• 💖 [Donate To Keep MyPTSD Online] 💖 Every contribution, no matter how small, fuels our mission and helps us continue to provide peer-to-peer services. Your generosity keeps us independent and available freely to the world. MyPTSD closes if we can't reach our annual goal.

We got married yesterday...

Not open for further replies.

ms spock

Well it was both a great day and a difficult day. I had a lot of things happen in the last month which were really challenging. My partner had an accident, sustaining an injury that meant he couldn't walk for three weeks and the intern did a very bad job suturing him up.

Some of the most difficult things are dealing with my own ruminations, reenactment of traumas, maladaptive daydreaming, dissociation, derealisation, depersonalisation, and in general my own hyperarousal and hypoarousal. And I used all my skills not to go off my head or over react today or yesterday. And I was successful in using my skills upon the whole. This meant that I got to enjoy my wedding and wedding lunch!

During the ceremony some intrusive thoughts came into my head, but I was mostly there, and it turned out okay, and quite touching in some places. My husband to be got quite emotional!

My Father In Law, Papa Bear has dementia, and his son looked after him for 8 years, I assisted for five/six years, full time for the last two years, anyone who has been a carer knows how exhausting that this can be, and towards the end I would put on clean clothes in the evening so I was dressed in clean clothes if we were going to the doctors the next day, as the situation was very demanding. Carers know how that goes. It was a difficult time. We have been really fortunate that he settled in and has made friends.

Anyway the focus of the today was, of course us getting married, but we wanted it to be meaningful for Papa Bear, so we had it downstairs at his nursing home, which is a bit like a resort, and has beautiful gardens. We had his best friends there of 80 years, so they were two lovely couples. My sister and her partner were there, and the two lovely couples were so excited to meet my sister that it was hard to get them to sit down so we could start the ceremony! That was most amusing. Papa Bear has dementia, and is getting frailer so the point of having the wedding downstairs from his room meant that he can point down there and say "My son got married there!" When we looked up during the ceremony five staff members were watching from his bedroom window, so the staff were included. They had been invited down but they were trying to show respect. We had our wedding lunch in his favourite Indian restaurant, and the woman did a great job for us. I gave her an orchid in thanks. So we got a pavlova wedding cake as it is his favourite cake.

(Anyway I had an interruption at this point and several distressing things occurred, (which meant I didn't come on here last night as I was so distressed/triggered and I didn't want that to be my main way of remembering that day) but now back to focusing on the positive. I had made it home from the wedding and the wedding lunch in the restaurant, and that had been a good experience. Though I found it hard to be present, I was mostly there, and so that was good.)

So I was a little bit nervous but my sister was being positive, and the celebrant rushed up for me to sign a paper that I was doing this of my own free will, and it was hard to get everyone to sit down as they were all so excited and were trying to take photos.

Papa Bear was most excited, as he had broken his walker the night before, he was in a wheel chair, and they were all standing in the shade as the place, below were his room is situated.

So we finally got everyone in the seats, (mostly) and the celebrant started playing ABBA's I do I do, but we entered in on "Dancing Queen" and my sister and I walked in, and then she stood next to me and B's cousin. I was quite stressed from the morning, but I was present and B got quite emotional and almost cried, whilst we were doing our vows. I was a little bit dissociated but mostly I was present, and I did okay. Everyone took lots of photos, and I arranged them around a bit.

Papa Bear cried with happiness whilst we were being married, I didn't see that but my sister did. B parked him in at home whilst picking up another camera card, so and Papa Bear told me that the wedding had exceeded all his expectations, and that he was so happy and then he focused on me and my happiness. When I arrived at the wedding, I kissed and hugged everyone, and when I kissed and hugged Papa Bear he told me I looked like a million dollars and then changed him mind and gestured to me as the ceremony that no I looked like two million dollars and held up two fingers and kept reemphasising that point through gestures.

I went home and got changed. I didn't get a wedding dress but a dress with a particular celtic like design (or one woman says art noveau design) and changed into another dress and the two women asked me way I changed, and I said if it is good enough for Meagan Markle it is good enough for me! So we laughed a lot about that.

The guests were Papa Bear's two closest couple friends, Papa Bear's favourite nephew & his daughter, my sister & her partner meant everyone was aware of his dementia, he was very familiar with everyone, and it was less likely for him to freak out, or get distressed, or if he exhibited challenging behaviours everyone would just continue onwards without a worry. He did get up at one point and seemed to be wanting to go and I thought he was leaving before the pavlova, so I accepted that, but it seems he needed to go for his after meal walk, so he left and everyone asked me what was going on, and I said I didn't know,but he did come back. So we didn't get the shot of us cutting the wedding cake together as I was uncertain if he was coming back, but mostly we managed really, really well. There were some nice moments, touching moments, and hilarious moments. Everyone has a great sense of humour that attended.

It was really hard as well as really good.

