I'm still in the "what do I have to be ashamed of" camp most of the time, though on a cognitive level I fear I maybe ashamed of feeling shame.In the last year or so, I went from thinking shame, although often mentioned as a symptom, wasn’t a factor for me—after all, “what do I have to be ashamed of?”—to realizing that I’m basically shame-based, and much of my non-shock trauma (i.e., the more emotional, complex-trauma stuff) is indeed about me feeling shame, even when I shouldn’t be. Like I am shame, almost. A lot of the haunting memories that I’ve been dealing with lately are more about the shame and degradation I’ve felt all throughout life than the early beatings. This took me a long time to figure out.
What does processing look like to me? Gosh, I don't know really. I'd like to be able to watch TV shows without being frozen in fear. I would like to have my past integrated to a level that I can accept that it is a part of me, but more than that to be able to speak of it to trusted people. I still don't talk about it, even with my T. The thought of it sends me flying into the "too much, stop, shutdown, spiral" zone. You've had some amazing responses here, and thank you for asking the question, pretty pertinent to me right now. I have often asked the question of myself, have I processed it or have I shut it down. If I trust my gut it has been shut down. What does processing look like? Frustratingly slow, painful, upsetting, random, two steps forwards, 4 back, a hop in the air and a leap to the left! Sorry I'm not much help!