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Supporter What am i supposed to do - combat vet broke up but everything still the same except living together.

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krisss

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Hi everyone -

I'm new to this forum so I'm going to try to explain everything i can, in as little as i can because i tend to get carried away with my writing.

I was dating a military veteran, infantry in the Army with one deployment. we didnt date while he was deployed but we constantly talked, all day long - all night, etc. We were actually starting to get super close, i knew i loved him and then he just shut down. No communication nothing, he actually ended up dating some girl who was on the same base he was, i was heartbroken. They lasted about a month and then they broke up and he came crawling back to me (he was back in the states). Basically saying that he never liked her, and he was just getting so close to me he got scared and left. Well once we talked and he saw how hurt I was he decided I was worth it and we got together. This was november 2016.

Then he was stationed in another state but still close enough to where one of us would always drive to the other for weekends and whenever he had leave. In march we actually broke up because I had hurt his feelings, i'll spare the details, but we ended up back together a month after and as if it never happened. Then we really were p e r f e c t.

Well in august, he got out of the Army and became a civilian. right around that time we moved in together which now looking back wasnt the best idea. He was struggling with finding a job, and finding himself and him not really handling money or the bills correctly caused stress on me, which then had me cause stress on him and vice versa. I could tell something had been off with him but i never actually pinpointed it to his PTSD symptoms.

He would drink himself to sleep, nightmares and night terrors, staring blankly into space, but he was never emotionally distant. Now looking back i feel so stupid for being naive and ignorant and not putting the pieces together, instead I only became frustrated with him. So about 2 1/2 weeks ago it got to be too much and he broke up with me and moved out. But then two days after came back. Not us being back together, but him just being with me. Hanging out with me, telling me he loved me, babe this baby that etc - and so I asked him what we were doing and if we were going to get back together and he just shut down and left again. Then a few days later, back again. It seems to be a push and pull dynamic right now.

He tells me he loves me, he tells me he misses me and needs me and im his safe place but does not want to be my boyfriend again. Which i just dont understand cause the only thing that has changed is that we dont live together. Everything else is somewhat the same.

Ive been reading alot of articles and forums and testimonies of other people to try and understand better.

There are times where he just wont speak, he'll look at me, but past me in a way. He will seem distant, and not there when i know 100% he loves me down to my bones. He tells me hes fighting demons that arent there and his mind is not right. he drinks all the time to numb himself, he said he retreats sometimes to a dark hole in his mind to protect himself from feeling hurt. That he does not like to be vulnerable and he even told me he has distanced himself emotionally from me. But he still tells me he loves me, he's still somewhat affectionate just not as much as before. The way he kisses me or looks me, he has to love me.

I just have a hard time with not having control. & right now i have no idea what to do,. i told him i would never give up on him and that i want him to be okay, but i also want him with me. Am i selfish for that? Do i just let this run its course and hope he'll want me back? Am i asking for too much for him to be committed to me, when in reality he's still here?

See what i mean about getting carried away? Sorry if i started rambling, its alot.
Anyone have any advice, words of encouragement; anything?
 
Hi @krisss I'm Omer from the anonymous thread. So funny we both said we are rambling and the holidays have been hard without reading the others post! :woot:

So, my 2 cents to your questions about being selfish and if you are asking for too much -

It's not selfish to love someone and want to be with them. But then again, love cam be selfish when we want something from someone they cannot give. That doesn't make you wrong. It makes you human.

I do think a commitment from him at this point is asking too much. I don't think he can do that at the moment considering what you have described and also from what he himself has told you. It's a sad and hard situation to be in. Trust me, I know how you are feeling! My guy has said the same thing to me yet obviously has strong feelings for me.

Your vet sounds like he is really struggling and you can't do much for him except support and be there for him if you choose to do that. I think he needs to seek help. Is he in treatment at all? My heart goes out to him for what he is suffering.

And my heart goes out to you too! Feel free to DM me if you just need someone to "listen" and talk to.
 
