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Well, Here I Go...

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YoungLearner

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So, here I go. Talking about what I did.

It's been 10 months since I messed my life up big time, and I still think about the event everyday. I technically haven't officially been diagnosed with PTSD, but my therapist said that what I did put my brain in a trauma like state. I'm unaware of a difference, and I do deeply apologize if I offend anyone here for not having PTSD but thinking I do. It might be a hypochondriac kind of thing, or a psychosomatic problem, or an overly guilty sub conscience, but I really don't know. But this morning, on the morning of my graduation, it's all kind of crumbling down on me again.

So let me begin with a minor, sort of important detail. A few years back when I was starting high school, I feel in love with a girl. Yeah, I'm a teenager, "I don't know what love is", that kind of thing, but I knew I loved her. I knew that when it started to hurt because I couldn't talk to her, I loved her. But when I couldn't talk to her, and eventually had to face her, she shattered my heart, leaving me suffering from depression for a year, and I still want to be with her.

But that's not why I'm here. A few months after a massive declaration that I'd never go back to her, I messed up hugely. See, all my life, I've never quite been sure if I was meant to be a male or a female, and I found a wrong way of discovering.

I went online, and found a feminization hypnosis. I went through with it, luckily I went unaffected, but I saw something that still terrifies me to the very core. This monster had mind control hypnosis out as well. She destroyed people's lives. So I tried to push it out of my life, forget that it happened.

But I couldn't. I messed up big time, potentially destroying my life. And ten months later, I still think about it every day. So now, I am deeply depressed, on Prozac, but I don't think it's doing much, and have panic attacks on occasion.

And today is going to be terrible for me. My unwise decision led me to feel even more awkward than I was originally, and the girl that shattered my heart is now dating a guy, and both of them are giving speeches at my graduation, while I'm off watching, being thankful I even made it out of that place. I keep trying to tell myself it will be okay, because I eventually felt decent after the girl shattered my heart, and I wasn't on medication then. I'd be fine if I felt decent without meds. But I haven't. And I'm worried I never will.

So I came here, and read posts that it gets better, but days like today make me think it never will. If I have to live with this for the rest of my life, I'm not sure it's worth it. I mean, I read about potential "cures" with ecstasy, but I'm not even sure if I would be qualified for it. I don't even know if I have PTSD. "Trauma like state" might be treatable, but I can't tell.

So again, I apologize if I offend you if you have the real condition, and I'm just overly guilty. But I feel like I'll never get over one girl that I still love but she never showed anything for me and the horrible, life altering mistake I made.

Thank you for listening.
 
Hi YoungLearner and welcome to the forum:)

of course I don't know if you have PTSD, but from what you write I can see that you are suffering.

You have a therapist. That is good and hopefully he/she will help you through this.PTSD or not, recovery is about ridding the emotional distress and regaining a sense of well being and balance in your life. Therapy is necessary for that process.

It sounds as if you are carrying a lot of guilt. That is something your T will help you deal with. Everybody messes up at times. We all make mistakes, but we have to learn from them and move on. I am not dismissing how traumatic this was for you, just saying that with help this should not cloud the rest of your life.

Forget about 'cures with ecstasy'. Sure the ecstasy has been found to be helpful for some people but my understanding is that it is only because it reduces the inhibitions and helps them to face their trauma. Not a magic cure. 'Processing' the trauma through therapy, so that it no longer has such a powerful hold on you is what will help.

But, be positive. It does get better. It may take a wee while, and I don't know how long you have been on the Prozac but that takes time to have its full effect too. You will start to feel better again. I hear that today is a tough day for you. But tomorrow will see today as yesterday.

Congratulations on graduating! Be proud of your achievement.
 
I went online, and found a feminization hypnosis. I went through with it, luckily I went unaffected, but I saw something that still terrifies me to the very core. This monster had mind control hypnosis out as well. She destroyed people's lives. So I tried to push it out of my life, forget that it happened.

Hi YoungLearner, please do not take this the wrong way. I am not trying to undermine your feelings, as it is clear from your post that you are hurting, but I have to ask you: what is the terrible thing you have done?

From your post I hear a young boy who got his heart broken by an unreturned love. First let me adress that: Being a teenager does not mean you don't know what love is. When I was a teenager, I got my heart broken too, and the pain was very deep and very real and even more intense than what I have experienced in that department in my adult life.

The real issue, as you put it, is about you being confused about your gender and you seeked help from an online hypnosis which did not affect you. I do not know what it is that you saw, or what you mean by mind control hypnosis, but how are you responsible for what the 'hypnotist' does? It is not you who destroyed people's lifes, and I highly doubt the hypnotist has that kind of power anyways :-)

To sum up, I really don't see that you have done anything wrong here! Maybe you should work on not being so hard on yourself :)

My best wishes to you!
 
Hello YoungLearner,

I'm having difficulty following you. It sounds like you tried some sort of online hypnosis to test your gender identity. Is that correct? It would be great if you could clarify more directly what your experience was. It looks like there are a few other people having trouble following you too.

