 5 or 4 when it first started. I don't remember what happened but I was in class and had like an accident or something like that and my teacher got this classmate to help me change into a diaper in the bathroom. Once we were alone she asked for my name and rubbed herself onto me, I had no idea what was going on. Another incident I was playing at my grandmother's house and this neighborhood girl did the same thing but I felt disgusted.

It's affected me some type of way throughout the years because I cannot forget about it and it makes me angry. When I finally have the courage to tell people these stories which I never do they because it's hard for me to talk about even with my therapist, they always brush it off as "normal" or "child experimentation" but is it really normal if it traumatizes you? it pisses me off to no end.
 

Sideways

Moderator
it really normal if it traumatizes you? it pisses me off to no end.
I have a simple phobia of a particular type of spiders.

My reaction, my emotional response to seeing them, isn't 'normal'. But that doesn't change how real the distress is for me.

I think it's helpful to deal with trauma based on how the incident affected you, rather than whether it was normal. It doesn't need to have been abnormal for your distress and suffering to be valid, and worth healing from.
 

DharmaGirl

MyPTSD Pro
I'm beginning to think that when you are wondering if something can be trauma, the memory is the tip of the iceberg. It's a safe way for your brain to deal with the trauma without damaging you so much you can't function. I didn't remember or think about any trauma until I was triggered at the age of 52. It all came back at once and I had a mental breakdown. That was 10 years ago and I'm still not working. You don't want that.

I think a good idea would be to explore this with a therapist. They won't tell you it's not worthy of being called trauma. (Meaning that I think you are worried about that, not that I am making a judgement. Like I said, I believe what you can remember in the light of common day is just the tip) If there is deeper stuff there, it might take a while to dredge up. I think it is pretty normal for someone with PTSD to doubt their trauma. I know I did, and still do sometimes. I was lucky (?) enough to have a brother with PTSD who could corroborate my memories.
 
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