Hi everyone -

I'm new to this forum so I'm going to try to explain everything i can, in as little as i...
It’s so funny because like you, I’ve been there; almost at the same time. It’s started last December 2016, and we were getting so close and making thing work on a daily basis. The push and pull started in the summer (August), where he left me and ran back to his ex. Then came back to me to help him rid himself of his ex. Then break up in September and back together in October, only to break up right before Thanksgiving. I’ve learned that during their isolation moments (days, weeks, months) is where they need to figure things out and try to come back from the darkness. So give him some time; he should be returning. Also, try not to bring up the word,”relationship”, or, “love”, too much; it only causes vulnerability which they can’t always handle; which in turn could cause flight (him leaving). I believe my ex definitely needs therapy on the regular, but I don’t see that happening any time soon.

I hope I was able to shed some light on what I found to be the best way to support your partner and how to handle challenges when they arise. Good luck with being supportive and please remember to take care of yourself as well.
 
PTSD is a mental disorder with no cure. And being in a relationship with someone with PTSD is not easy!!

Some people drink, gamble, self harm, do drugs, avoidance, promiscuity and some isolate.

Decide if this is the life you can live with. If he's isolating. That's his way of dealing with his stress. And will probably always be the way he deals with stress.

That is until they seek treatment and stick with it.

XO
 
Has he gotten a diagnosis and any treatment?
It’s a rare thing for him to have treatment. At least, I’m not aware of treatment; but it doesn’t sound like he’s getting treatment too often. He used to say that it’s through the VA, and they weren’t doing much for him.
 
Hi @krisss I'm Omer from the anonymous thread. So funny we both said we are rambl...


Hi omer!

Thank you for your insight, i'm just so confused. I understand a "relationship" and commitment may be too much for him right now but isnt that technically what we're in already? I guess i'm just personally having trouble distinguishing between the both because of how we act already.

The only things that have changed are him not living with me, and im obviously nowhere to be found on any of his social media. I hope i'm not reading into that too much but, I feel like sometimes he doesnt want anyone to know we're still a thing? Like i said, maybe im reading into it too much.

I literally have so much to say, can you DM me? not too sure how it works.

It’s so funny because like you, I’ve been there; almost at the same time. It’s started last December...

Bj,
Has anything happened between the two of you recently? You also said "So give him some time; he should be returning" - what exactly do you mean by that?

& how do i know? meaning, the way we are right now is literally like we're still together. except the whole "title" aspect of it, so what am i supposed to do exactly? Do you think he'll be the one who says ok we're back together? - I guess i'm just really confused. Since we're basically in a relationship right now, without being in one technically speaking, for him - is there even a point to be back together? I don't know if im really enabling my chances if that makes sense.

Has he gotten a diagnosis and any treatment?
Unfortunately he is not, i have mentioned it to him before and he is head first on the fact that they don't help. He said he had to do it before getting out completely of the military and they didn't help him because they could never possibly understand. I even tried to see if he would like for me to join him on sessions to make it easier and he won't budge.
 
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Another thing i need some help with guys - or maybe I just need to vent -

Christmas just passed, and I don't really have family where I live or basically any really. He knows this, and well as I said in the first post - once we broke up and started doing okay again, I had asked if we were getting together again and he shut down. Well before that shut down, he had mentioned about Christmas eve doing something with his family, and spending Christmas together etc. Right after that shut down, (& us being somewhat okay again) - he never mentioned it again.

It was always " oh yeah im going to my cousins house for Christmas, or im doing this on Christmas eve with my family" but never included me. I would drop hints here and there about me being alone but still, nothing.

So Christmas eve comes and he spent it with his family, and on Christmas day same thing. Except i was on my couch alone, crying all day long. So he was texting me and would say things like "Im sorry i couldn't be there with you this morning - its just one day you'll be okay - i know the feeling of being alone on holidays (cause of his deployment) - If it makes a difference i'll be coming over later" & i was just so upset. So i stopped replying and he double texted me "did you die" cause i wasnt replying. & then I was being dry cause I personally can't pretend to be okay when I'm not, and he was just like whats wrong with you you have been dry to me all day and I'm needy and want your attention & all of that. Ugh I was just so upset with him. For him to say that he knows what it feels like and yet did nothing about it. & THEN, he came over. With a bunch of gifts.

