What Other Triggers Am I Causing?

[justme]

I just text my BF and asked him if when I say things or text him things that have an emotional connotation (IE that I love him, or I am here for him, or that I won’t leave him…yada yada yada) if it triggered something to make him close up. He told me he never thought of that before, but thinks there might be some truth to that.

So my question now is what other things am I doing or saying that I don’t know about that are triggers for him? I know everyone is different, and has different triggers, but if any of you are able to give me some insight it would be really helpful.

His is an Army Vet…I don’t know if that helps narrow what his triggers could be or not. Of course I understand anniversaries play a big role as triggers as well…

Thanks for any help or insight!

 

[blackpearl]

First of all I'm not a combat sufferer and I can only say what I can find hard with some people or they who wants to be there for me. This is only one thought, that he might feel like you are pushing him emotionally.
When people say those things it feels like one has to be on the same level emotionally and that is not possible all the time or at all some time. I often get irritated or mad because that person don't understand that he/she has to come down on my level to be able to share something emotional.

I guess that's why he feels more comfortable with others who has been in combat for example, they know how it is concerning different things and get emotional support that way. Other wise it's impossible to get to him if you know what I mean, until he gets better. Time and space is of big importance I think. It can be a big step for him from "there" to "here" with you. Slowly, slowly...

Maybe you can help him with something, it can be anything from getting information if it's hard for him to read, do the house holding so he can take some time of and things like that. More help in practical things than emotional. In time he will understand that you are there for him. If he can feel re leaf from stress you are helping him.
Not so much talking. Just take him out to dinner in a less crowded place and respect his time. For example he might want to leave after only 10 minutes, then do so and so on. Follow his steps in this. It might help him to not feel pressure. I don't know... I think you understand my point ?

 

[Nicolette]

Of course I understand anniversaries play a big role as triggers as well…

Welcome to the forum Justme. In terms of anniversaries, I suggest you read this [DLMURL]http://www.ptsdforum.org/content/367-Anniversary[/DLMURL]

As for triggers, while a Sufferer has these, it is not always best to act so that you do everything possible to not trigger them but it is important to respect them. See, for a Sufferer to heal they have to learn how to manage or even overcome their triggers as "walking on eggshells to keep them untriggered" can actually end up be enabling. There is a fine line and each person is different.

It is also important to recognize too the difference between triggers versus things the person just does not like and finds annoying. For example my husband hates talking on the phone but I love being able to talk to him during the day when I am out at work so the compromise is that he rings me once a day at a time that suits him. I find that if I have to ring him for a number of matters during the day he can get "shitty" but that is due to his dislike of the phone which then stresses him out - it is not a trigger.

You need to work out what you are really dealing with and be careful not to just put everything he doesn't like under the umbrella of a trigger. See, from my point of view, if a Sufferer chooses to be in a relationship they then cannot expect to check out on normal things all of the time....there has to be a middle line. Eg...how would you feel having a relationship with someone who you could never say "I love you too' as they think it is a trigger? Yes, ok you will have to back off and not be full on but the Sufferer has to put some effort into being able to either be ok with you saying it sometime or the two of you coming up with a compromise say "your own word' which you both know means love but is not using the actual words. Even with PTSD a relationship is a two way street.