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What Is The Thought Process Involved In Isolating?

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Hello. My question is for the male sufferers of combat-related PTSD. When you isolate, do you think about your carer at all? I don't mean that judgementally, I mean what is the thought process when you leave, while you are gone, and when you come back? Mine leaves every year at this time. Last year he was gone all summer. So far this year it has been 7 days with only 2 text messages in reply to mine. So how does it work, for you? I know it must be different for everyone but do you tell your carers that you need time alone? Do you think about what your carers are doing or feeling while you are gone? What makes you want to come back? If I could just get some minimal understanding of what he is feeling and thinking, then maybe it would be easier for me to deal with his isolation. Sounds so selfish but I spend all of my time worrying about him and praying for him and hoping he will come back, so it would help to know what he is feeling. I keep wondering what I have done wrong or what I could do better but after reading on these forums, I do have a better understanding that it has very little to do with me. So can any of you help me understand? IS there anything I can do to help him or help him want to come home? I'd appreciate any help you can give me. Thanks for having a place to ask these questions.

Redheaded Stranger
 
Redheaded Stranger, I will call you RS. These are just my opinions.

Isolation is usually something we cannot control. I can't talk for him, but leaving the same time every year could either mean its an 'Anniversary' of some type, i.e. when he came home, a battle where he lost mates, or something like that.
Then again, to be brutally honest, he may have another life.

Isolation for me used to be totally random. It still happens now and I have a new fiancée I live with. Sometimes there is like sensory overload that we don't know how to handle and we want to go to a safe place. When I lived with my 13 yr old son alone, I used to go home, pull the drapes, turn the aircon on, and hide under a dooner.
When I first started going out with Margaret, I used to just tell her I was going home. And in answer to your question, NO, we don't think about our partners, it does not even enter into hour heads.

Now that I am a fair way into managing my symptoms, I can deal with it. I still get days where its too much, so I take my Xanax, and darken the room. Yesterday Margaret put a rainforest CD on for me.

Can I ask a personal question?? Are you married??? How long have you been together??How long has he been diagnosed??Is he getting treated??

Jimmy
 
RS; Isolation for me comes in August the "birthday" of emotional pain for me. This is the 15th, I cut myself off from Family and continue work as if nothing happened, I find things to numb and dull(alcohol) my surroundings and isolate myself from the phone and internet, I find ways of putting myself in Neutral generally with movies, TV, loud music and booze.

To be honest and this is only speaking on my behalf by him isolating (I can speak from personal experience) is disconnecting the pain from his loved ones and 'going bush' as many Vietnam veterans did. Estranging all ties and making himself invalid from his surroundings.

I don't know the depth of your relationship and how you two connect, but to give him small hints, loving NOT nagging texts, a phone call once every three - four days(leaving a message, as a suggestion) and attempt to engage with him to find out some way of how you can help. Don't attempt to prise your way in to his life, but drop hints; come onto a wave length he operates on. I always act defensively when I get nagged by my older Sister and Mother about what's going on and I only open up when they take time to be patient and listen.

I isolated and still isolate the pain I feel from my family and my then girlfriend cause I didn't want to hurt or scare them away. Sometimes obviously this can make it worse, however from experience I isolate myself so that I won't be hurt if something happens to loved ones.

Hope that sort of helps.
 
Jimmy and QueensOwn,

Thank you for your input. We have known each other for 2 years, been dating for a year and a half and he moved in at Christmas. He says he has only felt this way about one other person (ex-wife) and our connection is very strong. I know he is the one for me and I'm not going anywhere. I do fear that he'll just leave one day for good and there is always the fear that something major will happen to him and I won't know about it. Interestingly enough, I really don't fear that he'll cheat on me because I believe him to be trustworthy and too honorable to do that.

As for this isolating event, we took 3 teenagers away for Spring Break and I think it was just too much for him. When we got back, he was really irritated and I expected him to take a time out then. But we had a fun dinner and great night together. And then he was gone. 3 days in I asked what was going on and he texted that he needed some time alone. So I found these forums and have been trying to keep myself busy. I took him seriously when he said he needed time alone but after reading these forums and after 3 more days, I started texting him very short notes at night. Just basic things telling him goodnight, that I love him, I'll be here when he is ready, one funny thing that happened and that I wished him peace and restful sleep. I just didn't want him to think I was mad or didn't want him to come back, but am trying to respect his need to be alone. He has texted back short notes a few times.