& i felt bad, because why is that you can come do this but did not want me around your family. I've always hung out with his family this wouldnt have been the first time. Why did he do this?

& Yet i still, try to see about new years. & have mentioned it a few times about spending it together - all i get out of him is "maybe, or we'll see". What is it with him right now about the holidays? Why am i getting a maybe, and a we'll see?

I told him when he came over, I said why didnt you invite me to your families house, you knew I was here alone, & he goes " you never asked me, I wanted you to come out and flat ask me to come with me but you never did" & i was just like well I had been dropping hints and I wanted you to want me there, I didnt think I should have to ask to be invited to your families house for a holiday. I asked him if he was wanting to hide me, or if it was a commitment thing & he just said "I would never hide you, & you know I have never had any problem committing to you" and then that's basically all i got out of him.

That last part "I have never had any problem committing to you" - OKAY SO THEN WHAT'S GOING ON ???!!! :(

Sorry again for the rambling, it's alot. My friends don't really get it, and/or don't want to hear about it anymore.
 
In my experience its better to just go with the flow and not get caught up in definitions and assessing where you are at as a couple. Be his friend. Be solid for him and keep doing what you are doing for him. He is probably terrified of defining it as if, in his mind, if you are "in a relationship" then chances are he feels ill equipped and terrified of losing to.. It's a recipe for feeling incredibly vulnerable and that is utterly terrifying for a PTSD sufferer. I am one and so is my guy. My guy insisted "we are friends" and so even when we split up (he slept with his ex) and I realized that I couldn't stop loving him and wanting to be with his, I decided to go visit him after a while coz "that's what friends do." I respected his boundaries of friendship and of course, after a while sex came back into the equation and eventually we moved in together.

I always have him space, I never tried to corral him, just treated him with the same respect and honesty that I expected. To be honest, I wasn't ready for the moving in together thing, but he had his rental sold out from under him so I did what best friends do and put him and his son up. We are still.living together 4 years later.

Us PTSD sufferers often want to run away from people, we can suffer continuous waking nightmares and often night ones too. We don't want to drag others down with us so we try to quarantine ourselves. Unfortunately mental illness and distress can be infectious so we often feel the loving thing to do is separate ourselves from people we care about when we are suffering. Don't take his pulling away as a sign of loving you any less or not wanting you to be the most important person in his life, he has probably pulled away because he wants to keep you as the most important person in his life.
 
Don't take his pulling away as a sign of loving you any less or not wanting you to be the most important person in his life, he has probably pulled away because he wants to keep you as the most important person in his life.

That part right there made me so emotional. His sister has actually said something very close to that to me. That i'm basically all he has and he loves me so much. I guess from my perspective it's almost counter intuitive. He has seen me break down and cry and get really upset over him acting this way which has made him, in those times, retreat. So i get the whole him not wanting to bring me down with him thing.

I'm a somewhat anxious, and insecure person with him only because I literally believe he is the most perfect creature on this earth, even with his demons - and i worry someone else will find him to be just as perfect and want him too. Or that, he'll pull away from me so much he'll go to someone else. He reassures me he still loves me, and nothing has changed, that i'm still the most beautiful woman he knows, but again it's just hard to see it like that, which is why i push him sometimes.

I guess i should stop doing that.
 
That part right there made me so emotional. His sister has actually said something very close to that to...

It's perfectly natural and normal to feel vulnerable and insecure about losing him. I think that is just part of loving someone, especially in the early days. Try to get a grip on it though, he loves you, it takes tremendous courage to commit to loving someone and it's so scary to open up and feel how vulnerable we are because we never know how long we will be together. Try to just enjoy being in the moment with him, be present and allow his love for you to reassure you. I think you know that though. I think you've got this, but I know how scary and confusing it is.
My guy told me "don't wait for me, go out and live your life" so I did and eventually we ended up together but I had to let go so many times.
Us sufferers are flighty but real love and friendship that can stand the test of time can win us over. It just depends on so many factors though. To me, love is a miracle but miracles can happen.
 
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