sickfaery
Learning
i never really get anything trauma wise like almost never (i don't think i even have ptsd) but last night i had some pretty shitty episode, i thought in the moment it was def multiple flashbacks and just intense trauma stuff, i thought there it had to be that, but after the fact im not actually sure. so just tell me what you think this is
so basically it started out by this sudden out of the blue anxiety, not like a panic attack, but just sharp anxiety that made me feel heavy, a little like drowning & like there was a kinda blurry glass in front of my eyes. it would dip in and out.
like it would spike then go down, and then at some point i felt in more as a drowning anxiety sensation more than just sharp anxiety and I realized that was exactly how I felt (i think) at the beggining of my main trauma.
I think i was like "it's exactly that" but im not 100% sure. i don't remember exactly how this happened (tw if you've had sexual trauma) but ik i felt weird touch like sensations on my stomach and kinda just around certain areas (this is what makes me hesitate wether this is like true or not, is that except for a few of those sensations, ik they were because of my covers, what i was wearing combined with heavy breathing & my heart beating faster. stuff that i'd usually not be aware of but bc i was hyperfixated on my body i could feel.
plus at the time i thought they had to be like from my trauma). like a minute later i started feeling this really pressing touch feeling on my stomach, didn't feel like the other ones. i took my covers off & racked up my top to test wether it was legit, and i'm pretty sure (don't really remember this part well) but after fading for 5 secs when I had racked my top up it reappeared and in like 5 secs it went from faint (i think, not sure bc i can't really remember that part) from really feeling like hands were touching me there distincly i think. not like a air tickle, but like a genuine deep touch. pretty suddently too.
and i know I had a violent spike of fear at that moment and I felt distincly thought (i think) that there was someone right on top of me at that moment. the airflow infront of me felt obstructed by that presence. but again can't be sure. i kinda curled up to not feel it, but it continued, my anxiety dropped, it was more like some more numby emotion thing i think and my heart out of nowhere started beating really really fast, way faster than when I was actually really anxious. my vision was blurry, felt off balance even when sitting up, and blocked off. i'm pretty sure.
that lasted only like 20 scs, then my heart rate went back down. and for the rest of the night juggled between feeling heavy & blocked off and numb or that same fear again with some block off. they would change every 5 scs between each other.
couldn't sleep obv and really felt really abnormal. like i felt removed and weird. only like 2 times i felt normal again but those times only lasted like 2 secs until out of the blue, i'd feel numb or anxious and weird again. felt that way for maybe 6 hours until i felt somewhat normal and so mentally exhausted that i just fell asleep.
today been feeling mostly normal, but when i woke up i was extremely mentally exhausted. never felt this way in my life. im not tired, it's just my mind that's tired. i slept for 7 hours and I felt that to an extreme, like too tired to feel anything. like i'd start feeling an emotion, negative or positive but then my mind would block it off cos i have no energy to feel it. got a lot better with coffee thought so idk if that invalidates it. also have gotten lower level spikes of that fear and some numbness today but mostly i'm normal but not completely, i think but idk. what do you think.
so basically it started out by this sudden out of the blue anxiety, not like a panic attack, but just sharp anxiety that made me feel heavy, a little like drowning & like there was a kinda blurry glass in front of my eyes. it would dip in and out.
like it would spike then go down, and then at some point i felt in more as a drowning anxiety sensation more than just sharp anxiety and I realized that was exactly how I felt (i think) at the beggining of my main trauma.
I think i was like "it's exactly that" but im not 100% sure. i don't remember exactly how this happened (tw if you've had sexual trauma) but ik i felt weird touch like sensations on my stomach and kinda just around certain areas (this is what makes me hesitate wether this is like true or not, is that except for a few of those sensations, ik they were because of my covers, what i was wearing combined with heavy breathing & my heart beating faster. stuff that i'd usually not be aware of but bc i was hyperfixated on my body i could feel.
plus at the time i thought they had to be like from my trauma). like a minute later i started feeling this really pressing touch feeling on my stomach, didn't feel like the other ones. i took my covers off & racked up my top to test wether it was legit, and i'm pretty sure (don't really remember this part well) but after fading for 5 secs when I had racked my top up it reappeared and in like 5 secs it went from faint (i think, not sure bc i can't really remember that part) from really feeling like hands were touching me there distincly i think. not like a air tickle, but like a genuine deep touch. pretty suddently too.
and i know I had a violent spike of fear at that moment and I felt distincly thought (i think) that there was someone right on top of me at that moment. the airflow infront of me felt obstructed by that presence. but again can't be sure. i kinda curled up to not feel it, but it continued, my anxiety dropped, it was more like some more numby emotion thing i think and my heart out of nowhere started beating really really fast, way faster than when I was actually really anxious. my vision was blurry, felt off balance even when sitting up, and blocked off. i'm pretty sure.
that lasted only like 20 scs, then my heart rate went back down. and for the rest of the night juggled between feeling heavy & blocked off and numb or that same fear again with some block off. they would change every 5 scs between each other.
couldn't sleep obv and really felt really abnormal. like i felt removed and weird. only like 2 times i felt normal again but those times only lasted like 2 secs until out of the blue, i'd feel numb or anxious and weird again. felt that way for maybe 6 hours until i felt somewhat normal and so mentally exhausted that i just fell asleep.
today been feeling mostly normal, but when i woke up i was extremely mentally exhausted. never felt this way in my life. im not tired, it's just my mind that's tired. i slept for 7 hours and I felt that to an extreme, like too tired to feel anything. like i'd start feeling an emotion, negative or positive but then my mind would block it off cos i have no energy to feel it. got a lot better with coffee thought so idk if that invalidates it. also have gotten lower level spikes of that fear and some numbness today but mostly i'm normal but not completely, i think but idk. what do you think.