He is smart and funny and so worth the wait, none of which he believes. When I tell him that I love him, he tries to talk me out of it and then tells me that I'm doomed. But I'm in this for the long haul. I don't want anyone else, ever, and I'm old enough to know that is true. So I will be here when he is ready. Period.

I know that I can never understand what you all go through but I hope that one day he'll learn to trust and believe that there are good things out there.

Any other suggestions and insight will be greatly appreciated. I love him. So I don't want to screw it up by pressing him or leaving him alone for too long. Feelis like a high-wire act.

Thanks so much for listening,

Redheaded Stranger
 
RS,

The feeling of irritation is something I can relate to, the New Years in 2009/2010 I went to Arrowtown, just outside of Queenstown, New Zealand. I had been back in country for about three months and hadn't approached any of the feelings I felt while I was deployed or when I returned. I went on this holiday unaware of the things that lingered and the sense of independence I could see coming excited me, to get away and hang with friends.

The reality was that I was with people a bit less mature than me, people that were more concerned about what to wear and how to pay for meaningless things than about relaxing and taking it as is. The reality of the situation irritated me and made me want to throttle people after all this S*** from Afghan I wanted to have a perfect set picture of what I wanted, it was shattered.
I found moments to 'go bush' finding isolation by 4WDing with two close mates, mountain biking by myself and swimming in total isolation away from the larger group.

You're want to love and cherish your partner is normal, we're human beings IT'S NORMAL! But the mechanics of his physcy is to push away the things he loves so that he doesn't have the emotional pain if something does happen. I am guilty of doing so with my family.
 
Question: When does isolation become to much ? I know there is no certain time period, but.... Mine left a year ago - and to this I day I do not know where he is.... He will call occasionaly, and stop by - but we are not to know where he is ,what he does or anything???? If we do ask, you better watch out, we either get a lash of anger, or the simple yet frustrating "I don't know". - Yes is is getting help.

The best way I explain to other vets - its like being told your loved one has cancer...and thats it - no more. You want to help, but cant - You dont know what type, how far along, nothing. I have done my best to be supportive, patient and understanding of all this, but I cannnot get any farther. I know not to push him - but as most carers know sometimes enough is enough, no its not fair to myself or our family. My hands have been tied, its hard to not be able to help the one you love.
 
You might as well ask how long is a piece of string. There is no set time.
I have just been to therapy, so as my mood says I am a bit swamped with everything at the moment.

I actually believe some guys play on their PTSD. Yes they have it, yes they have nightmares, yes they have intrusive thoughts, yes they can be paranoid, yet they can be hypervigilent, and yes they can want to isolate.
Its a natural fight or flight reaction.

For years they were trained in the military to 'Fight', go towards danger with aggression. That is why some partners get yelled at verbally abused. We tend to hurt the ones we love the most. But once we get a handle on it, we tend to lean towards the 'Flight' side of things. We no longer wish to hurt anyone, so we go somewhere where we can feel safe and not harm others. Usually somewhere where nobody knows us.

Hope I am not waffling here.

As I said in another post, I have made the choice to be with Margaret now. I have nowhere really I can isolate. I do have to find somewhere though. Margaret just wants me to let her know that 'The Cows are Loose in the top paddock', and then I can shut myself away from the hussle and bussle of life.

RS, you said that he does not believe he is a good man, and that when you tell him you love him, he tries to talk you out of it. Well, that is normal. I personally had very low self esteem. I did not want anyone to love me because I hated myself. I hated what I saw over there, I hated what I took part in. So why would someone love me.

Well now I have gone from feeling emotionally numb to having feelings now. So I can laugh more. I can love, but I now feel the other emotions I used to hide with self medication. I feel sad.

Mockingbird, honestly, in my opinion, I would not hang around and wait for him. It has been a year you said. He may be getting help, he may not be, but honestly, for your own sake, how long does he want you to wait.

