Labyrinthine
New Here
Hi there, was advised by my pdoc to perhaps try seeking some communities for support while I'm going through sessions with my T... so here I am!
A couple of months ago, I finally brought myself to make an appointment for a mental health assessment as a "eh, why not" mentality - i had been experiencing way too many intrusive memories working in a new environment that put me in a state of constant re-experience of my past events (love my job though). I had long suspected something was "wrong/off" and I used studies/work to shove it all aside for 15 years for I could never put a finger down to what it was. I could function well, from the main view of things so mild depression and GAD was what I thought, but they never seemed to fit right. PTSD never once crossed my mind.
Had half the mental prep to be told that I was actually fine, just a little stressed out, anxious and over-thinking things. In that quiet little room, i finally spoke. Scraping the surface of my past as I heard the nice lady's keyboard keys click to type all that I had down. Was told at the end that I might have PTSD, something I couldn't believe, and till now, still can't.
It didn't hit me hard and cold until I read referral letter - female victim of CSA, possible PTSD. Oh how I can still feel that coldness running across my skin. It makes me squirm to even see it typed out. I don't feel that what I went through was bad, most of me just sees it as normal. Normal yet not really so. I'm still confused over whatever I'm feeling. I can't seem to connect, I don't want to connect. It's so frightening to connect.
Things were a blur after that, anxiety, hospital referral, anxiety, pdoc visit, confirmation diagnosis of PTSD, referral to psychologist, more anxiety, more intrusive memories, more floods of strange yet familiar emotions.
My first T session was horrible. In an anxious state to get everything "away" while also fearing that i'd not be believed and dismissed, I unleashed too much. The first session broke my emotional barrier that I had painstakingly built up over years of hard work and flooded me with these strange yet familiar emotions. Second session was slightly better, also because I had more work in life to be distracted by.
For years I used to be able to block the thoughts about whatever happened out, shoving it as a whole aside, get busy and only have them intrude and wreck havoc when I'm on a long break. Now, every single free moment is a series of thoughts greeting me in succession.
From my beach-"paradise", I now feel like I've been swept to the middle of the ocean. I can float and trap water, but that's about it. I'm feeling like soon I'd get tired and might stop trying. I'm just really really exhausted. I've already gone through years of this, how long more can I take this. I thought I was done with it, I thought I was over it. I thought I was, but now I'm clearly not.
Yet there's no time, there's work to be done.
I am lost.
Still, hello and thank you for reading this long chunk, really appreciate it!
It helps to speak up, as scary as it is.
I'm here to learn more, perhaps taking the first step in trying to understand what in the world is going on and also to provide some support for many people experiencing this.
A couple of months ago, I finally brought myself to make an appointment for a mental health assessment as a "eh, why not" mentality - i had been experiencing way too many intrusive memories working in a new environment that put me in a state of constant re-experience of my past events (love my job though). I had long suspected something was "wrong/off" and I used studies/work to shove it all aside for 15 years for I could never put a finger down to what it was. I could function well, from the main view of things so mild depression and GAD was what I thought, but they never seemed to fit right. PTSD never once crossed my mind.
Had half the mental prep to be told that I was actually fine, just a little stressed out, anxious and over-thinking things. In that quiet little room, i finally spoke. Scraping the surface of my past as I heard the nice lady's keyboard keys click to type all that I had down. Was told at the end that I might have PTSD, something I couldn't believe, and till now, still can't.
It didn't hit me hard and cold until I read referral letter - female victim of CSA, possible PTSD. Oh how I can still feel that coldness running across my skin. It makes me squirm to even see it typed out. I don't feel that what I went through was bad, most of me just sees it as normal. Normal yet not really so. I'm still confused over whatever I'm feeling. I can't seem to connect, I don't want to connect. It's so frightening to connect.
Things were a blur after that, anxiety, hospital referral, anxiety, pdoc visit, confirmation diagnosis of PTSD, referral to psychologist, more anxiety, more intrusive memories, more floods of strange yet familiar emotions.
My first T session was horrible. In an anxious state to get everything "away" while also fearing that i'd not be believed and dismissed, I unleashed too much. The first session broke my emotional barrier that I had painstakingly built up over years of hard work and flooded me with these strange yet familiar emotions. Second session was slightly better, also because I had more work in life to be distracted by.
For years I used to be able to block the thoughts about whatever happened out, shoving it as a whole aside, get busy and only have them intrude and wreck havoc when I'm on a long break. Now, every single free moment is a series of thoughts greeting me in succession.
From my beach-"paradise", I now feel like I've been swept to the middle of the ocean. I can float and trap water, but that's about it. I'm feeling like soon I'd get tired and might stop trying. I'm just really really exhausted. I've already gone through years of this, how long more can I take this. I thought I was done with it, I thought I was over it. I thought I was, but now I'm clearly not.
Yet there's no time, there's work to be done.
I am lost.
Still, hello and thank you for reading this long chunk, really appreciate it!
It helps to speak up, as scary as it is.
I'm here to learn more, perhaps taking the first step in trying to understand what in the world is going on and also to provide some support for many people experiencing this.