Like the only one not included in the punchline of the joke. Stupid me.
My heart is sore. But maybe one part empty too, No other realistic conclusion to draw, given factuality. I guess, shunned. Foolish. Naive.
Happy to be off.
I hope you get a speedy resolve @Survivor3 . Will ask for that if that's ok?
Was thinking, actually, rejection or whatever, above, I have lots of practice from FOO, so not really a pblm for me, if I think about it. Just have to accept it as is and move on/ erase it from my memory/ mind.
Need much energy. Wish I was off tomorrow. That brings feelings of dread, exhaustion. I know if I'm ever out of there more than 2 weeks I'll never go back.
Not sure where to put this, feeling- ? Relieved, a little shaky. Guy got on late bus and bounced around looking out windows and ducking (including in front of me) like he was either hiding from someone or drugs (meth), or psychotic issues/ med issues. Driver talking to woman with very small therapy dog at front; she says she's taken 3 busses from very dangerous end of town and 2 busses passed her and did not stop for her. I did what I always do and tried to not make any confrontational eye contact/ be 'clueless'. Another girl acting like she didn't notice, as was a young guy doing the same. I shrunk from window in case anyone was actually going to take a shot at the guy, though thought more likely all the signs of meth use. All of a sudden about 3 blocks later the young guy says, "He's got your bag, drop her bag!", and the woman with the therapy dog in tow, she's heavy set and all I could think was I need to move her out of the way, heads to the guy at the back door (I am across from it). Young guy jumps up and fights with him at door. Guy punches good samaritan repeatedly and they struggle, gets one good punch into the good guy. Driver does nothing but can't close door because young guy says "I dropped something" (his phone). Ends up getting bag and phone back and we leave. All the while I did nothing helpful- came to me 911? (Driver should have surely called?); film it? But if guy had had a knife young guy would have been likely seriously injured, though young guy was linebacker size. And he was between me and guy, I was about 6 feet from guy who stole bag. But I didn't feel fear, and I was of zero help, froze. Except therapy dog came to me for comfort and I found the guy's glasses. All I could feel was a very sore ear from N95's .So I feel (now) kind of ashamed, kind of shaky. Then woman says to guy, "I work with the nuns and boy are you going to have lots of prayers!" Kind of glad I didn't walk. Very very thankful young guy was ok, very brave guy. Braver than me. i feel/ felt pretty disconnected/ frozen/ loaded down/ surreal. I feel relieved I can write it here. Shaky but I did nothing to help the young guy. Well no one really did, just like you always hear, but one of the 'no ones' was me.
I think what's difficult is who and what I trusted was all wrong. Idk what that feeling is. Despair? Bottomlessness? Home-less? Resourceless, unprotected? Off the radar? Idk. Disheartening. I give up on believing anything else is possible, in my lifetime.
I'm feeling a calming coming over me. I wrote my letter to my dad for open chair therapy on Thursday. I know it will be a rough day but I know its something I need to do. Every little pain comes healing.
Came home to being told in short haste I am crazy and should have my tongue cut out (?) because air conditioning has given out. Really, really tired. Of everything. I feel cursed, alone. Wondering what the point of this life is, for people like me. Worn out I guess. What's that saying? -~Where there's light it's light, but where there's darkness is the darkness ever so dark.
Relief, at a contractor who refused to take $, but think I will send in the mail, got a card and stamp. So very very kind.
Hot, but not as much as I could be.
Sad, dislike being hated but I missed the cues or hints in advance and I guess I earned it, and overstayed my welcome. Made a mistake and pushed past comfort zone today when I should just disappear. I wish I'd been better at 'getting the msg', left, and kept my mouth shut. I am too slow.
Ashamed disappearing is required.
Resigned, time to forget.
Gearing up, whole work day ahead.
Curious about a property arrangement someone created with the pandemic, 2 brothers or they are a couple, Idk. Sister find find out next week.
Better get moving, sad, numb, relieved, thankful, indigestion.