This is just my opinion and I think I need to put a disclaimer on this. I am not a trained psych. I am just another mixed up veteran with lots of suggestions. :unsure:
 
For years they were trained in the military to 'Fight', go towards danger with aggression. That is why some partners get yelled at verbally abused. We tend to hurt the ones we love the most. But once we get a handle on it, we tend to lean towards the 'Flight' side of things. We no longer wish to hurt anyone, so we go somewhere where we can feel safe and not harm others. Usually somewhere where nobody knows us.

Do you think its possible for someone to experience both "Fight" and "Flight" at the same time?? I get yelled at and hurt (verbally) when his walls are up. I don't get it. Why doesn't he just completely isolate? Not that I want him too. As long as he is taking it out on me, at least I know he is ok and not hurting himself. I'm just so confused, I wish I could just remind him how sorry I know he's going to feel when this is over, but he's too far away. I hate when he sorry for hurting me, that makes him feel so bad. I want to know how to best help him, I'm so lost.
 
How long has he been getting therapy for.
It sounds like the year after I returned from Iraq. I would go off into a rage, then apologise.
From our point of view, its like going from zero to one hundred in a split second. When someone told me that it could be controlled, I laughed. The CTP (Cognitive Thought Process) is what fixed it.

He obviously loves you so much, but just cannot control his emotions. I am a lot better now, but still have my moments over trivial things. It just depend on how my day has been, or my night for that matter.

So Fight and Flight can be in the same 10 minutes. But generally, once your angry, it takes practice and grounding techniques to settle down. Or else just time.

Jimmy
 
I don't know that he has ever been in "therapy". I know he has talked to someone, and it took him quite a few therapists til he found someone that he liked. But don't think he's ever followed through with things, he has never done CTP or CBT or anything like that. He briefly went to consoling with his ex-wife (his idea, which I respect him for every much) and when finally pushed and pushed, M. opened up to him and told the Doc some painful hidden things (again, lots of respect) but then that dumbass therapist asked M. leave the room and asked him ex-wife to come in and then he violated M's trust and frickin told her EVERYTHING that M. had shared!! omg! that pisses me off so much! M. says he remembers her tears and her look of pity and he's afraid that I might look at him the same. I don't think I would, I don't pity him or feel sorry for him, I just care for him. anyway...

I really want him to give therapy a shot, but I am trying so hard not to push. He's not happy that I use this site so I can't even tell him how therapy has changed (and saved) the lives of Vets like him without him getting edgy about it. I try to make things about him, like "you might feel better if you tried starting your medication again, remember how good you felt before?" and "I think therapy is great idea if you ever want to give it a go, its supposed to have helped lots of Iraqi War Vets". I want to avoid giving him advice though, I don't understand the hell he's in or has been in. I wish I knew one of his Army buddies that have been through therapy that would talk to him, but I don't for two big reasons 1) His unit is in Afgan. (he's not medically cleared to deploy) and 2) he would never forgive me for asking a buddy of his to help him.

Any advice on how to approach therapy or any good movies or videos about "cool, macho" soldiers admitting therapy works? haha!
 
Nope, in my opinion, he might be still fighting with himself. Once he finally succumbs to the fact that he needs help, he will get it. Some people have to hit rock bottom and lose every thing. It sounds harsh, but thats the way it is.
 
I don't mean to talk about him behind his back but it is honestly in the spirit of learning more about PTSD and the hold its got on him.

He's about at rock bottom he told me, in the past 3 yrs (which really hasn't been that long) he's lost his marriage of 10 years, custody of his children, he's messed up multiple relationships, he can't be with his Army buddies any more, he's changed jobs (took a HUGE pay cut), he's lost him home and now his apartment as well and is moving in with his parents. His child support is insane, he keeps only 50 dollars more than he gives her. They are trying to take his beloved truck...if they do that, I don't what he'll do. I'm still proud as hell of him for doing his best to keep his head up, but its just so hard to watch him suffer.

I want to support him and encourage him, but if he's still got a ways to go before rock bottom, I pray that I can dig up the strength to still be with him. Wish me luck and strength!
 
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