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What is the point?

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esz

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I hate slogging through every single freaking day. I didnt choose to exist. I didnt choose to have all this shit happen to me. Why do I have to stay alive day in and day out? Why do I have to put all this work in to be a normal person? It's not like I'm enjoying it. I just dont want to do it anymore. I'm too much of a whimp to ever actually hurt myself, so I just keep going on, doing the things I absolutely have to do but nothing more. It all just seems so pointless.
 
A few years ago I was so done. I mean not even upset done like quietly and just done. In fact so done it gave me bizarre courage because I just didn't care anymore.

Things can change FAST. My today is so much better it amazes me. But also back then, it felt like a cavern I had climbed out of after excruciating effort only to reach the top and fall back in. Repeatedly.

Somehow, mindlessly I just kept getting up every day. And I had a few things back then I loved/still do. Outdoors. It is magic for me. Critters, quiet, and it is free.

What do you think is your thing?
 
Most days recently my "thing" has been binge eating junk food on the couch and doing sudoku. ? I feel nasty at the end of the day but I just can't find any motivation whatsoever.

I guess my "thing" is math, stats, data... when I'm working on a really difficult problem I dont have enough brain space left to worry about life and what I'm doing here. I dont get flashbacks and my emotions don't bother me the same when I'm really in the zone working. But nowdays I have a hard time getting into a project at all. I've been procrastinating/dissociating (they are the same for me unfortunately) so often that I'm worried I'm going to flunk out of my PhD program.

My "thing" used to be art. I even sold some stuff, considered going to art school but decided on math. But I stopped drawing around the same time when the avoidance started. Maybe I should break out my old pastels. Drawing makes me sad though. And tired. It just takes a lot out of me emotionally.
 
Truthfully, I'm not convinced there is a "big picture" point. I think we make our own, or not. Getting out of the notion that there *has* to be a point to all this is really helpful; if there are no expectations, there are no disappointments.

My "thing" used to be art. I even sold some stuff, considered going to art school but decided on math. But I stopped drawing around the same time when the avoidance started. Maybe I should break out my old pastels. Drawing makes me sad though. And tired. It just takes a lot out of me emotionally.

This is soo important. And you're in a PhD program? Wow...that is so awesome! It sounds like when you are doing something - like math, data - you feel your passion. The motivation piece is tough - I am in the same boat - and I'm wondering if you are getting any type of treatment? My lack of motivation comes from depression. And some people can be effectively treated for that.

Someone reminded me that everything is temporary! So this too shall pass!

I used to believe this. I have a strong sense that nothing is permanent. But for me, after 50+ years of feeling like I do, I have come to understand not *everything* is temporary. Sometimes it doesn't get better.

That said, I do think we can change our mindset and decide that getting better need not be the goal. Managing day-to-day and accepting my limitations sometimes makes it more bearable.
 
"I used to believe this. I have a strong sense that nothing is permanent. But for me, after 50+ years of feeling like I do, I have come to understand not *everything* is temporary. Sometimes it doesn't get better.

That said, I do think we can change our mindset and decide that getting better need not be the goal. Managing day-to-day and accepting my limitations sometimes makes it more bearable."

That's extremely depressing. If you're saying I have another 50 years to look forward to this suffering and not even basic hedonic adaption will help then I really want my passive suicidality to go active.
 
It does get better for some people. I am no longer suicidal due to a number of factors. One is having my small farm. I raise veggies, chickens and now I'm going to sell my extra sprouts too. From 2 chickens to breeding them, from a tiny garden to a front yard full of flowers and pallet veggies, and a huge veggie garden in the back, it has healed me. Took over 7 years of therapy and work, but I am so much better than I was. I hope you can overcome this overwhelming sadness too.
 
I just wanted to note that I was 52 when I first started therapy. I got better over time. I think there is a good chance you will get better if you keep moving forward with the struggle. Are any days good? Any moments? You can build on these and even though it is hard to believe, there will be more of them and you can keep building. It's hard, but what are the options?
 
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Yes I'm not suicidal anymore but I totally get the space you are in. I'm in the same space but I have some.things that work so I'm not as depressed or anxious. I make deals with myself still. There are things I do that make me feel better, that keep the darkness away. I understand it completely though. "They're finally going to get me or get rid of me". Last week I was in a bad stretch and I was thinking how the therapist doesn't like me anymore . Maybe she don't lol. I hope you feel better.
 
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