What Is On Your Mind Right This Second?


New Here
That's tragic. Both my grandfathers suffered and suffer from Alzheimer's. My mother and aunt just placed my grandfather in a NICE nursing home, because he literally needs round-the-clock care. In my humble opinion, all you can do with an Alzheimer's patient is reassure them that they will not be forgotten. You will probably always remember him...Alzheimer's is so insidious. Blessings

This is my first post. Right now I am thinking about the to-go bag I used to keep in the closet of my room when my ex-husband lived with me. It had a change of clothes and undergarments, my medication, cigarettes, my cat's medication, and probably some other things. I had an agreement with a fellow teacher who lived in the same tiny, little town that I could walk to her parents' house any time day or night, and they would let me stay for the night. I can see the bag itself--I can feel it. I hated it. I thought I had forgiven him, but in my EMDR session yesterday, I realized how much rage I still have toward him. I know hating is moral or healthy--but I want him to hurt as badly as I do. He broke me. I just want to cry.


that I cannot believe I am at this place. After doing the job for over a year I got a new boss and an intern and at the end of the internship, they gave her the position I had been doing before either of them showed up. All the efforts I had put into getting that promotion were entered into a portion of my review that only weighted 20% of the total. Great score, but low weight. the rest of the review made up the other 80% and I scored well, but average and where I am in my current position that led me to a zero wage adjustment. I needed that promotion and the room to advance. instead, my 34 year career just became a dead end job.
My wife, who suffered an infection after a hip surgery and had to be home cared and given round the clock infusions because she smoked after promising her doctor that she wouldn't and promising me that she wouldn't just got caught smoking. And lying about it, and blaming it on me because i got on her case about a foul smell in the kitchen that I quickly traced to a garbage can full of some festering liquid that she says she knows nothing about. Two of us live here, she put something in there and is now lieing about it, She smoked because I got on her case. Bullshit, more lies.
She says she went to the store and bought a pack and took two out, smoked one and brought one home and gave the rest to "a mexican lady in line behind her". I drove that car this morning, the seat was adjusted for me. She says she drove it today, but the seat still fits me. I have video of every car that comes or goes, and there is none of that car leaving. video of me leaving, coming back, even video of me moving her car earlier but nothing of her leaving or returning.
so there is a lot on my mind, and not much of it is making me feel worthy of respect or even the truth.
Biggest thing on my mind? lack of appreciation from anyone in my life for everything I do for them, oh boo hoo hoo. I guess this is where I start my life of quiet desperation.
@enough , just a random thought.. but ciggies (nicotine) are more than an addiction or choice (including a moral one) if someone is physiologically requiring a stimulant (also sugar, coffee). (Eg latest research I had heard with ADHD was to find a a new non-addictive drug that was based on the nicotinamide molecule). Maybe what she appears to be craving, or breaking dr's orders, or lying to you about,, has something more inclined to that? And by extrapolation a replacement med (if applicable) with the same benefits may fuflill what her body is demanding because it actually does need it, to aproximate normal? (Just a humble thought). I realize how maddening it can be, how hurt and frustrated a person can feel.

Was thinking, today/ tomorrow were triggering days/ dates. Today many years ago my dad fell through the door carrying his grips from a cab. Didn't forewarn my mom he was coming from work (20+ hr flight) to not worry her. Cried a bit when he got through the door and said it was the hardest thing he ever did in his life, didn't think he would make it. Refused to go to the hospital until the next day. Oddly, he could afford the chartered flight from money he saved from small bi-weekly line check by quitting smoking. Could stop no problem, always amazed me.

And was in what was just like nearly a hospital twice this weekend. Come to realize it that was awfully triggering too.


I stopped almost twenty years ago, but I did it the "easy' way. I was laid up in a hospital bed tethered to the bed, and even if I could have got to my feet I probably would have forgot about sneaking out when I couldn't feel much below my ribs. Later, when I was getting ready to go home soon and being allowed to walk around a bit, I was still tethered to a pain med dispenser, and any cravings were quickly doused by the stronger opiate buzz. By the time I had been away from smoking for almost a month and home, i couldn't stand the smell of the place. I ditched all my ashtrays, washed my clothes non stop for a few days, things like that. To this day, the smell of a cigarette in traffic will make me pull my t shirt over my nose until we are moving again. i smelled her cigarette last night from an open bedroom window like 70-80 feet away from her.
With the harm she is doing to herself, and the risk of a virus that leaves you gasping for oxygen, she should know better. She has been disabled almost ten years and I support her every need, surely I deserved some honesty? Maybe even the opportunity to help her if she was having a tough time. She blames me and my getting on her case for the mess in the kitchen, but in reality she had those cigarettes when she woke up that day, maybe for several days or even weeks.
Thats what I am thinking about, right this second and many others like it, 24/7 for a while I bet.
I was thinking of these ridiculous nightmares I had the other night- night terrors, though I don't think that's the right term (only for kids). But the ridiculous part was: the 1st one was all couldn't-be-better- positive, like winning the loto (but bizarre), and super-long stemmed roses everywhere. But in that one I was running around and couldn't breathe saying, ~'this can't be so'. The 2nd one is too horrible to mention, and that was more like, ~'oh no, what have I done?', after the fact, but not so much during. Gross nightmare. Either a fever or I ate garlic (seriously) +/ or time of year. 😩

I was thinking, I don't find it a burden to help someone. I find triggers a burden, like pineapple juice tonight (stupid). What should burden me doesn't, I actually feel more 'normal' I guess. Except for all the normal things I react to that make me feel abnormal. 😓


Go ahead. Keep beeping.
I will put on my seatbelt when I want to.
I will close the fridge when I've found what I'm after.
And I will get to the laundry when I'm damn ready.

Seriously, the machines seem to think I'm a completely incapable moron. Well Mr Smoke Detector who disapproves of my incense, let's see how loud you are when I take the batteries out.

Harrumph. Machines that yell at you drive me nuts.


Well Mr Smoke Detector who disapproves of my incense, let's see how loud you are when I take the batteries out.
My parents “have” a smoke detector which (used to 😉) go off whenever anyone took a shower, or boiled water.

But set the deck or kitchen on fire? Not a peep.

They refused to get rid of it in favor for a smoke detector that, you know, detected smoke… instead of steam.

So I replaced it.

Twice, technically. As the first time elicited WWIII, (apparently what I did was disrespectful, rather than, ya know… caring, practical, and one would think common sense); and the old one taken out of the garbage, and the new one binned. 😣😖😫

So I very carefully removed the 80’s beige COVER of the old one, and swapped it with the (terribly rude/insulting/disrespectful) new cover. So now they have a functioning detector in a beat up case. <casts eyes skyward>

Aging parents.

What sort of insanity will seem “perfectly reasonable” next?