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What did i do to deserve this?

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pamcoco

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Forever it seems I have been saying that I can’t do this anymore. "This" is the struggle, the conflict, the upheaval. It is more physical than emotional these days, I am numb in my soul as my health continues to dive.

The numbness serves me, keeping me a safe distance from what feels unbearable sometimes, The muscle spasms, the arthritis, the crawling skin. I must have thought that with time I would find my way to the doctors needed, the symptoms would lessen, the torture would end. Or maybe that is the unending hope. “This too shall pass.”

But it doesn’t. It hasn’t. The burst of motivation I mustered for the decade has lost it’s peaks and only an occasional song on the radio, cocktail in my cup and creativity in sight gives me the rhythm to progress.

Summertime is rough here in Eugene. The heat makes it very difficult to concentrate on anything but the rash. Although now my left ear sloshes with agony and even laying down creates the spins. Treating a sinus infection I began hard core antibiotics 2 days ago. I could not possibly describe the migraine I am now facing.

All I can do is weep. I can continue, certainly. But I don’t f-ing want to. I don’t want to do this anymore. Is this SI? Not necessarily, but lacking any more clarity or will power to find the cure it seems that is the obvious resort. I don’t remember myself or life before the torture. Honestly, I cannot recall ever feeling ok.

I will receive test result back for Lyme in 4 days, something I went to a lab on my own, just to rule out. Either positive or negative, this tests creates as many questions as it answers. So where on earth do I go from here?

Becoming too sick to work it seems I must arrive at new possibilities for healing next week. My life has halted and without this there is nothing.

It has been so very long. I have lost a chunk of my life with only very vague memories minus those viscerally imbedded in my startle response.

What have I done to deserve this?
 
You didn't do anything to deserve this. Seems not matter what I say it is going to sound trite compared to what you are experiencing..but I did hear you. I can only share what is happening to me now... I have had chronic pain for many years, and been on this journey twice as long... but am now really discovering how much pain my body has held all these years....
And it seems the more core issues that are revisited , at different level, my body is responding, by getting better. So much less pain, So much less everything. It is working. and I do feel a drastic change in my body... I never paid any attention to my body, hated it, but now, things are healing, I am healing on a deeper level, I never knew the amount of pain I have not expressed.... until it got to the point I could hardly walk without out pain...
I am sorry I can not remember the name of the book or author, but it's about our body holding the pain. There are many books out now about this.... don't give up... just try reading one of them... and see if any of it helps.... I do understand the hopelessness of continuing on with our body screaming at us on every turn...it is worth a chance... it is.. you are, I am, we are worth one more try....
Sending you gentle hugs if you accept. I do understand.
 
I moved to venta a year ago. I am fifty miles away, but I mine as well be in china.
I see your suffering. You don't deserve this. It is not a punishment. This is a problem you have to overcome. It sounds like you have been through a lot and dont have much left.
When I was where you were at, the thing that nailed me to the floor more then anything was feeling lost. I battled with it on my own for much longer than I should have. I never saw an ounce of improvement until I reached out to somebody. Is there anybody you can ask for help?
 
Today I went online to check my results which are positive for Lyme disease. My boyfriend of 1.5 yrs has tried endlessly to locate that key that fits my lock. The one that will reduce all symptoms, pain and suffering. God bless him since everyone left long ago. But I have been positive for many things, none of the cures seemed to help.

Out of bed after 5 days in bed, just the average sleep. My head pounding, the responsibilities overflowing. Too bored of the pain to stay in bed while too much suffering for freedom.
 
I have been declared crazy, threatened with hospitalization and conservatorship confronted with mis-perceived lies as truth, told I am ungrateful, insolent, self absorbed and delusional. All the while begging on my hands and knees for help, benefit of the doubt, memory of what I once was, or at the very least forgiveness that I cannot control… Yet nothing permeated them.

Tell me what is wrong and I will take the cure.
 
Is there anybody you can ask for help?

I have been searching my soul for honesty about this question, Prough. I find I am a bit blinded by the past. I did nothing but ask, beg, pray for help for so long only to finally accept the fact that for whatever reason, my vulnerability has been crushed on the way to the pulpit that crucifies me. And with this damnation they have left in droves, feeling justified to spread the seed.

Yesterday I realized I am the one that crucifies me most. We are brought up in the society that judges us, really holding the same beliefs and values. This seem utterly obvious now. Especially from the sexual assaults, too broken and reactionary to break it down, they mimicked some voice inside me about being a slut, asking for it, always the victim since I should have known and prevented it. I must be exaggerating so I appear more pure, when really I am responsible. If I were to choose one pain that defines ptsd for me it is shame. Like a deep, revolting guilt that never ends.

What kind of help am I looking for? Ideally all kinds I imagine but is medical help the priority you refer to?
 
Good old guilt. Really has a knack for screwing up the math. It can make you think that going to a hospital is a threat. It can make you think that hanging out all day with somebody that crucifies you, calls you a slut, and brutally criticizes your action without relent is somehow safer. If you wanna know whats wrong, and the cure, and medical help, they keep that stuff in hospitals. It sounds like one is already trying to reach out to you. Might wanna take em up on their threat.
 
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