What can save my marriage?

Mabel

New Here
Hi, a pretty desperate wife here... I am "new" to the realization of CPTSD but I have been living with it all my life, I am just learning about it now.
I have been punishing and hating myself for years, couldnt find a job, lost four pregnancies in the last two years, and gradually lost myself. My husband and I we´re together for 12 years now and we are pretty co-dependent, but our relationship has always worked well, we ate a good team together, we talked to each other and helped each other a lot. We were "home" to each other. As my depression and suicidality deepend he became gradually more and more worried and subsequently desperate, he began to have severe anxiety attacks and he also became suicidal for a while. At some point I told him, that this would be the moment in my life where I would leave the relationship (as I have done in the past) in order to rebuild myself. First he said it´s gonna be alright, we can do this together, but the next day he sunk into a dark mood and when I asked what was going on, he said he was mourning our relationship. Ironically enough, the day before, when he said we can do this togehter, he did put my mind at ease and I have decided to pull through and recover without having to step out of our marriage. But he entered an extreme freeze mode, he insisted we should move into separate rooms, and he either worked or slept. Right after work he would go to sleep, and would come down only to eat or not even that. In weekends he would sleep until 3-4pm. In the meantime my abandonment anxiety just hit all the extremes. The worse I got, the worse he got as well.

So I said to myself that if I want to survive this I need to pull myself together, and thats what I am doing eversince. I have found a job and started working, I have found books about CPTSD and learned about emotional flashbacks and found so many answers to questions I always had about myself and my behaviour. But my husband stayed in some sort of state of shock. He says he doesnt feel that love for me anymore, he says that something has changed. And I feel that too, I look at him and he doesnt seem to be the same man, he has a different expression, he looks at me different. He is like in some sort of trance state. We barely ever touch each other now, (something we would do constantly, casually before) but now, if he occasionally hugs me, he gets completely drained and sleepy on a sudden. He shuts down.
I am at a loss. I feel that I am on my way to recover, I do stuff and I am definetely out of my comfort zone, socializing (some), working, going to the gym, doing the CPTSD work. But in the meantime he is frozen and distant (which spikes my anxiety to the rooftop every now and then). He tells me he is sorry, he just doesnt feel like he used to anymore, but I think he is mostly disassociated. Sometimes when I tell him I miss him, he says he misses himself too. We still love each other, somehow, beneath it all.
What can I do? I get a lot of advice from my family but I dont trust them all too much. I feel a time completely apart would be perhaps good, but I am in doubt. I have applied for a month of working abroad - but I´m not sure if I get it. I´m not sure if its a good idea either. But then again, living like this is hell. Waiting and hoping he comes to his senses, out of his denial, that he might one day see me again. That he wont be drained every time he has to think about us. I miss him, but I also love him and want to help. I am slowly coming to terms with the fact that he is distancing himself from me, if that´s what he needs I want to give that space to him. But to me this is extremely grinding. I would appreciate any insight, or suggestion. Thank you for reading this.
 

Sideways

Moderator
Welcome to the forum.

CPTSD is a serious mental illness, not one that can very often be licked with medical assistance and trauma-focused treatment. Do you have a therapist?
 

Mabel

New Here
We do both have (the same) therapist, but my confidence in her is quite low. I am looking for possibilities to find another one but the options around our small town are extremely limited... Also, my husband is quite reluctant to see a therapist, because he is convinced, that the problem is me and me alone. Evenso, he agreed to see this therapist eventually.
Welcome to the forum.

CPTSD is a serious mental illness, not one that can very often be licked with medical assistance and trauma-focused treatment. Do you have a therapist?
 

OliveJewel

MyPTSD Pro
Hi Mabel, I feel compelled to respond as your story reminds me a bit of my own codependent former marriage and you were asking for more responses.

To me it sounds like you’re both at different places in your recovery journeys, but also still framing your relationship from a place of codependency.

we are pretty co-dependent, but our relationship has always worked well,
When you are steeped in codependent behavior then codependency works well, as it’s what you are most familiar and comfortable with.
First he said it´s gonna be alright, we can do this together, but the next day he sunk into a dark mood
Rather typical codependent behavior, in my experience.
if I want to survive this I need to pull myself together,
This is not codependent language 🏆which unfortunately would be difficult for a partner trained in codependency to understand.
that he might one day see me again. That he wont be drained every time he has to think about us.
I don’t think he can see you or the two of you until he sees himself. I think if you want to support him you have to encourage him to seek himself for himself, which is foreign and opposing to codependency. Since you two have 12 years of codependent behavior together, I don’t know how you could do it without a therapist focused on the communication between and behavior toward each other.
extremely grinding.
Yes. I’m sorry there’s not a shorter, easier way. If it’s any consolation, just about everyone on this site has been in the grinder for varying lengths of time, and many of us write about it to get through it. It rises and falls, the grind.
Nobody…?
If any of this is not useful please ignore. If you like writing as a way to process I encourage you to start a trauma diary. Welcome.
 

Movingforward10

MyPTSD Pro
We do both have (the same) therapist, but my confidence in her is quite low.
You see the same therapist separately? I would share the low confidence in her for that reason....


I don't know what to say in response to your question. Have you shared how you feel with your husband? You can't save a marriage on your own. He needs to want to do that too, and you work on it together.

Do you think this is a phase that can be overcome? Relationships sometimes go into quite difficult places for a period. It sounds as though you both care deeply for each other.
What would working abroad do to fix your relationship? Sounds as though that would give you space, but the underlying issues would still be there? (Not saying don't do it, as sounds great for you, but just about expectations about what it will do).

What do you want and how do you want to get there?
 
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