J
justasimplecat
Hello I’m new here.
I’m here to ask this because I genuinely don’t know. Apologies that this will be long.
I’m 23 and a few years ago when I was a teenager, I was in an INCREDIBLY abusive relationship. It only lasted a few months and I did break up with him, but in those few short months, the things he did to me have left me with a lot of trauma. A lot of emotional, physical, mental, verbal and sexual abuse. Just all of it. :(
For a little more context and so you can hopefully understand my story a little more, I’m a transgender man (female to male), and I am gay; I currently have a wonderful, supportive husband. (Note: I’m not interested in people’s personal issues or opinions or whatever about either of these facts, so please don’t bother going there in the replies. These facts however, are relevant to a part of the story.)
Anyway: I was in this abusive relationship, and he did rape me. This was proven to the police, and in a court of law. Obviously at first he denied it but then later confessed, and after a horrible and long ordeal, he was finally put in prison. However, there was an incident mere DAYS before the one which got him imprisoned...
I don’t know whether it was rape or not.
He had two best friends; one of whom was also his cousin. They weren’t particularly nice people either. On this particular occasion, my then-boyfriend had these two friends over at the same time as me. We were all playing video games together. But the three of them kept making sexual comments, whispering to each other and laughing. Something about it all made me very uncomfortable, and I kept wishing they would leave. At one point, I went to the bathroom, and when I came back, they were all standing up and the TV and console has been switched off. My then-boyfriend was laying a towel down on his bed. I figured his friends were now leaving.
My then-boyfriend held his arms out to me and pulled me against him to kiss me. Again, I was pretty uncomfortable doing this in front of his friends, so I gently pushed him away. But he pulled me back and kept kissing me and his hands were wandering.
Again, got uncomfortable in front of his friends, and asked him if they were leaving now, and he laughed and said no, we were going to “put on a little show”?
I turned around and at this point, his friends were now sitting down...touching themselves!? Obviously I got even MORE uncomfortable and told my then-boyfriend I wanted to be alone, just me and him. But he said no, it’s rude to ask his friends to go home, and besides I “needed to prove my trust in him”. I said “well what about you proving your loyalty to me?” (He had cheated on me - a one off as far as I know, and had somehow manipulated me into giving him a second chance even though I had dumped him after finding out. He was VERY good at messing with my head.). He said “this will prove it. This is something I would only ever do with someone special.” And I had no idea what he was talking about.
The next thing I remember, was his friends starting to grope me all over. I had recently had my top surgery (double mastectomy), and one of them said to my then-boyfriend “I thought you said he was trans? Where are his t**s?” And my then-boyfriend said “oh he had that surgery already.” Then that same friend went “ugh where’s the fun in that?! Oh well. We’ll have to make do with what’s there.” At that point my then-boyfriend told them I hadn’t had my ‘other surgery’ yet. I freaked out at this point and said to his friends “I’m not here for anyone’s ‘fun’. I’m *insert name here*’s boyfriend; not yours!” They laughed. My then-boyfriend then took over and pushed me back on the bed... The next thing I know, all three of them are on me from all angles! I couldn’t get up and I said I don’t want to, but they didn’t listen to me. My then-boyfriend told them it’s fine and to go ahead. He doesn’t mind! I said “well I mind!” But again nobody listened to me.
Then they took it in turns to have sex with me. I tried to get up but they would keep just pushing me back down again. They were all pretty muscular and masculine guys and I had trouble pushing them off me. But I didn’t shout or scream or fight. I did try to get away but they would just drag me back in place and carry on like I was a rag doll... Eventually I just stopped. I couldn’t do anything. I completely froze and was dazed, I remember feeling completely “out of it” even though I hadn’t been given anything to my knowledge? I just... there are parts where I remember exactly what they were doing, and there are parts where I just draw a blank and don’t fully remember...
When they were all done with me, I just lay there and couldn’t move. My then-boyfriend slapped me on the behind and said “good boy. You did really well. I’m proud of you”. And I couldn’t even say anything. Then his friends all got cleaned up and dressed again and left. My then-boyfriend told them “same time again next Saturday fellas. I’ll text you.” The whole time it was happening, none of them spoke to me. They did everything with my then-boyfriend’s “permission” but not mine. They just passed me around between them. And I was so “out of it” in my head and my body just felt limp and like I had no control over it.
Anyway I’m sorry to go into such detail. I hope I didn’t trigger anyone :( I’m so sorry if I did!
My question is, was this rape?
Because I did freeze and my mind went blank. I didn’t do enough to stop it but I definitely didn’t consent, and I didn’t want it. I didn’t climax or anything like that. I know that much. I definitely didn’t enjoy it! I know I was so stupid. I would never willingly sleep with more than just my romantic partner - I’m not that sort of person! I feel like it’s all my fault because I didn’t do enough. I finally confessed all to my husband and a close female friend; both broke down in tears and said that it was gang rape...
Was it? I’m not entirely sure. I did not consent to any of it, that much is true. But I froze and didn’t fight hard enough. I quite literally didn’t feel like I could even move! I felt too light to move, if that makes sense?
Please can anyone shed some light on what you think this was? I really don’t know if it was rape or not? Since I froze like that and didn’t push them off me hard enough or protest loud enough. I didn’t want it I swear! They asked him instead of me, but... I’m so confused. I’ve held on to this for years and I blame myself entirely. I’ve never told anyone until now. They knew about him raping me on his own, though.
I feel like an idiot even asking, but I genuinely don’t know. The trauma from it has been eating me up and affecting me in various, very specific ways ever since. I couldn’t hide it any longer. Please help me shed some light on the truth?