By the way, pure ecstacy (bka MDMA) is an extremely effective drug for treating PTSD. There is an organization called the Multi-Disciplinary Association for Psychedelic Studies (MAPS) that has compiled a deal of scientific research supporting this conclusion. I suspect it will be a common treatment for PTSD in the future.

MDMA stifles the over-active amygdala, down-regulating fear and emotional distress, and allowing it to communicate more normally with the prefrontal cortex. This means the patient can approach traumatic memories with greater emotional regulation, less fight/flight reaction and more empathy. I suffered from extreme early life trauma and was lucky enough to take pure MDMA after several years of intensive therapy. It was extremely helpful to me.

HOWEVER....

MDMA is illegal in all countries due to a UN agreement. The only exception is a very small number of highly controlled clinical trials, mostly in Israel with a few in the US and possibly Canada, almost all of which are only open to combat veterans. It is extremely rare to find pure MDMA on the street. Almost all of what is labeled ecstacy contains numerous other additives, many of which are dangerous or could be simply disastrous for someone with PTSD.

I would personally very strongly recommend against experimenting with that drug if you think you may have a trauma disorder, without adequate medical/psychological supervision.
 
Thank you all for welcoming me to the forums, and I will elaborate a bit on what I meant, in case I confused you, which I apologize for.

What I meant to mind control is this: The hypnotist "implants" a sort of need in one's mind to send her money, or apply to be her slave. That is what terrified me all the way to this point.

Now, one thing that I've heard very much is that I'm too hard on myself. Which is valid, I can see that. But I went in like a speeding hot rod, not concerned for the future. I'm at least partially responsible for that. My therapist said not to blame myself for how I feel/felt, but I still get stuck on that. That I did it. Being hard on myself may largely be influence by that, and guilt very likely plays a huge part in it as well. So now I'm worried about my future, and if I'll ever really figure this all out and how I can get better, if there is such a thing for me. I accepted that the part of me before that girl and the heartbreak had gone away, but that wasn't as life altering as this. I mean, there was a possibility I could fall in love again, but I don't know about that anymore. A sort of, "how can I love anyone else if I can barely love myself" kind of thing.

Again, I thank you all for quickly leaping to welcome me and begin to support me. I have been on Prozac for about 2 months now, and I don't plan to just take MDMA on my own. I didn't even want the Prozac to begin with, my mom practically had to force me to start on it.

Also, I have a question that I'd like to have answered: Though you are the same people you were before everything horrible that has happened to you, have you felt just as happy or at least good enough to be okay in your lives after your traumas? I ask this, because even though I know it is far from trauma, after the heart break and before my error, I felt pretty dandy, maybe just a few steps behind how I felt when I was in love. I want to know if I'll ever feel similar to that again.

Thanks again, and I again hope I have not offended anyone.
 
Dear youngLearner,

When I read your posts, I get a strong urge to just give you a hug and comfort you, and I do not get that urge very often :)

I am positive that you will be alright! You are not responsible for the hypnotists actions. I will ask you to try and look at the situation this way and ask yourself some questions:

What was my intention behind seeking out this hypnotist? Did I do it to harm myself or anybody else, or was my intention benevelont (trying to help or learn something about myself) towards myself and/or others? You are not responsible for the hypnotists ( or anyone else for that matter) intentions or actions. I can not stress that fact too strongly!

You went in like a speeding rod, not concerned for the future! That is just a part of life sometimes. We all do that, especially at your age. How could you have forseen what the hypnotist was all about? There is no possible way you can foretell other peoples intentions throughout your whole life. That is an impossible task. And it is not appropriate either.

Focus on your own intentions through life that is where you will find peace, (and learn to also forgive yourself if your intentions not always resembles those of Jesus or Buddah :-)

I was raped under circumstances where I used to feel guilty about putting myself in that situation, until I realised, no matter what I had done that night, the only one responsible for that rape was the rapist. There was no way I could have fortold I was in a dangerous situation, a dangerous situation he alone created through his malice intentions.

If we had the ability to do that, this forum would not exist, cause there would be no traumatized people!

Hugs to you if you will accept them!
 
You really think that I'll be okay? I still worry I won't be. I keep thinking, "Yeah, I can feel decent, but even after the heartbreak, decent was eventually not enough to stop a relapse after I saw her again". I do, however, thank you for the hugs (that makes me feel really good about what I've been going through!) and the advice. I would like to forgive myself, and not be so rough, but I don't know where to begin. I mean, I'm worried that the meds and the therapy won't be enough, and then I feel like I belong in an asylum and then I think I'll never be better. So... Thanks. You've given me hope, which was enough for me. I'm not "better" yet, but at least a little more at ease. It's easier to talk about and think about, but I still feel like I'm stuck in a bad period. Which I hope I don't feel for the rest of my life. I feel like everything before was segmented together whether it was good or bad, but this just feels like an entirely new layer of myself, like something has been stripped away, leaving me exposed and weak.

But all in all, thank you. I needed that hope. Reading those words made me feel just a little more at ease. Just a little, but that's enough for now, which I hope can lead me out of this depression and into a decent time stretch.
 
