What to do when you, literally, can't stop crying?

[mumstheword]

I'm so embarrassed. Luckily I'm at home, by myself, but, it has to do with a old co worker, who turned up in my life after 28 years.

We used to work in a band together, we toured together. He doesn't/didn't realize what a narcissist my ex/the band leader is and it's put me in an awkward position, because he wants to connect with me but doesn't realize just bringing up anything to do with A, who was leader of our band, stirs me up.

And yesterday we spoke on the phone and I got off the phone and just bawled and bawled. I did "yoga for grief" with Adriene, on youtube, who I do yoga with everyday and it helped.

The other thing is music. I LOVED working as a musician. I poured myself into that and raising all the babies A put inside of me, but, I lost everything when I had to leave him to save my life. To ensure my kids had a mum until they didn't need one anymore.

I got my kid's back, for the most part, eventually.



My friend has stayed a working musician and is so overworked, musically, he doesnt want that with me, and I MISS MY MUSIC LIFE SOOOO MUCH! So I'm grieving that too and I work up crying and haven't been able to stop and it's nearly 12.00.

I can't lay this on him. I told him another thing where he was worried I was going to be too frank with him and he said, basically "leave that for your partner" which was reasonable but I felt judged and vulnerable. I was upset, but, I owned it and I just wanted to make sure he wasn't going to be utterly flakey on me and I don't think he is. He is dealing with his own grief, a nasty break up and loss of his step daughter.

But what should or could I do to make sure I don't scare my friend off coz his coming back into my life is stirring me up so much?!

I really like and respect this guy. Nothing romantic will happen as I'm in a solid relationship, but, my partner is working excessively and having a friend to do stuff with before he goes back to work interstate is something I don't want to mess up.

Writing this out has got my tears to stop. It's so embarrassing being such a giant sook, but I was incredibly stoic for many, many years, I just don't seem to be able to be that, anymore.

 

[woodsy1]

I'm so embarrassed. Luckily I'm at home, by myself, but, it has to do with a old co worker, who turned up in my life after 28 years.

We used to work in a band together, we toured together. He doesn't/didn't realize what a narcissist my ex/the band leader is and it's put me in an awkward position, because he wants to connect with me but doesn't realize just bringing up anything to do with A, who was leader of our band, stirs me up.

And yesterday we spoke on the phone and I got off the phone and just bawled and bawled. I did "yoga for grief" with Adriene, on youtube, who I do yoga with everyday and it helped.

The other thing is music. I LOVED working as a musician. I poured myself into that and raising all the babies A put inside of me, but, I lost everything when I had to leave him to save my life. To ensure my kids had a mum until they didn't need one anymore.

I got my kid's back, for the most part, eventually.



My friend has stayed a working musician and is so overworked, musically, he doesnt want that with me, and I MISS MY MUSIC LIFE SOOOO MUCH! So I'm grieving that too and I work up crying and haven't been able to stop and it's nearly 12.00.

I can't lay this on him. I told him another thing where he was worried I was going to be too frank with him and he said, basically "leave that for your partner" which was reasonable but I felt judged and vulnerable. I was upset, but, I owned it and I just wanted to make sure he wasn't going to be utterly flakey on me and I don't think he is. He is dealing with his own grief, a nasty break up and loss of his step daughter.

But what should or could I do to make sure I don't scare my friend off coz his coming back into my life is stirring me up so much?!

I really like and respect this guy. Nothing romantic will happen as I'm in a solid relationship, but, my partner is working excessively and having a friend to do stuff with before he goes back to work interstate is something I don't want to mess up.

Writing this out has got my tears to stop. It's so embarrassing being such a giant sook, but I was incredibly stoic for many, many years, I just don't seem to be able to be that, anymore.

Cry until you can't cry anymore. Then, cry some more. More again, just when you thought you wouldn't again.

Until you are done for a while.

Then when ever you need to.

Woodsy1

 

[Friday]

Writing this out has got my tears to stop.