I did have some intrusive thoughts, and I redirected those off, I did have a few sad moments as I come for a huge family, and those weddings were all so big and family filled. Complex Trauma and PTSD are hard to deal with in these situations as there are triggers, and the losses that flood in are tough. Mostly I did okay. Afterwards B said he would drop Papa Bear off and come straight home. I thought we would be nerds together on our computers. But B went MIA for some hours, he returned the suits, to the shop, who does that on his wedding day? Then he went shopping for food, this after three weeks of being bed bound, and not being on his feet was bewildering, as the would had come open after the stitches were taken out, and we had had multiple visits to the doctors, and I had been basically getting him everything. I had thought we could spend some time together, so I was sad about that, and he invited two of the guests over and he wasn't there, and I went into my shame and humiliation and babbled a lot, they waited two hours and B still wasn't back. And I was actually worried what had happened to him. And my sister turned up late in the morning, I didn't mind because I got to come on here and answer a few posts and there were other incidents with my sister, I don't think that she can help herself. I had asked my sister not to tell my brother we were getting married, as I had agonised over inviting him, or not inviting him, and I felt soccer punched to get a "Congratulations" from him it triggered off a whole lot of stuff in me. So that was hard. My sister went for a nap after the wedding when we got back at 3pm and came out to get a couple cups of tea and then didn't up until 11.30am this morning, when they were leaving at 2pm. This is a little strange when you are going to spend time with someone, but lucky really as I think I would have lost my shit, with all the goal post moving. So I was pretty upset last night with all that happened in the afternoon. And this morning I rang the SuicideCallBackLine and bawled my eyes out. I just wanted to get in my car and get the f*ck out of here. I did tackle my sister and say hey you know I asked you not to tell our brother, and she said she didn't have the intention that our Mother had when she did such things. That she didn't want to lie to him and you know I just agreed with her in the end. I told her that I had not slept during the night, and had had a night of nightmares, and she told me that she had had a night of nightmares as well.

She arrived and demanded that things be moved around and tidied up the way that she wanted them to, and demanded furniture be moved etc. She is bossing and controlling. She did do some nice things something borrowed, something blue, etc, and lots of photos and a photo album with framed photos of us all. She had gone to a lot of trouble, and she did many gift like things, but to type this I had to binge eat chocolate/nuts I haven't done that for a long time. I haven't been this bad for a longtime. I am so glad I didn't tell people that we were getting married because it means I won't cry when people ask me how it was. I have worked very hard on my recovery, and trying to do impulse control, and manage things, and be fiar to people and not over react or take things too personally. I have worked really, really hard, and I have don't have feelings of belonging a lot fo the time, and this really mattered to me, and I just don't want to be here anymore. I do'nt want to have to deal with these issues anymore. I tried so hard, and I kept it together for Papa Bear and he really loved it so that was great. He was very, very happy, and he told the others that he had gained a daughter. It means al ot to him. But I feel like my heart has broken. I just got so triggered from yesterday afternoon onwards, and it was horrible, and I couldn't sleep and work at 4am and I took sleeping tablets and Valium because I was in a shit way.

If she demands that I go to her wedding with our Mother there I am not going to go. This was too much. Even if she cuts off contact. It wasn't worth it. It doesn't matter what you do in these situations if you cut off contact you are f*cking screwed with grief and despair, if you keep contact you are f*cking screwed with grief and despair.

I should have come on the forum last night but I felt so humiliated and upset and despairing. I just couldn't believe it. I just couldn't accept it.
Last edited:
It is a rare thing for a wedding of any stripe to go off without a hitch. You had your share of hitches and you navigated around a difficult person with her own issues who didn't respect your wishes. That is hurtful any time, especially on your wedding day. So far as B going MIA, I would definitely have that conversation at a time when both are rested.

Maybe you and B can set aside a day exclusively for you both... a re-do. What are/were his feelings about the wedding? Remember to take those into account as well k?

When you are able, bring yourself around to write/share about those things that went well/right. Affirm/remember your reasons for a ceremony at this time and why you both made the decision at this time. Replay the ceremony and/or the parts of the experience that met or exceeded your expectations - there likely are some?

(((((You were highly symptomatic leading up to this event and so were others))))

Added in edit... love you gal.
Last edited by a moderator:
Wow, I think you did an amazing job of making it a wonderful wedding and using your coping skills and making the day PTSD compatible. :)

So far as B going MIA, I would definitely have that conversation at a time when both are rested.

Re this ^^ Ooh yeh, I'd have been really hurt too!

The thing is, we all have some pretty bizarre reactions to stress and bizarre coping mechanisms.

Often, our own reactions and coping mechanisms "make sense" to us, even if we can see they are maladaptive.

Other ppl's stress reactions and coping mechanisms can be sooooo hard to understand tho and hence can often feel super hurtful!

