What Do I Owe My Ex?

[PreciousChild]

I recently posted about my ex, and it has opened up a whole can of worms. I began to realize how much my choice of him was a function of my dysfunction and how much he exactly serves as a sub for my father in my ptsd drama. I'm having so much trouble getting clarity about boundaries because it relates to the same confusions I had with my parents.

My basic question is how much do I owe him as the father of my son and someone who used to be a friend?

I get mad because he's an incompetent dad who does 1% of the parental lifting and still doesn't give me the child support he owes. I decided to hand over a child-related task today after years of doing everything myself, and he totally flubbed it. Keep in mind that he has not ever once took my 12 year old son to a dentist appointment, doctor's appointment, therapy appointment, and most every other thing. This time, his mess up was out of pure mistake rather than unwillingness, but it amounts to the same thing - my son did not get to his soccer game because my ex looked at the wrong schedule. That triggered me because I grew up taking care of everyone but myself, and it felt like another bomb in my attempt to hand over more responsibility and focus on myself more. My ex himself gets triggered by any suggestion that he's incompetent. His family gave him nothing to do as a kid because they didn't trust him. It was very undermining.

I've always felt very sorry for him, so I would go out of my way to tolerate some pretty crazy stuff - once for example, he dropped me off at a doctor's appointment for minor procedure in the morning, and then went to park the car. But I didn't see him again until later that night. Apparently, he made a wrong turn, got lost and drove for 8 hours just lost. ???? I hobbled home on the foot I had the procedure on, and when I talked to him that night, he wanted me to feel sorry for him because of how lost he got. ???? Who understands how a grown person gets lost within a few miles of home for 8 hours??? Everyday was a test of my sanity. But it made me feel needed and I didn't know how else to be but to be working hard for someone else, especially a warped, distorted, narcissistic individual who just like my dad gave me nothing in return. But on the surface, he was nothing like my dad because he was passive (aggressive) whereas my dad was aggressive. As the years grew, he came to both use me and began to shift blame for all of his problems on me who was willing to take it.

But now, I don't care. I work so hard to take care of my son, both financially and emotionally. I was mad that he dropped the ball yet again. I have a right to be mad, but I'm still swimming with emotions about how much I owe him. Will I make it worse for him? Did I trigger his gambling compulsion?

I am so exhausted. I want to be able to expect grown up behaviors from him. If I don't get it, I don't want to be drawn into emotional turmoil. I've worked hard to overcome my ptsd and get better for my son. My ex does nothing to get help. That's not my problem.

 

[EveHarrington]

I don't think you owe him anything but civility for the sake of your son.

If normal everyday things send him over the edge----it's on him.

 

[anonymous]

He drove around for 8+ hours, trying to find the car park? Really?...

I have a horrid sense of direction. I once got lost on a highway. Found myself in the wrong city. But that's just absurd.

Either he was lying to cover up something, or he should be a drama school teacher, giving lessons in how to be a martyr.

If it really is true, I wouldn't want to leave my kid with him either.

@EveHarrington hit it right on. You don't owe him squat.

 

[Neverthesame]

Oops, hit the anon by mistake. That was me. ^^^

 

[Sighs]

My ex doesn't have PTSD and neither do I. He also has never taken our daughter to an appointment or a sporting activity. Beyond his abilities apparently. You cannot make him a good father. And your son will decide for himself what he thinks of his dad. My daughter is now 18. She loves her dad and sees him from time to time but she knows that she cannot rely on him for anything because he is useless.

You can't change him. You can't force him to accept more responsibility. You're better off making your own arrangements to get your boy where he needs to be - whether you drive him there or arrange a lift with another soccer mum or whatever. Then you can focus on yourself without the stress.

 

[PreciousChild]

Thanks everyone. It's so funny because when I read your comments, they make so much sense, but when I'm in the grips of being triggered, I can't see it. I guess since my parents didn't give me proper socialization, I'm still very unsure about what is reasonable or not.

Thanks Eveharrington. You always seem so sensible. I needed to hear that. As a kid, I remember feeling like I was going to suffocate from being around my dad and would get dizzy from the emotional turmoil inside myself. Yet I gave him my all. My dad had a severe injury, which he milked for all it was worth. I was serving him hand and foot since I was a young child. But of course, my own needs and happiness never mattered and never was given a thought. It's amazing - I don't have to give a shit. Why is that so hard?

He drove around for 8+ hours, trying to find the car park? Really?...

Neverthesame, I do think he's played things up because he knew which buttons to push. After feeling like I was evil for something he accused me of, I would sometimes stand up for myself to find that he was bluffing. But I can still fall for it because his tricks hit a deep nerve, at least until recently. The last time he pulled something, I was more like 'who the hell are you?' But believe it or not, my ex is capable of getting lost 8+ hours. The last time I gave him any responsibility for my son prior to the soccer game was taking my son to a birthday party. He didn't write down the address, just memorized the street. On that street, he walked from one end of town to the other with my son in tow, and called me after a few hours to tell me that he's lost and couldn't find the party. I called the parent of the birthday boy and asked her to find my ex so that he could make it for the cake. Yes, I married a guy like that. I even sacrificed money and my own career goals so that he could finish his GED. I'm pretty book smart and have a graduate degree but put that in jeopardy to support him. LOOONG story.

You can't change him. You can't force him to accept more responsibility. You're better off making your own arrangements to get your boy where he needs to be - whether you drive him there or arrange a lift with another soccer mum or whatever. Then you can focus on yourself without the stress.

Sighs, thank you!! That's sort of what I've been doing, but I kept thinking to myself how maybe I'm sabotaging my happiness by doing everything myself like I did when I was a kid. But I think when it comes to my son's welfare, it's not a matter of anything except whether he benefits or not. I am totally good with devoting my time and energy to my son and putting off dating and such. He's a well-adjusted kid (for the most part) and has special needs (kind of like his dad), and I want to make sure he gets support so that he can turn out better adapted than his dad.

Thanks again. I've been processing a lot of emotions and am grateful for the reality checks here.