YoungLearner
New Here
So, here I go. Talking about what I did.
It's been 10 months since I messed my life up big time, and I still think about the event everyday. I technically haven't officially been diagnosed with PTSD, but my therapist said that what I did put my brain in a trauma like state. I'm unaware of a difference, and I do deeply apologize if I offend anyone here for not having PTSD but thinking I do. It might be a hypochondriac kind of thing, or a psychosomatic problem, or an overly guilty sub conscience, but I really don't know. But this morning, on the morning of my graduation, it's all kind of crumbling down on me again.
So let me begin with a minor, sort of important detail. A few years back when I was starting high school, I feel in love with a girl. Yeah, I'm a teenager, "I don't know what love is", that kind of thing, but I knew I loved her. I knew that when it started to hurt because I couldn't talk to her, I loved her. But when I couldn't talk to her, and eventually had to face her, she shattered my heart, leaving me suffering from depression for a year, and I still want to be with her.
But that's not why I'm here. A few months after a massive declaration that I'd never go back to her, I messed up hugely. See, all my life, I've never quite been sure if I was meant to be a male or a female, and I found a wrong way of discovering.
I went online, and found a feminization hypnosis. I went through with it, luckily I went unaffected, but I saw something that still terrifies me to the very core. This monster had mind control hypnosis out as well. She destroyed people's lives. So I tried to push it out of my life, forget that it happened.
But I couldn't. I messed up big time, potentially destroying my life. And ten months later, I still think about it every day. So now, I am deeply depressed, on Prozac, but I don't think it's doing much, and have panic attacks on occasion.
And today is going to be terrible for me. My unwise decision led me to feel even more awkward than I was originally, and the girl that shattered my heart is now dating a guy, and both of them are giving speeches at my graduation, while I'm off watching, being thankful I even made it out of that place. I keep trying to tell myself it will be okay, because I eventually felt decent after the girl shattered my heart, and I wasn't on medication then. I'd be fine if I felt decent without meds. But I haven't. And I'm worried I never will.
So I came here, and read posts that it gets better, but days like today make me think it never will. If I have to live with this for the rest of my life, I'm not sure it's worth it. I mean, I read about potential "cures" with ecstasy, but I'm not even sure if I would be qualified for it. I don't even know if I have PTSD. "Trauma like state" might be treatable, but I can't tell.
So again, I apologize if I offend you if you have the real condition, and I'm just overly guilty. But I feel like I'll never get over one girl that I still love but she never showed anything for me and the horrible, life altering mistake I made.
Thank you for listening.
It's been 10 months since I messed my life up big time, and I still think about the event everyday. I technically haven't officially been diagnosed with PTSD, but my therapist said that what I did put my brain in a trauma like state. I'm unaware of a difference, and I do deeply apologize if I offend anyone here for not having PTSD but thinking I do. It might be a hypochondriac kind of thing, or a psychosomatic problem, or an overly guilty sub conscience, but I really don't know. But this morning, on the morning of my graduation, it's all kind of crumbling down on me again.
So let me begin with a minor, sort of important detail. A few years back when I was starting high school, I feel in love with a girl. Yeah, I'm a teenager, "I don't know what love is", that kind of thing, but I knew I loved her. I knew that when it started to hurt because I couldn't talk to her, I loved her. But when I couldn't talk to her, and eventually had to face her, she shattered my heart, leaving me suffering from depression for a year, and I still want to be with her.
But that's not why I'm here. A few months after a massive declaration that I'd never go back to her, I messed up hugely. See, all my life, I've never quite been sure if I was meant to be a male or a female, and I found a wrong way of discovering.
I went online, and found a feminization hypnosis. I went through with it, luckily I went unaffected, but I saw something that still terrifies me to the very core. This monster had mind control hypnosis out as well. She destroyed people's lives. So I tried to push it out of my life, forget that it happened.
But I couldn't. I messed up big time, potentially destroying my life. And ten months later, I still think about it every day. So now, I am deeply depressed, on Prozac, but I don't think it's doing much, and have panic attacks on occasion.
And today is going to be terrible for me. My unwise decision led me to feel even more awkward than I was originally, and the girl that shattered my heart is now dating a guy, and both of them are giving speeches at my graduation, while I'm off watching, being thankful I even made it out of that place. I keep trying to tell myself it will be okay, because I eventually felt decent after the girl shattered my heart, and I wasn't on medication then. I'd be fine if I felt decent without meds. But I haven't. And I'm worried I never will.
So I came here, and read posts that it gets better, but days like today make me think it never will. If I have to live with this for the rest of my life, I'm not sure it's worth it. I mean, I read about potential "cures" with ecstasy, but I'm not even sure if I would be qualified for it. I don't even know if I have PTSD. "Trauma like state" might be treatable, but I can't tell.
So again, I apologize if I offend you if you have the real condition, and I'm just overly guilty. But I feel like I'll never get over one girl that I still love but she never showed anything for me and the horrible, life altering mistake I made.
Thank you for listening.