Maybe your brand-new-hubby was just flooded with so much emotion, that he decided to do some "practical" tasks to ground himself. I know that's something I do when I feel flooded with emotion - one of my go-to things is doing the dishes!!! :confused::roflmao:

I'm sure if I'd spend an hour on my wedding day doing a big pile of dishes to self-soothe, everyone would think I was nuts. And I'm sure my newly-married-hubby would be kinda hurt like "How about spending time with me instead of the dishes?!" :poop:

We all do the most bizarre things to self-soothe and to get grounded.

Congratulations on a mostly-beautiful day and on the massive work you invested in making it wonderful and authentic and safe. :)
Well it was both a great day and a difficult day. I had a lot of things happen in the last mon...
I was going to say "You must not be here because you are enjoying your honeymoon so much.?" Ah well, such is life! But still it's not at all unusual? I worked in the "wedding business" many years and believe me, it's much more common for people to be out of their minds than for everyone to be relaxed and having a good time.
So my psychiatrist was blunt, you keep learning the same lesson about your sister's behaviours.

She has the internalised perpetrator that she is pretty much unaware of, and she acts it out in an extreme passive aggressive fashion. That I have dealt with this part of myself and she hasn't, and that is life.
Last edited:
So my psychiatrist said to focus on the successes of the day - that I was extremely worried about Papa Bear not making it to the wedding and he did. And that it was totally successful in terms of everything that we planned for Papa Bear, to make it special for him, and that everything we planned around him came off without a hitch and that it was such a wonderful experience for him. The touching and sweet moments of the ceremony and the lunch, and there were many.
B didn't have any need for space or anything after the wedding, he just thought he would drop off the suits as he had them together, so he returned them to the suit shop, on the day of the wedding as to be efficient and because it would save me a trip later on. He had been bed ridden for three weeks with a foot injury and stitches. He then thought he would buy some food for the house, which means he wanted some licorice and then decided to get some other stuff as well. It is really disappointing.

I really don't feel like I belong anywhere or that I am important. I feel really upset. I feel really heartbroken.
Last edited:
Maybe your brand-new-hubby was just flooded with so much emotion, that he decided to do some "practical" tasks to ground himself. I know that's something I do when I feel flooded with emotion - one of my go-to things is doing the dishes!!! :confused::roflmao:
Yes Yes Yes he probably was - and that was his way of managing it. He says he didn't think it through. Then he says the morning was a bit surreal. Then he insists that he just didn't think it through.

I worked in the "wedding business" many years and believe me, it's much more common for people to be out of their minds than for everyone to be relaxed and having a good time.
Yes that is absolutely true, and the first half of the day was great, I managed some difficult things well in the morning, the ceremony and the reception went well, and I did, on the whole, hold it together, until my sister left, but it was so hard. And my abandonment stuff came up and my super reactivity after the debacle with the Buddhist Temple. But I was ethical about child protection and standing up for myself. After The Royal Commission into Institutional Responses into Child Sex Abuse you would think there would be different responses, but there weren't. All the belonging/not belonging stuff came up.
So the major success was that Papa Bear made it to the wedding. His dementia is progressing, and I am so grateful that he was alive to be there, and he was actually there enough to know what happened as well. What we did with the ceremony, and the reception at his favourite restaurant and both went really, really, really well.

I went across last night and I put photos of the wedding and all the people that were at the wedding (the 12 of us) all up and down his glass cabinet, and it looks great.

We put all the photos in two photo albums and we looked through that with him at lunch today.

I think we just slid in there with getting him to the wedding. and though he talked to me more about other things last night, he did take in some of it.

It means that the staff can talk to him about it, and he can look down there and see where his son got married, and where he gained a daughter.

So it was a major success overall. It really was!

It was just difficult in the afternoon and the night, and the next day. The ceremony and the reception went really well.

I realise that I cannot tell my sister anything that I don't want to my parents to know. She can't help herself. She is not able to let it be about anything but herself, she is truly damaged by the childhood trauma. She has not dealt with her internal perpetrator, and I have to radically accept that she is the way she is and have no expectations that she will ever be anything but who she is as a result of the trauma. I realise that I need to learn to recognize, confront and not identify with my inner critic thought processes that catapult me back in emotional time to those awful feelings of overwhelming terror, fear, self-hate, hopelessness, helplessness and self-disgust that were part and parcel of my original childhood abandonment and ongoing vindicative abuse. I have done a lot of work on myself, but this is the next part of it. I did not have the skills or the acceptance to manage this situation, on one hand, on the other, I could have reacted a lot worse,and really made it a drama, which I didn't, I restrained my responses, so that was really good. I really wish I hadn't gone into a shame spiral and shut down. I could have posted a thread here, and reached out for help, or let people know how truly upset I was, or I could have rung the Suicide Call Back Line or even a friend. I had a friend ring but I was too embarrassed to tell her what was going on. I didn't want to over react so I allowed myself nothing but ruminating around in my head and disrupting that. I could have asked for some help. I could have reached out, and honest about how I was feeling, and at least had some soothing and support.
Last edited:
Not open for further replies.