Relationship Well...it Was Going Okay.

[ProudWife99]

If you've read anything I've posted, you'll know that my husband and I both suffer from PTSD. His combat related and mine from an assault while I was younger. Our marriage has been up and down and all around and at about every "breaking" point two people could possibly reach.

About five months ago I was pretty sure things were over. He "hated" me, didn't want anything to do with our family, and was talking divorce. He came back from that rant and I really started to see some positive changes. We were communicating, we were intimate (and it wasn't awkward), we were loving. I mean yes, we both had our moments, but he wasn't detached from me. We will never be the same as we were, but we were better. We were real with one another.

He is in school full time now and I work. When he gets really stressed out at school the atmosphere in our home changes. I know he is unaware of it, which keeps me from getting angry at him. His temper flares easier, he refuses to take responsibility for himself, when he is calm he is completely checked out. I know these are all common symptoms, it is just sometimes difficult to come from a place where you're feeling great and then life starts up again and I feel sad and lonely.

I start law school shortly and I'm so concerned about getting busy myself. When I'm preoccupied I can't decipher his moods or read the warning signs as well. We've thought about children and we talk about it at length often, but if school stress causes him to shut down, I know his career will be stressful. I know children will be stressful. I'd rather him just tell me it's too much than to try so hard at everything and end up falling apart because he's just not ready yet.

Ugh. I don't know if that makes any sense. I hurt for him and I hurt for me. Just when I think we've reached a point where I feel safe putting a lot of focus into other things that I dream of doing I get scared I'm making a mistake.

It isn't that I don't want to take care of me. Heck, focusing on me more and on him less helped save our relationship. I bake cookies, I hang out with my friends and family, I work daily, and I really enjoy all sorts of different hobbies. But when I come home, I can tune in to him completely because once I'm home from work I'm done for the day. In law school, I'll be around a lot less and much more preoccupied even while I'm at home. I would hate to lose the progress we've made.

It's just difficult to move forward when you feel like it is going to make things worse, even if it is what is best for you.

 

[Deleted member 12989]

I just want to say, it must be so difficult to live in your situation where both of you have PTSD, and yet you are so patient and loving towards him...I can really see that. What a beautiful gift you've given him! A lot of other couples might not have been able to get this far.

What will happen if you can't be there to decipher his feelings and triggers?

 

[ProudWife99]

Thank you reb0rn. Your words are so kind.

I'm really not sure. Through the worst parts of our marriage (and the most difficult moments of his prolonged exposure treatment) I didn't work. I didn't have to as far as finances go and at the time I felt it was best for me to just be there for him. Once I decided that was unhealthy (as did he) I started going to work once he went to school. This created a huge rift and things got so much worse for him. I felt like just not being around was the cause.

Now he's back in school, things are pretty smooth at home, and I am working during the day. However, like I said...when I am home I shut work out and just focus on being home and enjoying it there (it is also my safe place where I can relax and let my own PTSD induced anxiety go). I guess I'm just hesitant to throw myself back into school full time (law school, no less) and find myself in the middle of another battle in my home.

However, I was able to discuss all this with him and he agreed to make this therapy a priority again (he hadn't been going regularly) to ease my fears. He was very supportive and promised to continue to be honest and vocal with me about how he was feeling so I when I got weighed down and busy I wouldn't have to worry about deciphering his moods. I guess we'll see..but I am still nervous!

 

[iluvdesserts]

It's just difficult to move forward when you feel like it is going to make things worse, even if it is what is best for you.

I feel for you. On one hand, I say "stay put", don't go to law school to save your relationship. On the other hand, I say, "go to law school", because there is no guarantee that your relationship will be in a great place whether you further your education or not. Hard decision. My thoughts are with you as you move forward, whatever path you choose.

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[Pale Warrior]

Hi ProudWife,

I start law school shortly and I'm so concerned about getting busy myself.

For what it's worth. I started a masters back in 2008 and it was too much for me/him on many fronts and I droped out after the first year.

I started my new course in September last year and this time it is (touch wood) much improved and we are both coping better with my need for solitary study time and absorbtion in my writing.

Much has changed during the hiatus, he has better anger management, he does more about the house, is a more confident cook and he accepts my commitment to study is non negotiable. With the chores and cooking he relieves me of burdens and frees up my time for study. I give him clear advance warning of when I need to "work" and he usualy manages to give me the space. Like just about everything with this ruddy disorder, explicit seems to work better than implicit/unsaid/expected/hoped for.

I suppose what I am trying to say is that, firstly, if it doesn't work out this time it is not the end of the road. Secondly, it could be an opportunity for a little "redistribution".