Thank you so much for reading.
I’m here to ask this because I genuinely don’t know. Apologies that this will be long.
I’m 23 and a few years ago when I was a teenager, I was in an INCREDIBLY abusive relationship. It only lasted a few months and I did break up with him, but in those few short months, the things he did to me have left me with a lot of trauma. A lot of emotional, physical, mental, verbal and sexual abuse. Just all of it. :(
For a little more context and so you can hopefully understand my story a little more, I’m a transgender man (female to male), and I am gay; I currently have a wonderful, supportive husband. (Note: I’m not interested in people’s personal issues or opinions or whatever about either of these facts, so please don’t bother going there in the replies. These facts however, are relevant to a part of the story.)
Anyway: I was in this abusive relationship, and he did rape me. This was proven to the police, and in a court of law. Obviously at first he denied it but then later confessed, and after a horrible and long ordeal, he was finally put in prison. However, there was an incident mere DAYS before the one which got him imprisoned...
I don’t know whether it was rape or not.
He had two best friends; one of whom was also his cousin. They weren’t particularly nice people either. On this particular occasion, my then-boyfriend had these two friends over at the same time as me. We were all playing video games together. But the three of them kept making sexual comments, whispering to each other and laughing. Something about it all made me very uncomfortable, and I kept wishing they would leave. At one point, I went to the bathroom, and when I came back, they were all standing up and the TV and console has been switched off. My then-boyfriend was laying a towel down on his bed. I figured his friends were now leaving.
My then-boyfriend held his arms out to me and pulled me against him to kiss me. Again, I was pretty uncomfortable doing this in front of his friends, so I gently pushed him away. But he pulled me back and kept kissing me and his hands were wandering.
Again, got uncomfortable in front of his friends, and asked him if they were leaving now, and he laughed and said no, we were going to “put on a little show”?
I turned around and at this point, his friends were now sitting down...touching themselves!? Obviously I got even MORE uncomfortable and told my then-boyfriend I wanted to be alone, just me and him. But he said no, it’s rude to ask his friends to go home, and besides I “needed to prove my trust in him”. I said “well what about you proving your loyalty to me?” (He had cheated on me - a one off as far as I know, and had somehow manipulated me into giving him a second chance even though I had dumped him after finding out. He was VERY good at messing with my head.). He said “this will prove it. This is something I would only ever do with someone special.” And I had no idea what he was talking about.
The next thing I remember, was his friends starting to grope me all over. I had recently had my top surgery (double mastectomy), and one of them said to my then-boyfriend “I thought you said he was trans? Where are his t**s?” And my then-boyfriend said “oh he had that surgery already.” Then that same friend went “ugh where’s the fun in that?! Oh well. We’ll have to make do with what’s there.” At that point my then-boyfriend told them I hadn’t had my ‘other surgery’ yet. I freaked out at this point and said to his friends “I’m not here for anyone’s ‘fun’. I’m *insert name here*’s boyfriend; not yours!” They laughed. My then-boyfriend then took over and pushed me back on the bed... The next thing I know, all three of them are on me from all angles! I couldn’t get up and I said I don’t want to, but they didn’t listen to me. My then-boyfriend told them it’s fine and to go ahead. He doesn’t mind! I said “well I mind!” But again nobody listened to me.
Then they took it in turns to have sex with me. I tried to get up but they would keep just pushing me back down again. They were all pretty muscular and masculine guys and I had trouble pushing them off me. But I didn’t shout or scream or fight. I did try to get away but they would just drag me back in place and carry on like I was a rag doll... Eventually I just stopped. I couldn’t do anything. I completely froze and was dazed, I remember feeling completely “out of it” even though I hadn’t been given anything to my knowledge? I just... there are parts where I remember exactly what they were doing, and there are parts where I just draw a blank and don’t fully remember...
When they were all done with me, I just lay there and couldn’t move. My then-boyfriend slapped me on the behind and said “good boy. You did really well. I’m proud of you”. And I couldn’t even say anything. Then his friends all got cleaned up and dressed again and left. My then-boyfriend told them “same time again next Saturday fellas. I’ll text you.” The whole time it was happening, none of them spoke to me. They did everything with my then-boyfriend’s “permission” but not mine. They just passed me around between them. And I was so “out of it” in my head and my body just felt limp and like I had no control over it.
Anyway I’m sorry to go into such detail. I hope I didn’t trigger anyone :( I’m so sorry if I did!
My question is, was this rape?
Because I did freeze and my mind went blank. I didn’t do enough to stop it but I definitely didn’t consent, and I didn’t want it. I didn’t climax or anything like that. I know that much. I definitely didn’t enjoy it! I know I was so stupid. I would never willingly sleep with more than just my romantic partner - I’m not that sort of person! I feel like it’s all my fault because I didn’t do enough. I finally confessed all to my husband and a close female friend; both broke down in tears and said that it was gang rape...
Was it? I’m not entirely sure. I did not consent to any of it, that much is true. But I froze and didn’t fight hard enough. I quite literally didn’t feel like I could even move! I felt too light to move, if that makes sense?
Please can anyone shed some light on what you think this was? I really don’t know if it was rape or not? Since I froze like that and didn’t push them off me hard enough or protest loud enough. I didn’t want it I swear! They asked him instead of me, but... I’m so confused. I’ve held on to this for years and I blame myself entirely. I’ve never told anyone until now. They knew about him raping me on his own, though.
I feel like an idiot even asking, but I genuinely don’t know. The trauma from it has been eating me up and affecting me in various, very specific ways ever since. I couldn’t hide it any longer. Please help me shed some light on the truth?
Thank you so much for reading.
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