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What would you call this?

Discussion in 'Sexual Assault' started by 13ReasonsWhyNot, Jul 10, 2017.

  1. 13ReasonsWhyNot

    13ReasonsWhyNot Member

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    Hi! I'm new here. After 20 years of dormancy, flashbacks and hypervigilance came back unexpectedly with a vengeance while I was watching 13 Reasons Why. That was about 6 weeks ago and I'm still a mess.

    He and I had a past friendship over the previous summer. I was 15. He'd make bets that I couldn't stop him from getting his hands in my pants. I'd roll my eyes and tell him no way and then he would lunge at me. I would run away as fast as I could before he would finally corner me, grab me from behind, undo my pants and do whatever he had just bet I couldn't stop him from doing. He was a huge athlete-literally weighing twice as much as I did, so I never won any of those bets. I consented to the games and even the blowjobs-as-punishments for the loser, which was always me. We never went all the way and I had no intention to do that.

    Anyway, at the end of the summer, I friendzoned him but he seemed to be fine about it. When school started, his attitude was totally different and he started making fun of me loudly in class and in the hallways, mostly because of my small chest. He harassed and humiliated me for months and I tried to avoid him but since he was in my class I still had to see him every day. That part was awful. Even after he got a new girlfriend he still kept harassing me. I hated him.

    We had an athletic event one day and on the way back, after saying nothing civil for the last couple of months, he sat next to me on the bus and said "I'm going to f*ck you when we get off the bus." I just pretended to ignore him so he'd go away. I just chalked it up to his being an asshole and that this was just his latest attempt at harassing me. I wasn't worried about what he said. (Yeah, GIANT red flag, I know). I had left my bike at the school so I could ride home. He lived nearby so in a slightly friendly tone said he’d walk me back since he was going the same way. As much as I didn't want to be around him I still went along, a part of me remembering that we were actually friends once and he hadn't always been an asshole. I was hopeful that if I pretended to be friendly maybe he would stop humiliating me. In spite of what he had said on the bus I wasn’t worried about anything happening. It never occurred to me that anything would.

    About halfway home, he suddenly grabbed my bike's seat and a handlebar and veered off, taking my bike through a dirt path in the grass alongside a line of woods. I think he said something like he wanted to show me something really quick, it would just take a minute. I tried to take my bike back from his grip, saying I really had to get home and I was going to be in trouble for being late and I really needed to go. He ignored me so then I started saying I didn’t want to go into the woods. I had no desire to go into woods in the daytime… much less at night. He just kept walking towards the woods with my bike, saying nothing else. As I'm writing this I can't believe how blind I was to the setup.

    He stopped at a small open space within the edge of the woods. My memory is not fluid here but he was standing on the outer perimeter, saying he already told me on the bus what he was going to do. Wait, what? He MEANT that? Here?? NOW?!? It never once occurred to me that he was serious. I don't remember what I said... probably that I had to get home, but his response to my trying to get out of this was if I didn't, that he was going to tell everyone I did anyway, and purposefully ruin my reputation. I have a vague memory of his commenting I couldn't run away but I'm not 100% sure about that.

    I remember suddenly feeling shaky and faint, as disjointed thoughts began swirling in my head, becoming an unintelligible jumbled wave of panic, anxiety and dizziness washing over me. I looked for a way out but there were trees enclosing us all around except along the outer edge where he was standing. I was trapped. That's when I realized... there was no way to escape without getting past him. I knew quite well from all those games of his what I was up against. But this was not a game. I just kept saying I had to go home, my mom would kill me, I was going to get in trouble for being late, etc. It didn’t matter.

    The next thing I remember, he was already on top of me. I was on the ground, on my back with his weight pressed down on me. My pants were down but I don't know if they were off or still around my ankles. I was completely rigid with anxiety, fear, and hundreds of pounds on top of me, restricting my movement even further. It was hard to breathe. I felt pressure between my legs, and then heard his voice explaining that it was going to hurt and that I would be bleeding. I was still a virgin and he definitely knew it.

    He then said “I’m not going to use a rubber because I want you to get the real thing,” as if he was doing me some sort of favor. WHAT??? NO!!! I started to cry out but it made no difference. Immediately following the words "real thing", I felt a blinding sharp pain in my pelvis as he forcefully and abruptly drove his full length, which unfortunately was proportional to the size of the rest of him, into me. I turned my head and squeezed my eyelids tightly shut, holding my breath and clenching in pain, somehow trying to convince myself I wasn’t really there and I was somewhere, anywhere else and that this wasn’t really happening. Still frozen with fear, pinned to the ground by his weight, and hurting several different ways, I laid completely still as the violation continued. I don’t know how long it went on as my mind drifted away, only to be jolted back to reality when he’d say something, then to retreat once more into silent black nothingness. I was jolted again to the present as he mocked me for not moving and just laying there. Toward the end, he told me not to worry, that he was going to pull out. I was relieved that he was at least going to do that and hoped it was almost over.

    I don’t know what happened after that, because the next thing I remember is pedaling as fast as I could go. I pedaled while standing, still hurting and bleeding, not wanting my torn-up pelvic area to touch the bike seat. After the immediate crises passed (not pregnant and no symptoms of disease), I tried to get on with my life as best as I could and forget about what had happened but with the continuing daily torment still occurring it was an enormous struggle. Literally adding insult to injury, he continued harassing me even more frequently and even seemed to take extra pleasure in his cruelty-especially when he’d make jokes asking me if I was “walking funny”.

