What Is On Your Mind Right This Second?

Tinyflame

MyPTSD Pro
I am all jumbled. Feel everything from grief to gratitude to avoidance to amazement to sad to contemplative to worry for others, exhaustion though and indigestion. Kind of scattered all over, and can't quite grasp stuff, or 'time' business. PTSD interferes with time- or at least memories and reliving time(s). I can't quite tease apart healing from grief or memory or thoughts atm. Can't really write today. Oddly saw lots of (written) signs on buildings last couple of days but have to come back to write them down.

Woke up at 4 a.m. and read, "Listen with the ear of a child-... 'To love is to be vulnerable; and it is only in vulnerability and risk—not safety and security—that we overcome darkness.' (writer Madeleine L’Engle, born this day in 1918, from A Wrinkle in Time which won the 1963 Newberry Medal.)" '. So I started to read the 1st 2 chapters free online. Weird but character had my name in it.
 

Tinyflame

MyPTSD Pro
I looked at the paper, only to find a friend of 30+ years had died. He was treated as though he was slow, because he was always (I really mean always) kind, and because he had a lack of boundaries not to be able to step back caring for his mom to care for himself- remember times when he would have body odour and look like he was going to drop, caring for her while others ridiculed how he looked. Meantime he had an intelligence of several people combined, and his mom didn't stop him, which I wished she would have. But I feel angry too, then grief. I feel gutted, and death all around me, plus the past, which I've been thinking about a lot, both with anger and grief. And caring for people at the end of their lives, so many the faces feel like an ocean. I feel, what is the point of all this life? I feel like my sister when she picked up and dropped our mom's lifeless hand after she died, but I don't even know why. I looked at the stars tonight and I know there's a point, even if I don't know what it is. But I feel sorrowful and emptiness.

As an odd aside, I don't understand what a post I had had an angry emoji, but I can't even remember the thread ? I hope I didn't hurt someone, though it wasn't intentional. I think it's 10 years old, I can't remember 2 weeks. I've never entirely understood the 'angry' emoji.
 

Tinyflame

MyPTSD Pro
Was thinking about it ^^, I guess it just shows me I know I have a pretty limited scope of what I (can) understand. So better if less self pity. And though I still don't 'get it', if the stars make me feel better for an unknown reason, that is lucky too.
 

Calm in the chaos

MyPTSD Pro
I hope I don’t spend the rest of my life on the run from this. The past 7 years I’ve spent running and running and running. I don’t know when I’m going to face it.

more positively, and a bit more funny: I walked out my room to find… a… toastie maker Looking thing? Just in the middle of the corridor. How’d it get there? how did they get a toastie maker and who slung it to land right outside my door? And why oh why is it still there?? Everyone is just ignoring it walking past lol
 

Lionheart

Sponsor
I have joined a new Medicare program for the elderly...omg does this mean I am old? Nah, I ain't old, I've just been young for a very long time.
They bring my lunch tray to me and pick it up when I am done. ...Open the van doors for me when I get in and out. I believe I am being spoiled. LOL ;) Just reflecting on the times I did not have any help. I am very fortunate I think.
 
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