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Other What reasons were you given not to tell?

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Sarahhill

Hiya, I'm new here, and I'm at a point in therapy where we're discussing the reasons i wasnt aloud to tell anyone about my abuse. I think it would be helpful to find out other peoples experience on this as mine was mainly to do with people not understanding our 'relationship' etc.
 
Definitely the other people not understanding his “love”.

I don’t want to destroy the family do I?

Look how happy you make him? Would you really want to upset him?

If you tell then you obviously don’t love us or care about us like we love you?

Can’t you see how much more he loves you than your father does? Your father doesn’t do any of this with you because he hates you.

I’m sure there were others but those are the ones I remember most.
 
Definitely the other people not understanding his “love”.

I don’t want to destroy the family do I?

Look how happy you make him? Would you really want to upset him?

If you tell then you obviously don’t love us or care about us like we love you?

Omg! Us? So basically he abused you and “she” covered it up! I am so sorry for you! You are strong and are still here!!
I have begun to realize that my grandfather encouraged his 2 sons to abuse me and some of his male friends!! What the hell is wrong with people?
 
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I wasn't told not to tell, but I chose not to tell because I knew it would destroy my mom (my father was the sexual abuser) and my whole family. Well, guess what? It almost destroyed ME. And then my whole family ended up finding out anyway because I had to tell my brother so that he'd protect his daughter from my father, then my brother told everyone.

It's really sick how abusers not only abuse, but mess with a child's mind too by threatening them. It's what keeps them safe from being found out. I'm so sorry for what happened to you...I know how painful it is. I'm glad you're seeking treatment for it. For me, it happened over 4 decades ago, and although I still think about it now and then, it doesn't control me any more and it doesn't feel like an open wound.

I tried for so long to pretend it didn't happen, but that only led to so many unhealthy behaviors that I was slowly self-destructing. What I can say is, don't let what happened to you define who you are or steal your future from you. What was stolen from you in the past is over. You CAN heal from this, you CAN be an overcomer, you CAN have a future healthy relationship.

A key part of my healing was forgiveness, which is something that is hugely misunderstood. It's not something you do for the other person...rather, it's a gift you give to yourself to be set free from the bondage of rage, fear, self-loathing, shame, guilt, all that. I was so tormented by all those things until I forgave him, which, by the way, I was only able to do with God's help. God wants us to forgive because He knows that it's the only way to heal from the inside out.

I learned later that my father grew up in an occult household that participated in satanic ritual abuse. So it helped me to understand why he did what he did, which doesn't let him off the hook, it just lends understanding to me. I actually came to pity the man, who destroyed his life by hurting every single person in his life in one way or another. So tragic. He played out his own rage, hurt, trauma, and mental illness on everyone around him.

God has healed me so deeply that I live a life of joy, contentment, and healthy ways of coping with life's challenges. I'm not perfect and I struggle in many ways like we all do, but overall I feel so healed and free. I want this for you. I pray that the healing journey you're on will lead you to that place of freedom and health. Blessings to you, friend.
 
At first I was never told not to tell. I was told “I love you” “you like this, you want this, this feels so good”
my abuser would point out anything my parents took from me “see how they never let you get dessert, I’m glad they don’t know how much we love each other or they’d take me away too.”
They became the enemy, he was my source of fun (5-8 y/o he was 12-15).
then my loyalty to family “never shame the family” “it would break there hearts” “they will kill US!” Because clearly 3 years in i was complacent and even causing it according to him. Between 9-12 I just fell in line and didn’t think about it much. We only had sex 10-20 times a year and I didn’t see him often. I resisted once when I was 12 or 13 and he raped me. It was horrible but it was the last time, I think standing up to him (I guess he was 20 by then) scared him
 
He took my favorite toy and wrung its neck. Then he said if I told, that is what he would do to me. He had already beaten the word "No!" out of me, so the above was very believable. I think I was about three when he did this.

Oh wow. The toy thing sounds very familiar. He threw my doll against the wall. Said, "that's what happens to bad girls." And laughed.
 
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