pamcoco
Sponsor
Forever it seems I have been saying that I can’t do this anymore. "This" is the struggle, the conflict, the upheaval. It is more physical than emotional these days, I am numb in my soul as my health continues to dive.
The numbness serves me, keeping me a safe distance from what feels unbearable sometimes, The muscle spasms, the arthritis, the crawling skin. I must have thought that with time I would find my way to the doctors needed, the symptoms would lessen, the torture would end. Or maybe that is the unending hope. “This too shall pass.”
But it doesn’t. It hasn’t. The burst of motivation I mustered for the decade has lost it’s peaks and only an occasional song on the radio, cocktail in my cup and creativity in sight gives me the rhythm to progress.
Summertime is rough here in Eugene. The heat makes it very difficult to concentrate on anything but the rash. Although now my left ear sloshes with agony and even laying down creates the spins. Treating a sinus infection I began hard core antibiotics 2 days ago. I could not possibly describe the migraine I am now facing.
All I can do is weep. I can continue, certainly. But I don’t f-ing want to. I don’t want to do this anymore. Is this SI? Not necessarily, but lacking any more clarity or will power to find the cure it seems that is the obvious resort. I don’t remember myself or life before the torture. Honestly, I cannot recall ever feeling ok.
I will receive test result back for Lyme in 4 days, something I went to a lab on my own, just to rule out. Either positive or negative, this tests creates as many questions as it answers. So where on earth do I go from here?
Becoming too sick to work it seems I must arrive at new possibilities for healing next week. My life has halted and without this there is nothing.
It has been so very long. I have lost a chunk of my life with only very vague memories minus those viscerally imbedded in my startle response.
What have I done to deserve this?
The numbness serves me, keeping me a safe distance from what feels unbearable sometimes, The muscle spasms, the arthritis, the crawling skin. I must have thought that with time I would find my way to the doctors needed, the symptoms would lessen, the torture would end. Or maybe that is the unending hope. “This too shall pass.”
But it doesn’t. It hasn’t. The burst of motivation I mustered for the decade has lost it’s peaks and only an occasional song on the radio, cocktail in my cup and creativity in sight gives me the rhythm to progress.
Summertime is rough here in Eugene. The heat makes it very difficult to concentrate on anything but the rash. Although now my left ear sloshes with agony and even laying down creates the spins. Treating a sinus infection I began hard core antibiotics 2 days ago. I could not possibly describe the migraine I am now facing.
All I can do is weep. I can continue, certainly. But I don’t f-ing want to. I don’t want to do this anymore. Is this SI? Not necessarily, but lacking any more clarity or will power to find the cure it seems that is the obvious resort. I don’t remember myself or life before the torture. Honestly, I cannot recall ever feeling ok.
I will receive test result back for Lyme in 4 days, something I went to a lab on my own, just to rule out. Either positive or negative, this tests creates as many questions as it answers. So where on earth do I go from here?
Becoming too sick to work it seems I must arrive at new possibilities for healing next week. My life has halted and without this there is nothing.
It has been so very long. I have lost a chunk of my life with only very vague memories minus those viscerally imbedded in my startle response.
What have I done to deserve this?