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What would you do?

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sugnim

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What would you do if:
1. You didn't do anything for your spouse on Christmas,
2. You didn't do anything for your spouse on Valentine's Day,
3. And then you didn't do anything for them on your anniversary,
4. And then when it was their birthday, you told them you would make them a special dinner and build a fire in the backyard, but then you didn't do anything so they just had a banana and a piece of cheese out ot the refrigerator for dinner once they realized you weren't actually going to do what you said you would do.
And then they were upset and thought you didn't care about them.
What would you do?
 
I’m assuming this has happened to you and your spouse isn’t tesponding the way you’d like them to?

In all honesty most of those things wouldn’t massively bother me - my man and I are a bit past doing anything for Valentines Day and our anniversary tends to be very low key, so I wouldn’t be awfully upset, but that doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with you having feelings about it.

I guess rather than me telling you what I’d do, I wonder what you want him to in that situation. It feels a bit like “anything less than X means you don’t love me” and you’re wanting folk to put a value on X. How do you want him to respond when you’re upset?
 
Been there, divorced him. But not because he never showed affection to me, I was born and raised to feel unworthy of love. I divorced him when I found out he was drunk asleep while I was at work every day and he was making our 8 year old daughter walk a half mile down a lonely dirt road with no houses but ours on it from the school bus.
 
I no longer celebrate hellidays that I was conditioned to religiously honor all of my life. They all feel so fake/fictional to me now, not to mention the overall environmental destruction they promote, so I'd likely celebrate that someone didn't want to celebrate. lol

I'd ask myself what was it that was causing me to not be able to follow through on promises I'd made to someone that means a lot to them.....how can I unclog that blockage to create some forward momentum....then I'd grab my toolbox and get busy finding the right tool.

(keeping in mind that knowing I've deeply hurt someone I love will most likely causes even more action paralysis than I was experiencing to begin with, making things even more complicated and making me need to spend even more time alone to sort my brain and emotions)

To me, every day is a helliday and every meal is a banquet, so I make it a point to extend loving kindness to them each day in whichever ways I've learned they're the most receptive in receiving it, rather than placing so much weight on specific days, especially after having seen the track record of not following through.

A book called The Five Love Languages helped me figure out how I can better communicate my needs/wants and helps me better translate those of others. Non-violent Communication was another helpful resource during that time.

I lived a big part of my life assuming other folks should just naturally know many things about me that they had absolutely no way of knowing unless I made it a point to openly and honestly communicate in an assertive, yet kind way.

I was used to fighting for my life, be it with words or actions. I find my attempts at healing and getting my needs met to be much more effective when I love my way through things rather than coming out swinging or remaining quiet, assuming someone should have already known by now, each time.
 
What would you do if:
1. You didn't do anything for your spouse on Christmas,
2. You didn't do anything...


Maybe you should sit down and have a talk with him, and try to find out why he didn't do anything for you for those holidays? Try to stay calm. Men aren't very good at communicating. My husband told me the reason why he didn't buy me anything for all those years before his mom died was because he didn't have enough money to. But now because we came into some money from his car accident, he was able to afford to buy me something.
 
None of us can get inside his head, but you know what you feel. If these are things you want, that’s enough. While all long term couples don’t celebrate all these things it’s not unreasonable to want to celebrate them.

How did he respond when you told him you felt unloved?
 
My guy shows he cares in other ways. Love notes. Buys my favorite treats for me. Tucks me in every night. Scratches my back. Gives massages....

Most of those holidays are anniversary dates for him. He was always deployed and usually lost a brother or two. Or was even wounded himself.

We celebrate things in our own way. If he doesn't acknowledge those holidays it doesn't upset me. I appreciate all the other ways he shows me he cares.

When money is the issue? A card, letter or favorite meal goes a long way.

XO

Also expressing in words helps too. A thanks for being here for me. Or I appreciate all you do for us. Etc.
 
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Taking your question straight?

The only reason I would do that is if that’s what they said they wanted.
And then they were upset and thought you didn't care about them.
What would you do?
Break up with them.

My ex played those games (say they wanted one thing, then be hurt & mad when they got it, instead of what they reeeeally wanted), and there is no way in hell I’m doing that again!

My ex husband couldn’t care less about presents, to the degree he actually got angry if you cared so little for him that all you did (nothing! You did nothing for me! Again!) was buy him something. He didn’t want presents for birthdays, anniversaries, Christmas, etc.

What he DID like was spectacle & being the center of attention, the more people the better (most of the time).

So I threw him parties. Several times a year.

It took YEARS to figure this out, because the man was not only passive aggressive as hell (refusing to say what he actually wanted) but would outright lie. :banghead:

When I would flat out ask him what he wanted to do for ABC? Nothing. Whatever you want to do. I don’t think we should spend too much money. I don’t think we should make a big deal out of...Etc. etc. etc.

All straight up lies.

Then he’d double down on the lying the day of (claiming he had fun, that we should do this again, etc.) and ensue WEEKS of sulking, tantrums, picking fights, guilt trips, complaints, and bizarre comments like not doing anything for xmas, birthday, anniversary, etc. What?!?! We did too! :confused:

Thank. God. he had a milestone birthday fairly early on in our relationship & I threw him a huge party for it. It was the first time I’d actually seen him HAPPY. (Aaaaaargh. Why did’t you say this was what you wanted in the first place???)

It took a lot more trial and error over the next several years, though, to figure out exactly what kinds of parties for what events, because the man still couldn’t be bothered to be honest with me in either feedback or planning. 12,000 kinds of passive aggressive eeeeeeeventually yeilded me the results a 5 minute honest conversation would have years earlier.

Taking your question as “What would I do if someone didn’t do anything for my birthday, Xmas, etc.?”

I don’t expect other people to plan and execute special events for me all on their own. With almost everyone except my lying ex it was a joint affair of planning and doing things together. For mine, theirs, and ours... or split responsibility where I planned and executed mine, they did theirs, and ours varied. So it wouldn’t be any kind of surprise -much less something to be upset over- if we weren’t doing something for ABC or XYZ, because we’d have planned on not doing anything for it.

ETA
I do get that some people really get off on doing everything for someone else, or having someone else do everything for them. That’s totally cool. More power to them. Just not the way I do things.
 
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It's interesting that everyone thinks I'm speaking about a man when I never said that.

Anyway, it's not exactly the fact that I was left out of these celebrations that hurts. It's more that I was intentionally led to believe something nice would be done, and then nothing was done. Even a regular day would have been ok. But I was told there would be chicken dinner & a bonfire. Our son was told this too. He was so excited, it was the first thing he told his teacher when I dropped him off at school. And I didn't plan anything for dinner because I was counting on it being made. Instead, there was just nothing. I heated up some leftovers for my son, and I ate a banana my myself in my room while working. I don't understand why someone would intentionally go out of their way to do this.
 
When my guy is in PTSD mode I know he can't always come through with his plans. Sometimes it hurts but I understand. He doesn't do it on purpose! And he shows he cares in so many other ways.

I would have made the chicken and bonfire myself and he would probably have joined in.

It doesn't matter what sex you're talking about. PTSD doesn't discriminate. My answer would be the same. Is your SO in any kind of therapy?
 
When my guy is in PTSD mode I know he can't always come through with his plans. Sometimes it hurts but...

Sure, I understand. I just thought it was interesting that everyone assumed I was talking about a man.

I am the one who was diagnosed with PTSD. My spouse is in perfect health.
 
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