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What i would say to my inner child.

419can.dance

Confident
A letter to my inner child.

Thank you for being so dang tough! I couldn’t imagine surviving what you have! Today I am weak and weary thinking and healing from all this pain. Pain that you have survived. Pain that no one should have to go through.

Standing where I am today I am blown away with the courage you showed in the face of evil. Thank you for all you did to keep going. I have had people ask me how I survived through this and honestly I don’t know. They say I survived. I feel I am barely surviving. You carried all of that weight for me. And in reality you still do. Today is still hard with the anxiety disassociation and suicidal ideation. We have a belt for a perfect his coping skills you mastered at six years old. Never knowing the depth of this inescapable a Buse. But in current reality there is safety, the kind you never mailed. And I know you are exhausted by all the inner battles the flashbacks, that dreams, and therapy with you should have never been responsible for I want to tell you today you are no longer. Never again responsible for dealing with this pain. Because, now, I am an adult. Not the adult you are used to. Not the kind that tells you lies, gained your trust, then invades your boundaries. Not the manipulative adult that tells you it’s your fault. I am the adult with your best interest in mind. This is the adult that will never allow any harm to you.

This is me, you, just older And, I want what you want. I want peace.
 
When I look upon a sea so blue
I can’t help but to think of you
All the days you’ve hurt me so
You would think by now I would have let go
But the pain I feel deep inside
I should no longer have to hide
The way you made me get undressed
Still today has me so stressed
The way you used to hold back my hair
I feel it now and still hard to bear
My emotions in knots
My head in dark thoughts
Just starting to heal
Just starting to feel
Where your “love” broke me down
I shall one day wear a crown
One day high I will soar
One day I will surely win this war
 
Sometimes I wander why my brain tends to focus so much on the negativity. I had an absolutely great day and the next thing I know I walk by someone in the coffee shop with a familiar scent that just takes me right back to my abuser! I know logically that makes now sense. I know I am physically in the here and now. But emotionally I am 6 years old again. I feel a complete lack of control. I am sweating and hypervigilant over people looking at me. I feel like the are all watching me drink my coffee. I know they can tell my brain is elsewhere. They can see I am struggling just to hold it together. My reaction... just don’t move! So now I am stuck. I can’t leave this seat or they will know I am fleeing the scene! Ugh. Come on Dancer!!
 
That's really normal for those of us with PTSD. Your brain is trying to protect you. It's making those false associations and telling you to get out, right now, or something terrible is going to happen.

That's when grounding skills really help. Breathe. Notice where you are. You are safe. You're completely safe.
 
That's really normal for those of us with PTSD. Your brain is trying to protect you. It's making those false associations and telling you to get out, right now, or something terrible is going to happen.

That's when grounding skills really help. Breathe. Notice where you are. You are safe. You're completely safe.

I know. I am trying so hard. The coffee shop is typically one of my safe places but the smell took all my safety... I feel like I am completely failing right now. I’m trying to just breath and look at my phone. Don’t look up. Grounding is so much harder in public.
 
You're doing well though!! You're posting here, which is great! Remember, no one can tell what's going through your mind. Everyone around you just thinks you're playing on your phone. No big deal.

You are safe. You're in the coffee shop. It's 2019. You are safe.
 
Have you tried to talk to your inner child at that time. Having your adult self come forward to talk and show your inner child, that you ( adult self) will protect her ( inner child).
I hope I explain it in an understanding way?
 
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