What then? For those who recently left abusive or violent relationships


Today, I went no contact with my violent ex who was a horror nightmare. Not only it was violent but it has been badly violent. I don’t need to get into the details. The grieving mode is activated and I’m feeling shitty and irritated for it. Yet, I’m crying like I never did in my entire life. But what worries me isn’t the grief, it will take the time it takes, it’s the What’s next? That is scaring me.

Like in a normal breakup I have all the "am I so unlovable?" shit, what has changed now is that I’m sensing things will come full of new triggers. I already noticed that I’m getting startled with sounds and already had a tendency for hypervigilance over people’s moods. I’m scared of, in the case of a new relationship happens, weirdo triggers and stuff will start to arise. I used to have secure attachment with a few domains of insecurities, and not being very preoccupied in what kind of relationship I was building with X or Y, just seeing how it goes.

Now I’m feeling like really I have to be more careful with who I chose and feeling weird and picky. I used to just go for it and it lasts what it lasts; generally it lasted a few days, a few weeks or several years when it went okay. But now instead of curiosity I have a vague sense of distrust that is profoundly alien to me, as well as resentment towards men in general. Don’t get me wrong, I know there are plethoras of gentle dudes over there, but I just got put off with an entire gender.

The other thing, now that this is part of my history, I have no idea what I will say about it. To new partners I guess I’ll have to be pretty declarative. I wouldn’t feel comfortable to hide the thing. And to friends? I really don’t know.

For now getting in another relationship isn’t something that entices me very much. I’m still reconstructing. But in general I can sense that I’d like to be with people who are understanding and have quite a bit of extra time in combing the hairiness that undoubtedly will arise at some point. And I’m scared not to find anyone, or to get pissed and upset at stupid shit and have horrible meltdowns. As I already did, but in worse.

Just wanted to know how things can go afterwards, from different perspectives. From those who’ve been there or are in that way.
In my view you've just exited a bad relationship. Working out what you're going to do etc in the next is possibly a little premature. For now working on making yourself whole again and how to heal will take time and a lot of energy.

Worry about the next new relationship after you're more comfortable with the new self that is emerging.
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Depending on one’s comorbidity factor(s) the relationship to self becomes the new emotional beast. The nuances of the struggle moving forward often hinge on inner core tapes that have not been addressed in a manner that allow peace, self-respect and possibly the feeling of completion while traveling solo.

Sexual orientation or newly decided possible temporary snub is an entirely different animal that may occupy a niche of time in the whirl of aftermath (just mentioning due to a sentence in your post). However, I found for me being codependent as well as hiding within the fabric of heterosexual society that I had robbed myself of my true essence.

Your intellect as well as heart strikes me as superb (within the brevity of read post). Therefore, I assure you that you are more than capable of wrestling with emotional cascades, researching the abyss for light and returning to a stronger, newer self that will eventually lead others out of the trap of domestic violence as well as the fear of being alone. Love, warmth and light sent your way.


Thank you @blackemerald1 and @Recovery4Me for your kind answers. I am well aware of this emergence of new self, and this is a readjustment that is taking place in more or less every area of my life… Quite difficult and I find myself struggling as if being more acutely conscious of the loneliness. I don’t know, previously it didn’t hit me in that way.

However, I found for me being codependent as well as hiding within the fabric of heterosexual society that I had robbed myself of my true essence.
Aaah!!! This is something that prevents me to sleep at night! 🙃 Really I don’t know what to do with this as well. It’s such a heavy knot, I don’t know how to untie it.

Heart hugs and good vibes for you too @Recovery4Me . I’ll keep thinking in your answers. Just needed a moment to digest it.


Loving so deep in order to feel alive and connected... is a tell regardless of the chosen object of affectIon. Perhaps it is time to decorate your ’knot’ owning it as a centerpiece rather than an obstacle. I don’t believe that obsessive unraveling guarantees peace of mind nor freedom. Else, I would have found mine.😂

I gently offer that the trapped writer, artist, musician, craft person inside you- sits bent in the waiting room. Set them free: moving forward is creation. Raw, savage, unbridled talent is the essence of your passion. Be the deity that you are.🤗