There, ya go! Keep that trick in your back pocket.

I almost never cry, but when I do? If I can’t stop it almost immediately, it will go for days. Literally. Cry all day, fall asleep crying, wake up with a soaked pillow, cry all day, fall asleep crying... if I’ve got a benzo on hand? That will stop it. So will a few powerful unnamed sedatives (as in doctor in the house, jab, and fade to black). I try to never let it get that far.

 

[Recovery4Me]

Lots of hugs to you. Releasing grief, regret, sadness seems to have it’s own schedule. Finally, you can cleanse a hidden burden to those whom may understand in part.

I am moving and went through a large bin of documents, memorabilia, ect to shred. It has taken me a few years to muster the courage to face that past. I partially understand changing directions for stability of motherhood. I ran into my graphics, illustrations on mags, awards on artwork reminding me of choices made in love for others.

This is what I feel (maybe in time you might too)- we had a wonderful opportunity to let our creativity flow down to the cellular level where we were one with the expression. That Zen feeling is out of this world.
But something was released when I rocked my Son as well- a smaller primal ferocious that inserted in my bones. I was bonded as Mom.

Perhaps someday, women will not have to chose between a career they love and one that provides for their children’s welfare. Perhaps one day, more women will have support during those tender years. But until that day...many will fondly remember with tears- (those were the days, my friend)

 

[Justmehere]

You are an amazing mom. I'm so sorry it came at such a cost. Well done for bravely facing the grief.

Cardio or happy dances - such as an online exercise class that is super upbeat - that can slow the tears for me. Also, eating super distracting food. Like SPICY curry or drinking ice cold water.

Also, when the time is right, might be worthwhile to engage something to memorialize the time you miss, to help let it go, and to open up to a new music adventure in the future.

 

[mumstheword]

There, ya go! Keep that trick in your back pocket.

I almost never cry, but when I do? If I can’t stop it almost immediately, it will go for days. Literally. Cry all day, fall asleep crying, wake up with a soaked pillow, cry all day, fall asleep crying... if I’ve got a benzo on hand? That will stop it. So will a few powerful unnamed sedatives (as in doctor in the house, jab, and fade to black). I try to never let it get that far.

Thank you @Friday. I did take a benzo, half a benzo the night before to sleep and it worked. Just waking up the tears started again. The writing helped A LOT and I texted my friend and sorted things out with him. Things are really good with him now. I even ended up telling him my DX coz he wanted to know why I wasn't working outside of the home stuff, and I shared a lot. It was good, actually, he feels more connected with me for my openess.

I used to cry in my sleep, as well, when I moved back to this town and my ex had done such a good triangulation and parental ailienation job that many of my kids were shunning me. Luckily, those days are over.

The crying turned out to be quite good for me. And it does come out in waves. Actually I'm just a bit of a cryer, small tears, often, but, I also laugh a lot, joke a lot, hug people, sing and smile quite often, so, I think that's ok.

A lady in group (I've been doing a group of CSA "survivors") told me my crying hekps grund here and she's really appreciative that I do, so that helped me feel ok about it.

Thanks for your kind words. They mean a lot.

 

[Survivor3]

Hi @mumstheword, I'm happy for you that you seem to have come out the other side of your dilemma. I also used to play music and miss it very much. I can't cry, I wish I could. I used to drink a bottle of vodka so that I could start crying. (I stopped drinking 4 months ago). Best wishes to you.

 

[mumstheword]

Lots of hugs to you. Releasing grief, regret, sadness seems to have it’s own schedule. Finally, you can cleanse a hidden burden to those whom may understand in part.

I am moving and went through a large bin of documents, memorabilia, ect to shred. It has taken me a few years to muster the courage to face that past. I partially understand changing directions for stability of motherhood. I ran into my graphics, illustrations on mags, awards on artwork reminding me of choices made in love for others.

