coraxxx
Policy Enforcement
Today, I went no contact with my violent ex who was a horror nightmare. Not only it was violent but it has been badly violent. I don’t need to get into the details. The grieving mode is activated and I’m feeling shitty and irritated for it. Yet, I’m crying like I never did in my entire life. But what worries me isn’t the grief, it will take the time it takes, it’s the What’s next? That is scaring me.
Like in a normal breakup I have all the "am I so unlovable?" shit, what has changed now is that I’m sensing things will come full of new triggers. I already noticed that I’m getting startled with sounds and already had a tendency for hypervigilance over people’s moods. I’m scared of, in the case of a new relationship happens, weirdo triggers and stuff will start to arise. I used to have secure attachment with a few domains of insecurities, and not being very preoccupied in what kind of relationship I was building with X or Y, just seeing how it goes.
Now I’m feeling like really I have to be more careful with who I chose and feeling weird and picky. I used to just go for it and it lasts what it lasts; generally it lasted a few days, a few weeks or several years when it went okay. But now instead of curiosity I have a vague sense of distrust that is profoundly alien to me, as well as resentment towards men in general. Don’t get me wrong, I know there are plethoras of gentle dudes over there, but I just got put off with an entire gender.
The other thing, now that this is part of my history, I have no idea what I will say about it. To new partners I guess I’ll have to be pretty declarative. I wouldn’t feel comfortable to hide the thing. And to friends? I really don’t know.
For now getting in another relationship isn’t something that entices me very much. I’m still reconstructing. But in general I can sense that I’d like to be with people who are understanding and have quite a bit of extra time in combing the hairiness that undoubtedly will arise at some point. And I’m scared not to find anyone, or to get pissed and upset at stupid shit and have horrible meltdowns. As I already did, but in worse.
Just wanted to know how things can go afterwards, from different perspectives. From those who’ve been there or are in that way.
Like in a normal breakup I have all the "am I so unlovable?" shit, what has changed now is that I’m sensing things will come full of new triggers. I already noticed that I’m getting startled with sounds and already had a tendency for hypervigilance over people’s moods. I’m scared of, in the case of a new relationship happens, weirdo triggers and stuff will start to arise. I used to have secure attachment with a few domains of insecurities, and not being very preoccupied in what kind of relationship I was building with X or Y, just seeing how it goes.
Now I’m feeling like really I have to be more careful with who I chose and feeling weird and picky. I used to just go for it and it lasts what it lasts; generally it lasted a few days, a few weeks or several years when it went okay. But now instead of curiosity I have a vague sense of distrust that is profoundly alien to me, as well as resentment towards men in general. Don’t get me wrong, I know there are plethoras of gentle dudes over there, but I just got put off with an entire gender.
The other thing, now that this is part of my history, I have no idea what I will say about it. To new partners I guess I’ll have to be pretty declarative. I wouldn’t feel comfortable to hide the thing. And to friends? I really don’t know.
For now getting in another relationship isn’t something that entices me very much. I’m still reconstructing. But in general I can sense that I’d like to be with people who are understanding and have quite a bit of extra time in combing the hairiness that undoubtedly will arise at some point. And I’m scared not to find anyone, or to get pissed and upset at stupid shit and have horrible meltdowns. As I already did, but in worse.
Just wanted to know how things can go afterwards, from different perspectives. From those who’ve been there or are in that way.