    I don’t remember what he said specifically this one time, but I got fed up and said something along the lines of go to hell or f*ck off. He laughed and shouted, “AWW, YOU’RE JUST MAD BECAUSE I F*CKED YOU!!!!!” The entire class heard and all eyes turned towards us. Great.

    I don't know if this is the worst PTSD I've ever had or I just don't remember how bad it was the last time I had it. This happened several decades years ago but it's still like it was yesterday. I'm shaking while typing this. I'm going to a new therapist starting this week.

    Would you call this rape? Do you think he planned it? Do you think it was punishment for the friendzoning? Thank you so much for reading my long story!! I can't believe I'm putting all this out there. I just want this PTSD to go away!
     
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  3. Simply Simon

    Simply Simon Be Bold. Moderator Premium Member Sponsor $100+

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    Last edited: Jul 10, 2017
  4. TexCat

    TexCat Not a cat or a native Texan. Banned Donated

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    I am so sorry. Yes. He raped you. I started reliving my rape from 25 years ago, just last year, so I understand how weird that is. I watched 13 reasons because my daughters were watching it. I got so badly triggered in one scene... completely froze, could barely breathe m, heart racing and it took about 20 minutes before I could move. So I get it!

    I wish you the best on this site!
     
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  5. 13ReasonsWhyNot

    13ReasonsWhyNot Member

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    Hi Simply Simon! Thanks so much! It's that show's fault I'm here so I thought it appropriate. :) Yes, I had a few visits with a therapist when this started up and she said it was definitely PTSD but there's not an official diagnosis with my doctor or anything. After having all these thoughts and feelings and flashbacks coming at me after such a long time I just want to work on getting this under control so it doesn't control me anymore. I feel like I'm imprisoned in a living hell. My new therapist specializes in trauma but I haven't met her yet.

    Oh God, I'm so sorry. Was it episode 12? How are you doing now?
     
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  6. Simply Simon

    Simply Simon Be Bold. Moderator Premium Member Sponsor $100+

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    This will elucidate why our Community Constitution disallows trigger warnings, if you're interested, and I hear where you're coming from: Trigger Warnings - Internet Gone Wild with Trauma Triggers

    PTSD is manageable. Recovery is a thing. But it's incurable. If this is an accurate Dx, you will likely have setbacks that crop up across the span of your life. Don't despair. Treatment can majorly help. I'm sorry you're dealing with this.

    PS it's great you're seeing a specialist!
     
  7. Lionheart777

    Lionheart777 Healing Warrior Premium Member

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    Although I am male, I am a survivor of sexual child abuse and so I can related to being sexually abused....although they call my rape, "brutal sexual molestation." it is technically the same thing, to my mind.

    I am so very sorry for your pain, but am happy you are here and are reaching out....that is a BIG first step toward healing!!!! Give yourself a pat on the back and keep reaching out!!!

    Wishing you the best,
    Lionheart777
     
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  8. 13ReasonsWhyNot

    13ReasonsWhyNot Member

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    Oh no, that sounds horrible, TexCat. I"m so sorry!! How are you doing now? That sounds like my reaction as well. It was like a tidal wave.

    Thank you so much, Lionheart777! I can't even begin to imagine the cruelty you have had to bear. I'm so sorry!! How are you doing these days?

     
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  9. Lionheart777

    Lionheart777 Healing Warrior Premium Member

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    You are most welcome, ... and Thank You @13ReasonsWhyNot :), I feel the empathy in your words and it touches me so, thank you!!!

    (I am going cold turkey from nicotine today and so I'm a little antsy), but .....I am actually doing fine....thank you for asking!

    As for healing; I am disabled with PTSD x 17 years but, life is good and I am at peace.

    I have done a lot of healing work thru therapy (CBT, DBT, CPTSA, Exposure Therapy), as well as being a long time member of this site and am reaping the benefits. :cool: I am, despite the traumas, ...a happy camper.:happy:

    Thank you for sharing and caring. I hope you make many friends here.
    :tup::tup::tup:
    Lionheart
     
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  10. 13ReasonsWhyNot

    13ReasonsWhyNot Member

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    Aww thanks Lionheart! I'm so glad you are at peace. :) What therapy do you think did you the most good?

    Great job trying to get off that nicotine, too, by the way! Yayy!
     
  11. Lionheart777

    Lionheart777 Healing Warrior Premium Member

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    It all did wonders for me, :) but journaling, exposure therapy, and peer support are probably the top contributors to my healing.:inlove:

    *CBT was very beneficial too!!!!

    And thank you, I am quite determined to stay quit this time.:tup:

    Lion
     
    Last edited: Jul 10, 2017
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  12. TexCat

    TexCat Not a cat or a native Texan. Banned Donated

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    I was already having repressed memories come up before seeing the show. The scene that triggered me was when the one character had a flashback of the rape on the bed where the camera angle came from her perspective. That is precisely when I froze... in the real rape too, so it makes sense.

    I am staying the same. Trauma therapy is incredibly hard and I am just now starting with an emdr therapist. I have only had one appointment with her. I had ten appointments prior to her with a cbt therapist, and a lot of stuff flooded back pretty rapidly. I honestly feel like I have been raped over 100 times this year. This has not been fun, I am f*cking sick of ptsd and wish it would leave me alone for good.
     
  13. Simply Simon

    Simply Simon Be Bold. Moderator Premium Member Sponsor $100+

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    I encourage you to read lots and lots about EMDR and to communicate with your T about the process as you go. I haven't had EMDR, but I've read a lot about it and kept up with the multitude of threads here about people's experience. It seems to me that it's a highly methodical process, and some Ts are more... stringent than others with protocol.
     
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