This is what I feel (maybe in time you might too)- we had a wonderful opportunity to let our creativity flow down to the cellular level where we were one with the expression. That Zen feeling is out of this world.
But something was released when I rocked my Son as well- a smaller primal ferocious that inserted in my bones. I was bonded as Mom.

Perhaps someday, women will not have to chose between a career they love and one that provides for their children’s welfare. Perhaps one day, more women will have support during those tender years. But until that day...many will fondly remember with tears- (those were the days, my friend)

I did work while I had small children still, for a while, it was very hectic. Music wasn't very compatible with being a Ma though, and it wasn't a good living.
But my ex was a musician, so it suited him to have a singing, I wont say girlfriend or wife, coz I was more like his slave and possession.

Here in Australia it's nearly impossible to earn a living wage as a musician. But I had to sing, for many years.

I needed it as therapy, I really did, so everyone had to put up with me singing all the time, while the bulk of my children were growing up, and I still did the occasional gig.

I needed to because of the c-PTSD and the Autism (yup, I'm an "Autist") plus my ex was a very narcissistic man and I'm a super sensitive empath (energetically and emotionally) which sucks when you are raised by a narcy mum and then knocked up by another very narcissistic person , time and time again, from when you are a teenager, so I sang to cope, a lot.

For me, the biggest sacrifice was staying with him for 20 years and giving my kid's each other.

He had threatened me, that I would lose all access to them, if I left "coz I'm 'crazy' " and I had no support and a cptsd and Aspie-Autie brain plus baby brain so I couldn't see any other options.

The grief is/was a lot to do with what I was subject to, all those years, plus, yeah, missing the fun of public performance and collaborative creating. Which I managed to keep doing, up until, not that many years ago (no money in it tho). My kid's are, mostly adults now.

I've recently begain singing again, practising and songwriting, after being a bit shutdown because of an abusive neighbor who's attention I would draw through my music. I'm pushing past that though. She's still abusive, but, I'm not letting that stop me. She
actually liked my singing; what I didn't like, was her giving me attention over it.

I'm getting better. Her abuse of people, especially her children, was one of those tipping points that got me needing hospitalization, but, slowly, slowly, I'm coming back from that collapse/breakdown/very bad flare up, and singing again, is a sign that I'm on the mend.

Thank you for your kind words @Recovery4Me .

 

[mumstheword]

You are an amazing mom. I'm so sorry it came at such a cost. Well done for bravely facing the grief.

Cardio or happy dances - such as an online exercise class that is super upbeat - that can slow the tears for me. Also, eating super distracting food. Like SPICY curry or drinking ice cold water.

Also, when the time is right, might be worthwhile to engage something to memorialize the time you miss, to help let it go, and to open up to a new music adventure in the future.

I LOVE spicy curry! And made some two nights in a row!
Wednesday night it was a chicken curry, and last night a indonesian peanuty fish curry "Penang".

Thank you for the complement re my mothering @Justmehere . I have put my all into it. I can see the proof of it, best, in my daughter's, who are really, really lovely, kind, good young women. My oldest is newly pregnant with her first child and I KNOW she will be a great mother, and so will my youngest. Younger is such a nurturer, is a very "animals and small children" kinda gal. She isn't quite out of her teens yet though but is also in a committed relationship. They both have great guys.

My sons, for the most part, are very under the sway of their dad, so, not doing so well. But, unfortunately, I can't do that much about that. I'm here, when their lives fall apart, which, it seems, they inevitably do.

My youngest son, however, has had the benefit of being raised by me and my new guy, and is very different from his older brothers. Very anti drugs and pro study and work and he is still in high school and doing very well.

Cold water is a good tip too! I need to remember to put some in the fridge!

Hi @mumstheword, I'm happy for you that you seem to have come out the other side of your dilemma. I also used to play music and miss it very much. I can't cry, I wish I could. I used to drink a bottle of vodka so that I could start crying. (I stopped drinking 4 months ago). Best wishes to you.

Hmmmm, yeah, playing music is so good for the soul. Thanks for stopping by @Survivor3