I am glad if my words helped just a little!

Let me share a little anecdote with you : when I was 17 and got my hart broken I was crying all the time and lost a ton of weight I could not afford to loose, I remember my sister saying to me: Don't worry Crazyhorse, You will not feel this way for the rest of your life, I promise you!

Only, I did not believe her, I was absolutly convinced I would feel this horrible forever and ever. But she was of course right. I am not saying it did not take some time, but oh, trust me! It does get better and more than that, It goes away completly!

Let time work for you on this one. You are, as your name symbols, a young learner. Do not put to much pressure on yourself on feeling better instantly, as I said, time will work for you. It really, really will!

(((((sending more hugs your way)))))
 
Thank you again. I do, though, have one question.

When you said, "It goes away completely", I was wondering what you meant: Depression, heartbreak, or the (possible) PTSD? As I am not completely certain if I do have PTSD, this brought much interest to me. My therapist did say I was in a trauma like state, which may mean that I don't have PTSD and just suffer from a huge amount of guilt.

Depression is also a spark of interest for me, because if I do have PTSD, that has been one of the most prominent symptoms, as I don't believe I've had a flashback, and I've only had nightmares after considering I could have PTSD, which lead me to say in my first post, "hypocondriac". I don't suffer from insomnia, I sleep well. I just feel the worst I've felt in my life. I feel like my future is going to be long and drawn out. Everyday since I watched the hypnosis video, I've thought about it, and if that's what the rest of my life is, I fear that it will be long and it will be much harder than it needs to be.

Heartbreak... Though it has been painful, these first few days have been dreary, and I'm slowly coming to realize I'll never see the girl again after a few graduation parties. At least, the likely hood drops dramatically. Which is probably a better thing so I might be able to find other girls, but what also worries me is that as long as she has been in my life, I have never been romantically attracted to anyone else. It's always been her. I feel like I was meant to be with her, but because I never had the courage to actually talk to her (one of my acquaintances told her I had a crush on her), I never really had a shot. So... I don't know.

But like I said: If the depression goes away, then that will likely keep me "cured" (if one could consider such). I know I'll have up and down days, but that's life. I say "cured", because as I have mentioned, the depression is really the biggest thing I've felt since I went a little judgement-less. That and thinking about it everyday, which I would very much like that to go away as well.

I again thank you for the advice and the hugs. I do hope that I have not offended or taken your information in the incorrect manner, I was just a little confused. I am glad I have come here, as I am already seemingly on a more correct path than only occasionally seeing a therapist.
 
My therapist did say I was in a trauma like state, which may mean that I don't have PTSD and just suffer from a huge amount of guilt

Dear Younglearner,

I ment the heartacke! I am not a doctor so I can not speak for your case entirely, but you do not get PTSD from a broken heart or from watching an online hypnosisvideo, no matter how bad a choice you found it to be. That does not mean that you did not experienced it as traumatic, but it is not the kind of trauma that causes PTSD.

Depression is also a spark of interest for me, because if I do have PTSD, that has been one of the most prominent symptoms

As for your depression, sometimes our society has a tendency to label everything as depression, but I always say: what happened to reaction! You react from a loss of someone you liked or loved, you react from a situation you found disturbing and you react with natural feelings of sadness, hopelesness, grief, guilt etc.

Everyday since I watched the hypnosis video, I've thought about it, and if that's what the rest of my life is, I fear that it will be long and it will be much harder than it needs to be.

Why should it?

but what also worries me is that as long as she has been in my life, I have never been romantically attracted to anyone else

Waw, good quality to have, this proberbly means you are a loyal comitted person, and your future girlfriend will be lucky to have you :-)

I do hope that I have not offended or taken your information in the incorrect manner, I was just a little confused.

Know that you cannot possibly offend me :-)
 
Well, that was an awful lot of wonderful text to read. To know that it's more of a guilt and depression kind of thing takes a huge burden off my shoulders, and I cannot thank you for reassuring me. You have been ever so wonderfully helpful to me during this, so now that I the path I tread on more clearly, it will make it easier to follow.

I am happy to know that though what I found was disturbing, it would not cause PTSD. That being said, though I know by now it's a bit of an overused saying from me, I do apologize to those of you who actually do suffer from PTSD. I jumped to conclusions because it was easy for me to, and it seemed to make sense. I realize that PTSD is a very difficult struggle to go through, and I realize that I haven't been through half as much as many of you have. That being said, I would like to thank you all for your patience and acceptance of me, even if I didn't really have the disorder. I have just been feeling so bad for so long that it was time to see if there was a way to find relief.

And reading your post this morning, Crazyhorse, has brought me more relief than I've felt in a long while. I owe a lot to you. Today was the calmest, happiest day I've had in a long time. I hope I have more to come, and I wish the best to everyone upon this forum. When I am older, and if I ever become an author, I will make sure to try to help out as many people who do suffer from PTSD. It's what's right, and what I want to do. Thank you all so very much.
 
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