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What is it you're not saying?

Discussion in 'Avoidance' started by Mach123, May 6, 2018.

  1. Mach123

    Mach123 Well-Known Member Premium Member Donated

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    I feel everyone holding back or is it me? Do you want to say some real stuff and punch that anonymous button? Is it only when you read something someone else said? What if you could say anything you wanted and not worry about a critical answer or a question that means "you said that wrong, you did that wrong, explain yourself!" Go ahead, say it. Don't even think about if or not it makes sense. Posting here in this thread means never having to say you're sorry.
     
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  3. CatInTree

    CatInTree Active Member

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    I want to come back
     
    Abstract and Mach123 like this.
  4. CatInTree

    CatInTree Active Member

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    So I've been back for an hour at the time I'm starting this and I'm already on the verge of leaving again.

    People keep saying I have a right to be here but I can't wrap my head around it.

    What I'm not saying?

    I spend all my awake time and quite a bit of my asleep time (just changed my music with the next button, got to "Remember Me" and figured I should stop hitting the button)...

    Whatever I do I'm constantly aware that there are people who are dead because of me.

    For all I know they could have friends and family here.

    I'm obviously too weak to not at least lurk here.

    But all this about how I deserve to be a part of a community?

    In the past when I've tried having this conversation it's as if something gets lost in translation or something.

    I'm not questioning my diagnosis.

    I'm well aware that I'm diagnosed because I've gotten other people killed. That's the part that makes me different. I'm not here because someone else did something to me. I'm here because of what I've done to others. After everything that gets the rest of the community together I can't figure out why you insist on welcoming someone like me.
     
  5. jade53

    jade53 Active Member Donated

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    Thanks for your concern, but after holding back all that happened to me for about 20 years because I knew my mother couldn't cope with that on top of my brother finding his 21 year old son dead on the floor the next morning after hearing the thump in the night and not bothering to see what it was.

    I've had enough of coming out of the closet about my PTSD and being accused of suddenly making it up, apparently like he feels it's a sick competition. I'm apparently just trying to and steal his thunder and have no sympathy after our mother passed two years ago.
    Now I'm back to wishing I could have given the idiots that thought I was interested in what they were doing instructions on how to kill someone.properly.

    Am I wrong saying that it doesn't sound like there was much intent for the outcome and that might be the answer?
    Aside from what I wrote below yours, about my dilemma, just before coming here I wrote to one of my former colleagues about his problem and why we shouldn't blame ourselves for the deaths of others?
     
    Last edited by a moderator: May 6, 2018
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  6. Phantom Shadow

    Phantom Shadow Active Member Donated

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    I have said the same thing many times .I still see there faces to this day.
     
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  7. somerandomguy

    somerandomguy Learning how to be myself Premium Member

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    I WANT YOU TO SUPPORT ME! Not second-guess me. Not tell me what YOU think I need.

    YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT I NEED. You have no idea what it's like.
     
  8. Mach123

    Mach123 Well-Known Member Premium Member Donated

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    Grammar diction and spelling mean a lot to me and misspelled words or incorrectly used words are awful. I use a grammar checker but I think it misses things. Usage is hard and it's easy to misuse words like minuet for minute because it won't pick that up. Rudeness, though I've done it so often out of my "affliction," is incomprehensible to me. To too and two I am always unsure about. I often can't say what I want when I'm insure how to use the proper words. Writing on here was very hard at first because of this. I still find a lot of mistakes when I proof read, I guess I don't like to read what I wrote? Sometimes other voices say things and I'm like 'don't say that.' It's looked at like snobbery in some circles you know like "oh he thinks he's better than us." God, I hate that. My wife won't let me swear. I love that. It's so strange that in one of my parts I love to say it and in another, I hate to hear it.
     
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  9. jade53

    jade53 Active Member Donated

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    You're better than I was when I wrote sentences that were more like writing code, with the end of the sentence at the beginning. I think I'm over it now and thank Bill Gates for saving a forest.
    .
     
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  10. Mach123

    Mach123 Well-Known Member Premium Member Donated

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    I make deals with myself. I buy myself off and I blackmail me. If I can do this I can do that. If this happens, I can't do that. Who's in charge here?
     
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  11. Mee

    Mee Well-Known Member

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    In order to try and get in touch with my anger sometimes plot comedy revenge schemes. This backfires because the idea of enacting them is delightful and that I am too much if a rule abider to egg a car or something makes me feel stupid
     
  12. Mach123

    Mach123 Well-Known Member Premium Member Donated

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    What about the silent one? I look at the world through those eyes and I see but there are no words. The ears hear. They come to listen, they hear the therapist. Why will you not speak?
     
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  13. jade53

    jade53 Active Member Donated

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    um, in my case it was because I got tired of people that couldn't differentiate between fact or fiction and my vibrant personality dealing with some of the common misconceptions that people wouldn't believe before. I mean I've even got the report that the psychiatrist got the psychologist to rewrite when he must have realized what I was planning to do after he told the court that he hadn't been treating me for PTSD and my original got burned up in a fire.

    I brought it up once before that the new one said that I told him I didn't have a problem with PTSD anymore and had foolishly thought psychiatrists took some kind of hypocritical oath that prevented them from committing perjury..
     
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