What could’ve brought you comfort with the trauma?

Charbella

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First I had no idea where to put this so if it needs to be moved, have at it.

I was thinking about how so many people struggle with the care they didn’t receive when the trauma happened. Then I started wondering, What would that look like? I mean what kinds of words of comfort can anyone provide that helps a 10 year old CSA victim feel anything but terrible?

What do you say to a victim of rape that somehow could help them be whole again?

It’s kind of like what can anyone say to the war vet that could bring them comfort for the people they killed and the comrades they lost?

How do you bring comfort to someone who’s been through something so terrible? I honestly can’t think of anything. Like nothing would be significant enough to actually make any sort of difference.

Maybe it’s a symptom of the issue that I can think of nothing that would change how that memory is held.

Hopefully someone has something that can help me see it differently.
 
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I have no PTSD, I am just trying to be a supporter
I have not lived so terrible situations in my life as you describe, but I had situations that were traumatic for me, like the lost of a baby or find my (now ex) husband f*cking with the woman who was supposed to be my friend
In that situations, nothing could be said to make me feel better. My baby was dead and nothing could be said to change that
That moments are like a fog in my mind, but I remember that some friends were there. They knew that I was feeling bad and they came house so I was not alone. I dont remember what they said. I only remember that I was crying and complete destroyed but they were there, eating a pizza or something with me, and their presence made me feel better. I still felt so bad, but a little better. For me, it made a difference.
 
I wondered what care would look like post rape or post things. And I took that first rape to think about. For me it would have been someone telling me that it was rape that happened, and that it was the other person's fault not mine. I imagined someone helping washing my clothes, rather than me dealing with them (they had blood on them). Taking some of the responsibility and care.
And intervening so that things like that didn't happen again.

So essentially:
Understanding what happened
Knowing where the blame and responsibility of what happened should lie
Showing me care through actions and words
Giving comfort
Intervening to stop future things
Understanding the impact and helping through it.


Otherwise: being on your own..... that's when you turn it in on yourself. Blame yourself. Make it not have happened because it's too much to deal with. Hating yourself as that seems the logical thing to do. No one cares enough to notice so how unloveable and hateful must I be? Etc etc etc.
So not having care, makes it a billion times worse.
 
I don't think anything would have comforted me but I do believe being validated would have made a difference.

Just someone telling me "that really did happen, that was real" instead of always being told "that didn't happen". As a young girl being told things weren't real really f*cked with my head and made everything so much worse in the long run.
 
Sounds like people just being there is common.

I struggle with this. When something happens I just really want to be alone. Yes I get this is linked to the way trauma was handled in my experience but it also is more. Now I my awkward factor is multiplied by 100 when someone does attempt to be there. Even T, he says things meant as comfort and it’s like he said the couch is black.
 
How do you bring comfort to someone who’s been through something so terrible? I honestly can’t think of anything. Like nothing would be significant enough to actually make any sort of difference.
Yup. There is nothing anyone can really say to make another feel better after significant trauma. Even when you have experienced similar, it does not mean you feel exactly the same.

This is the tricky part IMO. You can't make someone feel better, but you can empathize with them, share your experience, your feelings, what worked for you, but at the end of the day, every single person is unique and thus they have to absorb as much information as possible to work out for themselves what it is that will help them feel better.

So maybe that is the answer, in itself? The comforting words is that you are unique, you need to absorb all the experiences and information pertinent to their experience and then use that information to formulate a plan that is unique to themselves!

That is kind of what this place is built upon, my experience sitting in a group, my experience around others with significant trauma, my experience in what worked for me. What I found is that a person couldn't tell me the solution, they couldn't make me feel better, it was entirely up to me to find that answer for me, uniquely. What worked though was all that shared experience and information, followed by years of self-learning.

I remember reading book after book on PTSD, trauma, types of therapy, and from every book, I would get maybe a few bits of information, or a technique that actually worked for me. I didn't look at it like - what a waste of time to spend days reading a book for such a small outcome, but instead I was investing in myself, and I expected that to take years to achieve, so a couple of days per book to get one or two pertinent things that worked for me, followed by the weeks and months experimenting with ideas and concepts, was all worth the eventual outcome.

Nobody could tell me how to feel better, no amount of shared experience could make me feel better, but I found my better from all of that experience and knowledge, shared or sought out.

I wish there was a magic fix to help someone.
 
i don't believe it is that far different than helping someone through disfiguring physical trauma. nothing can change the fact that ^it^ happened. the best you can do is be there for them while they learn to live with ^it^.
 
today, with sworn reporters and child services, the chances of being passed over and left in my hell would be much less. In 1972-1976 i didnt have a chance.
When i was being beaten and brainwashed i wouldn’t have been believed after the social workers pulled up to the house and saw the dirt bikes and the boat, the family dogs and the new truck and the stocked kitchen with milk in the fridge. It would have been dismissed out of hand and i would have caught a few more blows and a few more days in the basement.
Today, it would at least get investigated and reviewed. And the right words might get said: “we believe you”.
bottom line, unless someone said “come stay with us” it would end up the same. A 14 yr old kid would be couch surfing and getting into scrapes for a few years. Damage done, wasnt stopped, we can hope for better going forward.
One thing came of all this personal disgust with the system as it was. I am a sworn reporter and i am a damn good one. On an emergency scene kids are looking for someone on their side and i was the firefighter with all the kids trust, it was easy. I was on their side, it was what they needed and i gave it freely.
 
There are so many gaps in my memory I can’t say for sure but I do not think I was ever hugged as a child.The first hugs I can remember were in Jr High when I discovered girls. When I hug my wife it is like nirvana. I am sure my attachment issues have something to do with this. That said, never underestimate the power of a hug at the right time.
 
Does anyone else struggle with people who try to provide comfort? Like, I hear it, I can tell the intent of the words, they just fall flat. I have zero emotional connection to it. Which only gives me more reason to over analyze the situation. What response are they looking for? What do they want me to say or do in response to their words? I end up staring blankly into space with no words…
 
Does anyone else struggle with people who try to provide comfort? Like, I hear it, I can tell the intent of the words, they just fall flat. I have zero emotional connection to it. Which only gives me more reason to over analyze the situation. What response are they looking for? What do they want me to say or do in response to their words? I end up staring blankly into space with no words…
When you haven't had something it's hard to know how to deal with it.
I often get surprised that someone might feel something in response to what I tell them. Like E getting upset or angry on my behalf. I have to understand why.

I think when someone offers comfort they are doing that because they care, they want your pain to reduce and they want to help. I think they hope that these things will happen, but it's also ok if they don't?
 

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